Come before Me

A whisper in my mind and in my heart saying, "Come before Me." The vision seen: Upon my knees and head down on the floor in worship to my Father. This whisper and vision has been tugging at my heart for 3 weeks! "I hear you, Lord, but when do I have time to stop everything in my life to lay on the floor? I can't seem to catch up on any aspect of my life right now, how can I do this too? " His plea never subsided, never ceased, but only grew stronger within my heart. "Father, give me time and I will come before You." That's exactly what He did! I asked and He gave.... Now not all requests are ever that easy, especially within my life, but I knew for God to open this time to come before Him, His words were extremely important and urgent for me to hear, right now! Let me rewind back a few weeks, before I share God's words for me. Jon and I are still anxiously awaiting our match with our precious little one. We have had a our profile shown to another birthmom, which was not God's will, but we still remain in His timing. Our grant through Lifesong has not been moving as we had hoped it would move, although, we were extremely blessed by a few people that have currently donated. My hopes...possibly Jon's...started to spiral down to where my heart ached and my anxieties increased for what God was doing with our family. In addition, we have had behavior problems with our son, that have drained the energy from us. Not sure if this "his age" or something completely else. We have also been seeing my doctor that was able to remove my endometriosis this past fall about what our options are. This decision has truly torn my heart into pieces. Do I want to go back down that road again? According to the doctor, "this is your time. Your endometriosis is gone for the time being." But, God has called us to adopt. Why would I even want to consider any type of fertility treatment at this point? Would I be going against God's will if we pursued the smallest form of fertility, while we were in the process of adopting? What would people think of us for trying fertility while trying to adopt at the same time? I was exhausted and overwhelmed with all of these thoughts, emotions, decisions that were running through my mind and heart. Gratefully, through all of this God deepened a relationship with a person at the school I work at. Someone whose heart aligned with mine in some strange way. Her heart is connected to the Father and thus He connected her with me as tool to use for Him. We have been able to pray for each other and share our thoughts and concerns with each, knowing that we will be diligently praying for God's wisdom and guidance in each other's lives. Through her, God has opened my eyes and my mind to what He truly wants me to do..... From God, through her, " Maybe He is waiting for you to give it 100% to him before blessing you with a baby." Wow, this struck me hard. Had I not been giving all of this "stuff" to Him already? The following morning, God reminded me, "Let go! Rest in me. Seek Me. When you begin to think or worry about these things, give them over to me, each time." "each time" That means I must continue to hand these things to the Lord. Not just once, but every day! When they trickle into my mind to try and control, give them to Him! Easier said than done, right? With this, I started handing these things over daily and told Jon God's words from this. We have started each morning, praying together, releasing these situations in our lives into the Father's hands. We continue to wait on His blessings as we do as He asked of us. This brings me to the beginning...as I was driving home from my half day of work, today, God sent "Come before Me," once again. Then I heard, "There is nothing in your way, come before me." So I came home, turned on worship music and went before our Lord, face to the ground in worship to my Loving Father. Immediately, He brought an amazing vision to me: A woman with a handful of wild flowers, wildly out of control, but blooming so beautifully in color. She hand me a bunch of them as I was worshipping God. She then turned and gave some to another woman and continued to do this with others. Lord, what did this mean? Our lives are like wild flowers. Before the blooms, they appear as weeds, needing to be cut down, but wait.....give them time...wait for their perfect time and they will bloom into a radiant beautiful flower and overcome the weed it once was thought to be. Your life may seem so tangled and like a field of weeds, but wait on Him and you will bloom through His outpouring of blessings showering over you to turn your life into beauty. Wow...I quickly wrote this down and went back to His feet, knowing that He wasn't finished. On my knees, head on the ground, and hands over my head, "Lord, please come and dwell in this place..." "You have to surrender, everyday. It's not just a one time occurence. Human nature wants you to control every aspect of your life. You need to come to me, daily, and surrender control to Me. I am here to receive everyday, but you have to be willing to give/surrender to Me, everyday. Are you ready to surrender, today? Then open your hands and hand them to me." Confirmation....I felt like He was telling me ....do you get the picture, yet? How many times must I remind you? Loud and clear! God is so patient with us and knows exactly what we need and when we need it or need to hear it. I believe that God is in control of my life, no matter how out of control it may seem to me. He has each detail in the palm of His hand and I will rest, now, knowing that He is in control. Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that You would continue to wait on me. Thank you for my sweet friend at school that has encouraged me and given me someone to talk to that "gets me." Thank you for opening my heart to your words and for letting the Holy Spirit continue to nudge me on a daily basis to bring to your feet. I am so blessed.

Rest

Inconsistant - Me; Constant - God; Wavering - Me; Steadfast - God; Broken - Me; Mender - God; Scared - Me; Comforter - God. I realize it has been almost a month since I have sat down and updated our blog and I apologize to those of you who have been checking on a weekly basis for updates. Let me just start by saying that my heart is torn and guarded. Our lives never seem to slow down and I know that God is working diligently to pave our path toward Him, but sometimes my heart longs for rest.... "rest in my presence" He says.... I so desperately want to, but how do I rest? We have not had any leads for possible matches since the twins, which brought my hope to a sudden halt. "Father, what is going on? Isn't this your will for us? Have we not been patient? Have we not been faithful through the numerous trials You brought us through? I need a break, Lord!" I cry from a longing heart of a mother! God continues to mold my faith, as you can see. I am not going to sugar coat it....It's tough! Trusting Him is so hard in the face of trials, but I have to cling to the promise that He is holding my hand and my heart through all of this He has set before me. As we continue to watch the websites for possible situations, one of them posted a message: "Unfortunately we are coming up on a slower time of the year and do not have as many situations to match." Devastation set in, along with a sense of panic for our finances waiting to be utilized for our baby. I quickly e-mailed our precious case worker and asked, "Is this normal? There are slow times for adoption?" As always, she was quick to respond and ease my worries with explanations, kind and supportive words, and prayers for our family. Still a little sad about the prospect of having to wait longer, I settle into the idea of moving forward and trusting God in His timing. In the meantime, we began the exciting process of turning our guest bedroom into a nursery. Nick, Jon, and I painted the room a soft green color (called Cucumber Melon). It turned out wonderful...soft and subtle! We also took a couple of hours to put our baby's crib together. Our baby has a bed! We haven't added any other furniture or decorations, besides a small rabbit (given to our little one by his aunt Kristi and Uncle Peter from Finland) and a grey elephant that sit upon the top of the crib awaiting their precious little one. Jon and I will gradually add a dresser and the rocker/glider to the room as God provides the means and the furniture. My wonderful Aunt Gladys is on standby, now with paint sample in hand, to make our baby's bedding. We are so blessed that our family has offered their time and talents to help provide for our special baby! Thank you!! We will continue to trust God's provision for the room and continue to pray over our little one's room, until then. On days when my hope seems low and almost gone, God always seems to give me peace, "Keep your hope in me....not in the process," He spoke to me today. "I have my plan and it's perfect for your family. Don't rush it or slow it down. Let me hold it for you. Trust me. Cast your cares, your fears, your anxieties on Me. Let me take them, while you rest in my presence." Rest! There it is again! Rest.... one of the definitions being /peace of mind or spirit/. "Father, you are my peace...my rest....when my heart is confused, sad, and anxious. I find my peace/rest in You. Thank you for filling my heart and mind with your peace." For those of you who still would like to give to our adoption fund, we are still hoping for funds through the Lifesong for Orphans fundraising program. We are still $15K short of our goal to bring our little one home. Please let me know if you would like to donate through Lifesong for the tax credit and I will get the information to you. We are so blessed by our family and friends that have helped so far. Please help bring our little one home!

Answers in a day!

On Tuesday morning, as I was spending some much needed time with the Lord, He spoke to me and said, "Your answers are here." That was it! I continued to ask what that meant, but His plain and simple reply, "Your answers are here." Not quite sure what to think of this, but decided to rest in His peace, knowing that God would reveal this to me.

Well, He sure did! That afternoon, I got a phone call from Life Song for Orphans, the non-profit organization that we applied to (7 weeks ago) to try and get another matching grant. We were not offered the matching, but instead the opportunity to utilize their fundraising "kit." "Kit?" That's exactly what Jon and I thought! It is pretty simple, actually. They are supporting our adoption through prayer and also providing a way for our friends and family to donate through them for our adoption and receiving a tax deducation. We just finished this letter and are working sending them out this week! We realize that not everyone can give, but we could truly use prayer from as many friends and family as possible! Okay....we will walk this path of fundraising! God will provide! Also, after looking at the estimated amount still needed to cover our adoption (approx. $13K), we decided to begin an application for an adoption loan, through the ABBA Fund. Not our first choice, but we would like to be prepared.

Later that afternoon, I was checking my e-mail and had just received an e-mail from our consultant asking about the twin and if we had heard anything. Well, right in the middle of responding to her e-mail, the caseworker from A Guardian Angel called me. She said, "Rebecca has made her decision, today, and she has decided to go with another family. But...I have some situations coming up that you will probably be interested in, so keep your eye on our website." Well, honestly, not the answer I wanted, but I definately had an overwhelming peace about it! Our baby is still waiting for us! Nick, on the other hand, was quite upset about this...sobbing and angry all at the same time. We have decided to prayerfully considered each situation, before we tell Nicholas, since this impacted him so much.

Jon and I also had some other personal questions answered that same day, as well! God is truly in control of all. Letting go of control is one of the hardest things that we can do as His children, but until we do, God can't use us efficiently and pour His blessings into our lives like He desires to do so. We have to learn to align our desires with His desires!

We continue to wait on additional situations of available little ones and for God to bring the remainder of our financing for our adoption. Please continue to pray for God's provision and for our little waiting, who is growing and waiting to be with us!

Rebecca.....

So, I received a call from the birthmom's caseworker. At first my heart began to beat so incredibly fast, wondering, did the mom make a decision? The answer....not yet! I was a little sad, but relieved that she was still carefully considering her precious children's future family. This tells me of how careful, meticulous, and thoughtful she is. I found joy in the message I received from the caseworker, today, though. Why? Well, today I found out the name of this precious woman that we have been pouring our love and prayers over for the past week!

Rebecca. This special woman's name is Rebecca. I am beyond thrilled that I now have a name that I can specifically pray for. No longer are we praying for "the birthmom" but for Rebecca! Regardless of the outcome of her decision, I will be forever attached to her, because of this journey and love that God has given me to pour over her in prayer!

Please, continue to join with us as we pray for Rebecca and this huge decision that she is making for her children! Pray for peace, comfort, and wisdom for her, but most of all, pray for her heart! Our desire is for her heart to be the Lord's!

"Father, You are a God of love, a God of peace, and a God of comfort. Please overcome Rebecca with these during this time and through the remainder of the process. I also ask for you to reach out to her heart, Lord and draw her into your loving arms as your daughter."

Family in Waiting...

God is a good God. He is a God of promises. He is a God of love. God is faithful to us. He is a God who provides. God wants us to trust Him completely, so that He can be glorified and pour out His blessings on us. This sounds so easy, doesn't it? Well, why is it so hard for most of us?

This is the question and thoughts that God has been trying to impress on my heart since we started this whole adoption journey. Although this past week, He is really trying to drive home His point! God promised Jon and I a family full of children and blessings, but we would have to trust Him. This was said from the beginning of our trials. We feel we are getting ready to experience these blessings, but are truly being tested this week. I think God is trying to find out, "Let me make sure I have ALL of you....both of you! Not just Jon. Not just Tiffany. All of both of you. I love you both so much. I love your marriage and what you are letting it represent! I have provided and have healed. I have gotten you, both, through some rough spots as a couple, but now I want each of you...ALL of you! Jon, I want your anxieties about your job and about your finances! Tiffany, I want your anxieties about this adoption and the finances for it! I also want your worries about Nicholas, his schoolwork, and his medication. My dear children, you have carried these burdens long enough. Will you let Me carry them for you?"

God has brought, both, Jon and I to our knees each this week. Revealing and encouraging us as we let go of the ties that we hold so tightly. God is showing us that we don't have to do this alone and that He is completely in control, whether we think He is or not. He is filling us with wisdom and understanding into different situations that we have become to stress over. Specifically, God is showing Jon where he belongs in his career right now. He learning to rest in His hands and trust the Lord for His investments each day. The more Jon trusts, the more God has blessed him this week. As for me, my heart aches for these little ones that the birthmom has our profile for. I was told that she was reviewing many profiles and taking a little bit longer. My first reaction was pure disappointment, but God is opening my heart and mind to what His purpose of this prolongation if for. "Tiffany, this is out of your control! Pour your love and blessings over this mom that is delicately and carefully choosing a life for her two little ones." So, that is what I have done! I have come before the Lord, daily, and prayed over this precious birth mom. Through this, God has attached my heart to hers and I long for her to have peace and comfort as she makes this decision. I would be thrilled if she chose our family for her little ones, but more importantly, I want her to come to know our Father! I would be lying to say that I wouldn't be disappointed if we were not chosen, but my heart belongs to my Father, and He knows what is best for these little ones and for our family. God, you are in control!

Please, continue to lift up this precious mom and her little ones she is carrying. Pray for God to touch her and draw her heart to His!

Life Song for Orphans

OCA Mission Moments from Lifesong for Orphans on Vimeo.

They sat in the studio with an expectant glow as they spoke about their children they had yet to meet, but who they claimed as their very own... 

Josh: "As unbelievers, we are aliens.  We are strangers.  We are separated from God.  But God has come in and adopted us, through Christ, to be in His family."

Jenn: "And we're just so thrilled that our family can be a picture of that to the world!  And just like we would never question our true son-ship to God the Father, it's been an encouragement to us to think about, we really don't have to question whether these kids are our true children... cause they are!"

When Josh and Jenn Philpot felt God's nudging toward adoption they weren't sure where they would get the money.  They received a matching grant through the Orphan Care Alliance (OCA), turning the $6,000 they had raised into $10,000, and making it possible for them to bring home not just one child but two!

OCA is a multi-church alliance in the Louisville/Southern Indiana area.  Adoption funding is just one part of their ministry.  Their many outreaches include recruiting and training foster parents, mentoring local foster children, assistance for local churches in launching orphan ministries, international orphan care, and more!  They are also a part of Lifesong's Outside the Walls Network, which connects churches to serve orphans more powerfully together than they could on their own. 

 

 

A prayer for Mom

I haven't updated this in quite awhile. I am so sorry about that. We have had quite a bit going on in the Stewart household lately. Let me brief you on that, first, and then I can fill you in on God's heart for us....

As you know, Nick had surgery in December (bone graft). Well, we put Nick on his ADHD meds when school started and he started not sleeping and eating at all. He has not had this reaction to his medication ever, even when he went back on them after being off them all summer long. I grew concerned after he made himself sick from lack of sleep and eating, so I contacted his doctor (who by the way...is so wonderful!). He saw us at 6:30 in the evening and sat and deliberated over his file, looking specifically at his weight and height. Noticing that his growth had started to slow down again, since medication started in the fall and his weight decreased, he decided to take Nick off his ADHD meds for two weeks. My first thought..."those poor teachers!" At home, we know how to handle his impulsivity, defiance, and hyperactivity, but home environment is much different than a school environment. After a few days at school without meds and the teachers documenting Nick's behavior, eating habits, and schoolwork, their frustration levels were getting high. They were patient through it all and completely understanding of why we had to do this. I believe those 4 days of snow/ice days were lifesavers, not only for Nick but for his teachers. We finally went back to see his doctor, providing him with all of the documentation and school work samples they gave us while he was not medication. The doctor looked through them, then turned and looked straight at Nick. "Nick, this is unacceptable behavior and work from you. Your medication is not an excuse to not follow direction and do your best in school." I love a doctor that can tell my child that he will not use this as an excuse not to obey or to succeed, because that is what we reiterate to him at home. He went ahead and decided to put Nick back on the same medication he was on, but in a smaller dose. We are continuing to do weekly phone call follow ups with the doctor and will check his weight next week.

So, while dealing with this with Nick, Jon's grandmother began to get very sick. She was in the hospital for about two weeks and went to be with the Lord on Tuesday, February 15th. She was such a precious woman and we adored her so much! Nick was the light of her day when he went to visit her. We had her celebration of life yesterday afternoon with the family and this service blessed my heart so much! It truly reminded of what a wonderful family God has brought me into through marrying my husband! Their love for each other is so amazing and God's heart shows through each and everyone of the family members. This love was brought from the Father, into Grandma's life and then down through this entire family! What an awesome legacy this precious woman of God had! To be able to raise our children within the love of this family makes my heart so happy and joyful.

Now on to our adoption journey progress.....

We continue to wait on Lifesong's decision for approval of a grant that could potentially bring the remainder of our funding. I believe we will get a response soon, but I am still faithful in believing that God will provide 100% for our precious child/ren. Gift of Adoption Grants has continued to follow our updates and are waiting for our match. They have not given up on us and keep moving our approval/review forward in order to give us the opportunity to have them be a part of our journey. God is moving within this journey, although not seen by all or even us, He is working the details out for us and will continue to rely on His perfect plan for our family!

Just recently we found out our profile is being reviewed by a birth mom with an adoption agency in Utah. I cannot help but be overwhelming excited about this possibility, but I'm trying very hard to guard my heart as well. Yesterday morning, the morning of Jon's grandma's funeral, God pulled me close and reminded me to pray fervently for this precious birth mom. I spent all morning pouring out prayers and love for this precious mom and asking God to bless or overwhelm her with his peace and love as she read through our profile. Not neccessarily to choose our family, but that his love and peace for her would flow through our profile into her heart and mind, giving her wisdom and peace in the decision she is about to make for her precious babies, whether it is our family or another family. Since that time, I have thought about her a lot and putting myself in her very shoes as she makes a life changing decision for her children. Wow, how incredibly hard this would be for me to choose a family I don't know to raise these babies that I have carried for nearly 9 months! What a sacrifice! God placed it on my heart to share this information with Jon's family after we gathered for Grandma's funeral. Their response....pure excitement!! They were all so excited about the prospect of these babies and what an amazing blessing this would be after the tragedies that have struck this precious family. I was quickly reminded to to share with them God's heart for this precious birth mom. I asked them to pray specifically for this woman and for her heart. I am so humbled by this whole journey of adoption that we are on and the ability to involve our family in this journey and to remind them of the "whole" picture...including these amazing women who are making one of the most selfless and sacrificing decisions they will ever make! We all need to be reminded that this adoption is not just about the adoptive family, but about these wonderful moms that carry these little ones to full term and graciously give them to us to raise in His kingdom!

I ask that as you finish reading this blog that you will take a minute to pray for this wonderful birth mom and for those women who have selflessly chosen to give their babies life! Pray for peace, love, comfort, wisdom, and for God's pursuit of their hearts!