God's heart moves us again

About a month or so ago, God pressed into our hearts that his desire for our family was for it to start growing again.  I posted about that time how God had pressed into our hearts, but didn't share it with too many until we opened our hearts and God's heart to our family.  We also started praying daily...even through out the day...for God's provision to even get started.  Let me rewind a bit and share with you what I wrote about a month ago...

In the midst of the doctors appointments and changes in our life, God has decided to press into our hearts to start the process to adopt again.  We have been praying for at least 4 months, now, about God's timing and believe that our time is here to start the paperwork rolling to bring our next little one home.  I, personally, knew this was going to happen sooner than January, because my heart started aching for something I couldn't define.  After going to the Lord about this ache and this "missing piece," He showed me the pieces missing were his children longing to be in our home.  I talk to Jon about this and felt that this ache and longing wasn't going to go away on it's own and that God was going to fill it with his love and with our children.  I told him, "Jon, God is not done, yet, and He wants us to move now."  As you know, Jon has been very hesitant, because, I am staying home now and he is consumed in his job (which God called him out on, just last night).  After praying together, discussing, and listening to each other and the Lord, we decided it was time to take a leap of faith and watch God move.

 The scary thing, we have no idea how the funds will be there, but again, God says, "move over, I'm in control here.  Wait and trust me. "  We were told to make the first steps of contact and now we are waiting on the Lord for his provision.  He has to provide, because we are unable to do this on our own.  We know this is His voice, not ours, because who in their right mind starts an endeavor like this under the circumstances we are in?  Paperwork sits next me, filled out and ready to send to our consultant, but the check is empty, waiting for God to fill it in so we can fulfill his desires for our family.  

"Lord, this is in your hands.  I release it, fully and completely into your hands.  You know the exact amount needed to begin this process and You know exactly where it's coming from.  You have our children picked and ready for your kingdom and our family.  We wait for you, Father.  My heart continues to ache as the Father aches for his children to come home.  They are waiting for us as we are waiting on you, Lord.  We are ready to bring them home, but only in your timing and under your hands."

A little over a month later, we are ready to share with everyone God's heart for our family and how God has started moving.  Through this past month, God has reminded me that He holds our hearts and our children's hearts in the palm of His hand and to keep trusting Him.  We continued to ask the Lord, "Father, we know this is your will, please give us wisdom as we start getting paperwork started, home study done, etc. and Lord, you are our provider and will provide in your perfect time."  We clinged to His promise and His Word.  

Jon and I were nervous, yet excited to come before our parents to share God's heart for us and the new adventure that God has us on.  As I told my dad, he was very happy and excited that we were expanding our family once again. Whew...relief! We, then told Jon's parents on Thanksgiving weekend and opened our hearts that this was going to be completely God!  I know that when God calls you into something impossible, not only will He make it possible, but He will be glorified all the way through it!!

Even after telling our parents, we still continued to pray for provision, because we still had to come up with the finances to pay our consultant and our case worker.  We had begun working on a fundraising idea, but weren't sure how we were going to accomplish our idea.  The week after we told Jon's parents, we pressed into God's heart and truly just released ourselves into His hands and God came through!  God blessed us with our consultant fee through a forgotten about annuity Jon had and our home study fee was provided through extra income this past month from Jon's hard work at his job.  Well, that's a start and God moved!  When we completely trust Him and step out in Faith, God will always answer and fulfill his promise!

So our home study has been complete, minus the FBI checks and some straggling references, but it is one step in the right direction. We will be connecting with our consultant this week and working on updating our profile.  When we have completed this, we will focus on fundraising and trusting God for provision before jumping onto agencies' lists.  

We struggled to figure out how to help begin to raise money, yet I had an idea and a t-shirt design that might represent our new journey that we could sell, but not a screen printer.  Well, just recently, a client of Jon's offered to screen print our shirts so that we could sell them to help with our adoption costs to bring home our next little one.  What?  God's timing has been so incredibly perfect that I cannot take credit for any of his work!!  This brings me to our shirt that we are starting to sell this week: 

So where does this come from?  Remember above what God impressed on my heart? 

Through this past month, God has reminded me that He holds our hearts and our children's hearts in the palm of His hand and to keep trusting Him.

This is a reminder that God is holding onto our hearts and our children's hearts as we wait for them to come home.  We would love for God's hand to impress into your heart, which will turn around and impress His heart and hand into our next child.  If you would like to purchase one of these shirts to support our next adoption, please e-mail me (jontiff01@yahoo.com) with your shirt size.  They are $16.  I will put orders in about every week and a half.  

We are so grateful for the ongoing love, support, and prayers that our friends and family have sent our way through this ongoing journey that God has our family on.  Thank you so much!!

God's ready?!

It seems a bit crazy that God would be calling us into an adventure in the midst of the chaos whirling around us, but His purpose is far greater than I can even see or imagine right now.  Honestly, I have no idea how this next adventure will even begin or move without Him, because we cannot do this alone!



Some of you keep up with the on goings of our family through facebook or through this blog and know that things have been unsettled with our Nick.  I feel as though his symptoms are worsening and my parenting skills are less than desirable at times, but then I get a quick reminder from a friend that I'm a good mom and I am doing a good job....and I'm not alone.  Most recently, Nick pulled an all nighter on a school night.  One of his symptoms of FASD (insomnia).  Along with this moment, he had many other moments/symptoms prevail through this one night.  Here is the e-mail I sent to his poor teachers the morning after his all night escapade....

Wow!  Not even sure what other words can describe the current situation with nick.  My husband came out of our room this morning about 6:15 to find nick with both our laptops, paper shredded around the room, and room a mess.  I quickly got into our computers browsing history, knowing he was unable to get onto his own to see what he was doing.  He attempted to get into our Times up Kidz account to change the settings for his own computer, nearly repurchasing the program.  He also got into our I tunes account trying to change the password and log into my I pad.  He was also on numerous games.  The browsing history showed online activity from 4:30am!  I know?! What!!  We believe he may have been up most of the night, if not all night! Unfortunately a symptom of the Fetal alcohol is insomnia, but we refuse to accept that he didn't try to sleep or let us know he couldn't sleep!  I'm telling you this because, needless to say, our morning has been extremely rough.  Lots of meltdowns, fits, and destruction.  ( I know, hard to believe the nick you see does this!) He is exhausted and looks awful, but we will not let him stay home.  He needs to understand that sleep is important and necessary to function.  This will be a natural consequence with later consequences.  Please don't feel sorry for him or take pity on him.  Treat him as though he got the sleep he needed, because that is a real life situation for normal people.  We will take action at home to make sure this doesn't happen at this extreme again, but will always keep you posted.  We do have an appointment with a psychologist next week.

I'm sorry to send him to school like this, but as parents, we must follow through.  Please, keep me posted throughout the day.

Thank you so much and well, good luck.

 How in the world do we deal with this?  I know, God has his reasoning, timing, and purpose in all we encounter.  We just have to learn to step aside and let Him take the lead no matter how much we (I) want to control it.  I believe God doesn't think I'm stepping aside enough, because He is spoken directly to my heart to move again! What?! are you kidding me?  "Lord, I can hardly handle this situation I am in now...you want us to what?!"  "I am working...trust Me."  I ask the same...how is He working and what is this new adventure.

How is God working?

We recently visited a Psychologist for Nick, because we honestly didn't know where to turn.  His self-esteem has sunken into thoughts of "I'm a failure, mom," "I will never do anything right."  His anxiety is so high at times that I have to remind him, Nick, it's okay, We are here and nothing is going to happen. He will begin crying, because he is afraid the baby is going to fall or will get hurt.  He is beginning to obsess about things that he shouldn't obsess about and then tail spins when something doesn't go how he sees it in his head.  He has begun throwing things and punching walls when his anger sets in.  What is happening to my child, Lord?  After meeting with this psychologist, who is a believer, our hearts seem to settle, because we felt we were finally on the right track, but now we have an additional journey with Nick.  He will begin with therapy, social skills groups, and we were referred to a psychiatrist (which we can't get into until January....God's timing).  She also wants a brain scan/CT done because his language is so abnormally high compared to his other cognitive scores.  Ok...on the right track, lets do this.  Until then...Lord, please grab hold of our family as we muster through his anguish with him.  My heart aches for him, but my mind goes crazy during his spells.  I love this child beyond my control, but this disorder has captured my child and won't let go!  I was so blessed this morning by Nick's carpool.  They did a Bible study on the way to school and she texted me to tell me that Nick was praying for his teachers in the car.  Thank you....you truly don't know how moments like that are desperately needed in our home these days and we need to hear them more than usual about Nick.  My child is in there...we just need to help him emerge out of this shell he is trapped in.

I know...what's this new adventure...well, I shouldn't be saying anything, because it won't be revealed to family until Thanksgiving, but I don't plan on posting this to Facebook, so I doubt they will read this. Here is how we started...e-mails to our consultant and social worker, first.

In the midst of the doctors appointments and changes in our life, God has decided to press into our hearts to start the process to adopt again.  We have been praying for at least 4 months, now, about God's timing and believe that our time is here to start the paperwork rolling to bring our next little one home.  I, personally, knew this was going to happen sooner than January, because my heart started aching for something I couldn't define.  After going to the Lord about this ache and this "missing piece," He showed me the pieces missing were his children longing to be in our home.  I talk to Jon about this and felt that this ache and longing wasn't going to go away on it's own and that God was going to fill it with his love and with our children.  I told him, "Jon, God is not done, yet, and He wants us to move now."  As you know, Jon has been very hesitant, because, I am staying home now and he is consumed in his job (which God called him out on, just last night).  After praying together, discussing, and listening to each other and the Lord, we decided it was time to take a leap of faith and watch God move.

 The scary thing, we have no idea how the funds will be there, but again, God says, "move over, I'm in control here.  Wait and trust me. "  We were told to make the first steps of contact and now we are waiting on the Lord for his provision.  He has to provide, because we are unable to do this on our own.  We know this is His voice, not ours, because who in their right mind starts an endeavor like this under the circumstances we are in?  Paperwork sits next me, filled out and ready to send to our consultant, but the check is empty, waiting for God to fill it in so we can fulfill his desires for our family.  

"Lord, this is in your hands.  I release it, fully and completely into your hands.  You know the exact amount needed to begin this process and You know exactly where it's coming from.  You have our children picked and ready for your kingdom and our family.  We wait for you, Father.  My heart continues to ache as the Father aches for his children to come home.  They are waiting for us as we are waiting on you, Lord.  We are ready to bring them home, but only in your timing and under your hands."

Lock down drills continue at the Stewart house

So sometimes I have to find humor in this disorder that Nick has because I just can't be frustrated about it all the time.  Children with FASD tend to obsess over things, events, or people at times.  Some of the most common obsessions are with objects, such as batteries, flashlights, paper, and locks.  All of which Nick has an obsession with.  These kiddos can also obsess about events that occurred to them as well.  I have to share the most recent one, just to give you a peek into what this looks like for us (and may be helpful for others to understand Nick).

So, I went to pick up Nick today at school and ran into the special education coordinator and one of the teachers at school (Mrs. Dallas).  Mrs. Dallas mentioned that Nick was so good during the Lock Down drill, despite the 5th graders and he came up afterwards and said that he would shoot the guy if he came and other comments.  "Lock Down Drill?!"  I looked at Mrs. Barbee, the special education coordinator and said, "You know what this means?  We will be reliving this for the next four to five days!"  She said, "I was wondering that."

Well, we got in the car to leave and I started to hesitate about asking about his day, knowing exactly what our conversation was going to be about..forget the History test he took today, because today was a lock down drill!!  I truly doubt Nick paid attention much after that drill, either.... Nick proceeded to tell me every single detail of this drill...let me remind you that this child can't remember what he learned in any of his classes, let alone most of his teachers' names... He described where they were in the building, what the room looked like, and what people were doing during the drill.  He then went on to describe everything the "intruder" did to try and get in....wait, not only did he describe it, he had to demonstrate it on my back seat of my car!  He told me that Mr. Horton was the intruder and was yelling to let him in the room, but we weren't allowed to let him in because he could hurt them if he was really an intruder!

After his description and reenactment of today's drill was done at least 5 times, and also done with different scenarios, voices, weapons, and so on, he then began the "what if" portion of his obsession.  Oh dear...this is the portion that nearly throws me into a tailspin, but I prepared myself for this, so I kept calm... Let me give you a sampling of his "what if " questions.  Remember this is only a sampling and went on for the 35 minute drive to his gym!
"What if the intruder climbed through the window, instead?"
"What if the intruder shot through the door or the glass in the door?"
"What if he decided to set the building on fire, how would we get out?"
"What if knows where we are hiding?  Would he just stay there all day?"
"What if I just have a gun with me and I just barge out and shoot him so everyone can get away?"
And this went on and on and on....and will continue to go on through the weekend....

We then come to the portion, where he comes up with things that should have been different.  Let me warn you, Mr. Horton, Nick might hunt you down tomorrow, to tell you what his concerns are and what he thinks should be done differently to keep everyone safer!  He told me, "mom, I need to have a conversation with Mr. Horton tomorrow."  "Why?" I ask.  "Well, there is this gap under the door and the intruder can get a gun under there and start shooting.  They really need to fix that."  My response?  "Well, Nick, good luck with that, but I"m sure that the police would have everything all figured out and those teachers are going to do everything in their power to protect you."  Nick's response,"Well, what if (ahhh, what if again!?) the teacher can't protect us?"

Do you get my point?  Sounds like fun, doesn't it?  So, if my hair seems a little frayed and I don't seem to be listening, perhaps it's because I'm still trying to filter what I should listen to and what I should ignore, because I"m going to be hearing a lot about lock down drills!  Also, if you are interested in knowing what a lock down drill is and what is should look like, I will have Nick give you a call.

Grace

"Amazing Grace how sweet the sound..." "Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me..."

From the moment I woke up, this song played through my head.  Love this song.  God must have truly wanted me to remember his grace for me today, because He kept speaking this into my heart.  This morning was not unusual for our family, except that I had to get Nick moving a little quicker for an orthodontics appointment in Dallas this morning.  Our morning...our Monday morning, was rough.  Nick didn't seem to cooperate with anything I asked of him and we were running late!  "Nick, for the one hundredth time, please put on your clothes or we will be late!"  "Nick, why are you not dressed? Nick, where are your clothes? Nick....Nick....Nick.... (must I continue to get my point across?).  I was stressed and we were finally headed out the door with my patience spent and my frustration level high. Where are the keys?  You have got to be kidding me.  It took us another 10 minutes to locate the keys after calling Jon, who had them yesterday, and getting him on board the frustration train to finally get us in the car and on our way....LATE!  "Please...no talking to mom...I need to refocus, calm down, and find the peace I need to get us to Dallas."  Whew!!  Another exciting morning in the Stewart household!

So...no grace in that is there?  Just wait!  We get to the hospital...nearly running..and Nick says, "mom, I love you."  Grace (after yelling at him all morning.)  In the orthodontist's office, Nick talking to the hygienists, "That's my brother.  He's so cute, right?  We are going to a pumpkin patch, soon.  You should go too.  My brother loves them.  This will be his second time to go.  The animals make him happy."  Grace.  As we are walking out of the building, "Mom, you are the best mom, ever!"  Grace.  As we are getting into the car, "Mom, I'm ready for us to have another baby...a girl this time!"  Me: "Oh really?  We have actually been praying a lot about that Nick and believe God will bring the path to our feet very soon.  What would you name her?"  Nick says, "Grace.  Don't you just love that name, mom?"  All right, Lord..I hear you loud and clear!  Your Grace is enough for me today!

Later, as I get home and get Elijah settled into his nap, I get an unexpected, yet very welcomed call from my dad.  He read my last blog entry about Nick, and said, "Your such a great momma to those boys!  Your mom would have been proud!" Grace. We talked more about what was happening in our lives and the word Grace kept popping into my mind.  I told my dad that we were praying about starting the adoption process again, because God was strongly urging us to bring another orphan into our home and he said, "Don't you have enough going on? "  me: "of course, but God never called us to be comfortable, He called us to follow him and trust Him, and we have to do that, plus my heart longs for these children."  My dad: "Well, you must bring home a little girl!"  I then went on to explain how Jon was nervous about it, because finances are extremely tight with me staying home now, but was able to remind myself and him that somehow, God has been faithful and provided everything we needed because we continue to walk in faith with Him.  We cannot see what God is doing on paper, because God works above that.  Stop looking at the accounts and what is not in them and start looking at what God has done and will do!  My talks with my dad seem to be encouraging on both sides of the conversation or least I hope they are.  I love that my dad will listen to my rambling and love me just the same. I share my heart with him and he begins to see into the heart of God for my family. His love for our children has grown so much and I am so grateful for that!  Another example of God pouring his grace onto our relationship.

 Regardless of our wavering faith, God's grace is poured out on us every single day!  I see it everyday in my life with my children.  I hope you can too!  Again, God never said following His will be easy or comfortable, He only said, He would be with us and would always provide what we needed!  I stand firm in this knowing God's call is so much bigger than I could have ever imagined as a young girl and I am so excited to be part of God's plan!!

This being said, please begin to pray with us as God's hand begins to move and draw our feet to his path of adoption again!  It seems a little more scarier, but a lot more exciting to me!  Now, Jon may not see that, but I love the adventures God has this family on!  We will let you know when the calls are made to step out in faith to start the process over again, because we will definitely need support and God's GRACE to get us through this next one!

Under God's Grace,
Tiffany

A silent disorder discovered

I'm not even sure where to begin with this post, but know I must share my heart and the road that God placed in front of us that we will continue to walk it even through the daily struggles.  This post is about our wonderfully made child, Nick.  First let me tell you that we believe Nick is a true gift from God and God has a plan for him that will blow us all away.  That being said, my heart breaks that Nick has been struggling and living with a silent disorder that over takes his thinking and many parts of who he is without anyone even realizing it.  My mother and I suspected it for awhile, but it was never confirmed.  Well, this summer, I was determined to figure out why my child acted like he did with medicine and without medicine.
 I was added to a support group of parents whose children were diagnosed with this disorder and I remember sitting down reading their posts about their children.  "My child seems to search out batteries and becomes obsessed with taking them in and out of things." Paper seems to be an obsession, whether it's shredding, stacking, or drawing on every piece.  Meltdowns over discipline, consequences, and small tasks seem to be a common theme, as well.  Obsessions about events or objects that can literally drive anyone insane, the morning meltdown about getting dressed, not being able to follow even a one step direction, and the list went on. I sat there in near tears of both relief and sadness as they described my child.  What is this disorder that is robbing our children of carrying on a "normal" life?  Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.  Yes, my child was exposed to alcohol in his mother's womb.  Although, birth mom was in denial, the symptoms speak for themselves.  His birthmom was a known alcoholic and the only confirmation was her word that she didn't drink.  Live a day in my shoes with my kid and you will gladly agree with me!  Let me share my research through these links:

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/106/2/358.full

http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/fasd/documents/fas_guidelines_accessible.pdf

http://www.samhas.gov

That's a lot of reading..!!  I do know this, so let me shorten it for you!  FASD effects may include physical, mental, behavioral, and/or learning disabilities. My child has a disability in each of these characterizing areas!   Let me share how this has affected my child!

Physical Effects on Nick:
1. Cleft lip and Palate with chronic ear infections
2. Cataract in his eye
3. Growth hormone deficiency

Cognitive Effects on Nick:
1. ADHD
2. Learning Disability (specifically in math)
3. Difficulty with planning and organizing
4. Information processing deficits
5. Working memory disorder

Behavioral Effects on Nick:
1. Transitions can be difficult
2. Defiance to instructions
3. Meltdowns

Social Effects on Nick:
1. Failure to consider the consequence for his actions at times
2. Lack of reciprocal friendships
3. Periods of high anxiety
4. Unaware of some social cues
5. His social/emotional age is half his chronological age, meaning his friendships are easier with kids half his age.

That is a lot going on for one kiddo to gather together and still try to "fit in" with his peers.  Nick tries so very hard to please his peers and teachers that he holds it together all day for them and then gets in the car and either decompresses through drawing, crying, or extreme behaviors of defiance, wildness, or chattering.  I truly don't know what I will get in the afternoon.  I would like to open a window to you into our home in the mornings before his medicine has reached his system.

Typical morning routine has always been the same in our home.  He wakes up between 7:00 and 7:15 in the morning.  We normally have to pull Nick out of his bed, regardless of going to bed at a decent time.  He slowly makes it to the breakfast table, sits down and tries to figure breakfast.  We have trained him over the summer to make his own breakfast in the morning to encourage responsibility and he is getting it by himself, but every morning he still asks, "what's for breakfast?"  He has to have a yogurt with his breakfast or we have an extreme meltdown or "fit."  It takes Nick nearly 30 minutes to finish his breakfast, because he becomes distracted by the fridge, toaster, or whatever was in the kitchen that morning.  We give him his medicine and then it's off to take a shower.  His responsibility is to grab his towel from the back of his door and go get in the shower.  It took us over two years to establish the habit of getting his towel before getting into the shower instead of walking through house, soaked, to go get it afterwards.  The shower, then, takes him over 20minutes, because he can't seem to remember what he is suppose to do when he gets in there.  My husband or I have to walk him through, washing his hair and washing his body, everyday!  After the shower, getting dressed is whole other ball game!  Let me remind you, Nick wears a uniform, everyday and it's placed in the same place every morning for him to put it on.  This is our same conversation in the morning.  "Nick go get dressed."  "mom, where are my clothes, what do I wear?"  "They are on the end of your bed."  " I don't see them." " Well, if you would stop playing, then you could see them."  "Oh, I see them."  "Nick, you have 7 minutes to get your clothes on.  Timer set." Timer goes off.  "Nick are you dressed?"  "Oh, I'm getting dressed."  "Why are you not dressed?"  "What am I suppose to wear?  Where are my clothes?"  I finally stop what I"m doing and stand there and talk him through getting dressed.  In the meantime, I'm trying to get Elijah dressed and ready for the day.  Once he is dressed, he is to sit at the dining room table, pull out his schoolwork and wait for me to get him started.  I talk him through his first assignment, ask for questions, and then tend to Elijah.  Nick finds a pencil, pen, piece of paper, or something to play with.  I try my best to keep it together at this point and wait for medication to kick in.  Once it finally kicks in, he sits and gets work done, but with mild distractions from his brother.  By the time he is dropped off at school, I'm exhausted, but I must go on....  This is a daily struggle for our family and will continue to be, because FASD does not go away.  We love our Nick so much and want what's best for him, but he is exhausting at times.  I believe that some parents think we are far too strict on Nick or think he shouldn't be acting like that in a store, but please step in the shoes of this parent and try to hold yourself and your child together in all situations while his brain is chemically altered due to the affects that his birth mother's drinking had on him.

I will continue to fill you in on Nick and the life that God's laid before him and our family.  Some may seem outrageous while others seem typical, but I feel it's important that others understand where my child comes from to understand my child.  I know that some of Nick's teachers have started reading this blog, so I hope peeking in the lives of our family will give you some insight on Nick.  Thank you for taking your time to see into Nick's life outside of school and we are so truly grateful for each of your investments into his life!

"May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." 2Thes. 3:5

A legacy remembered

I don't seem to blog much anymore, which I suppose is a good thing.  Doesn't seem to be much time to sit down and write anymore, now that Elijah is walking and Nick moved up to level 5 in his gymnastics.  A family constantly on the run.  Today, though, I must slow it down to remember and honor the person who helped light the fire that brought my precious children into my life.

Today, July 20th, 69 years ago, God brought my mother into this world to share his heart for orphans and the sick.  According to my aunt, she had a heart for people and the sick from a very young age and started volunteering in the local hospital before she was old enough to drive.  She loved children and children were drawn to her.   Although my mom struggled with her health off and on, she never let that stand in the way of the calling that God set before her.  I don't believe she ever realized that she was living God's dream and heart for her life, but as I look back and remember the joy she had with the little ones in her home through foster care, I know God had her right where he wanted her.  I have been looking through pictures of my mom and my sisters and I and see the love and joy she had for each of us on her face.  I know she absolutely adored each one of us for who we were and continue to be.  Even though there were days when we just didn't think she understood us at all, she truly did get us, but she strived to push us into God's arms and into the dreams He had for us.

In the last few years, I had the honor to be able to care for my mother, although, I know I took it for granted, I now look back and treasure the times and talks.  My sisters and I were her joy behind her love for the Lord.  Each time I would go to visit, she was always asking if I had talked to either of my sisters.  If not she would share what she last talked about with them and the love she spoke it in was amazing.

Kristen, mom cherished you and your independence in life.  Mom gave you the drive and commitment she had for her work as a nurse.  She admired your wisdom within your job and how regardless of the difficulties in school, you committed yourself with a job and field of work that no matter how you look at it now, helps the sick.  Although your stubbornness could light a fire in mom, she absolutely loved it!  How?, because she knew that your stubbornness was going to make you who you are today. A woman that does not take no for an answer and moves forward with the goals you have set before you.

Amanda, mom missed you.  I know that you have a piece of mom's heart for children, as well.  Your love for, not only your children, but for those children in your job.  Mom always knew that you would be working with children one day. Like mom, you love each and everyone of the children you work with.  Your job is not just a paycheck to you.  Mom strived to change the lives of her kids, as do you.  It's funny, now that I think about it.... mom never thought your jobs as personal trainer or ADT were the right jobs for you.  She would just comment that Amanda needs to get a job with kids that's where God wants her.

Sisters, mom adored you both!  She was born to love us!  Although, we miss her tremendously, we all know that her life in heaven exceeds her life here on earth.  I believe that her job in heaven is to take care of all the little ones that left their families so soon here on earth and to love them until they are reunited with their families one day.

After her talks about my sisters, she would always ask, "so how are you doing?"  This was always a loaded question, because it meant so much more.  What she truly meant was.... are you pregnant, yet or lets get this adoption thing going.  I believe my mom knew are destiny to adopt far sooner than Jon and I ever knew.  While going through fertility, my mom would say, "now if this doesn't work, which it might, you can always adopt."  Well, it didn't work and she was there to pick me up off the ground.  Mom knew....  she knew Nicholas was going to be my son and she knew that her heart for the orphans was already implanting into my heart... A legacy that was instilled into my mother from her mother and now into me.  I so cherish this legacy and heart for orphans that God has given the women of our family.  I may not birth a child in the physical sense, but I know that God's plan for my family are much greater than I could ever imagined and I can attribute that to my mom's constant prayers over me.

Thank you, Father, for the heart of my mom, for the faith she had in you and passed down to me.  I was so incredibly blessed with such an amazing mom.  I know you have forgiven me for taking for granted her love and dedication to us, but I am thankful you have opened my eyes and heart to what she so desperately wanted to pass along to me.... her spirit for adoption.... I hope that the glimpses of our lives, now, that she sees are going to honoring, You, Lord and will carry on the heart You had for our family....

Nick - A warrior for God

As we continue to wait on the Lord, God has truly begun to reveal himself to our family.  He is not only revealing himself to Jon and I, but to Nicholas!  We are so amazed by this child everyday.  I have to share my sweet son's heart.....

As some of you know, Nicholas has not had an easy life given to him, but he has chosen to overcome through the strength of our loving Father.  How can he comprehend this?  I ask the same question all the time, but I know God only knows that.  God has a hold on Nick that no one else can fathom.  From the very beginning, God rescued this child from the grasp of death and destruction and brought him to us, so God could fill him up! 

On Easter, Nick was baptized at church...a day that will forever be imprinted on my heart!  Nick was so eager, yet so anxious at the same time.  I truly believe a transformation took place that day.  Nick always had the kind heart and what seem to be a prophetic gift, but it has truly been refreshed and revealed to Nick!  How can we say Nick might have a gift of prophecy?  We still believe in our hearts that God spoke Elijah's name into Nick's heart the day we were told Elijah would be our son, because we had never mentioned the name Elijah to Nick and never really talked about it.  Nick has continued to reveal his tenderness to the Lord's voice through speaking to both Jon and I about what the Lord had told him.  Just recently, Nick got out of his morning shower and approached Jon with a word.  Nick told Jon, "Dad, you have to 'dream' about getting sales so that the Lord will bring them to you.  You can't dream that you are not getting them, b/c that is a lie and Satan is trying to take them away."  He then comes to me a few minutes later...in another room...and repeats to me what he told Jon and then says to me, "Mom, you have to 'dream' that you will have more babies and then we will have them.  When you 'dream' that you can't  or won't have them, that is Satan trying to take them away, b/c he doesn't want you to have them."  Wow!!  Another instance was about a week ago.  Nick has been wanting to take voice lessons for a couple of years now, but with our schedule and his lack of maturity, we decided to wait until this year.  Well, I found this amazing person to do voice lessons for Nick and he had his first "trial" lesson last week.  As I had always know, Nick has a really good voice and matches pitches really well.  When we walked out, I asked Nick what he thought and if this is something he wanted to do, because it would take committment and another day of your time.  He turns and says...after thinking for a moment, "Mom, I believe that this is a talent God has given me, along with gymnastics, and I have to figure out what God is going to use them for.  So, I have to take lessons to get better."  Hmmm.... What a thought! 
Nick continues to amaze us through his thoughts, words, and actions...  He has begun to insist on making his own lunch at home, and really wants to be involved with helping with dinner.  God has transformed this kid!  He is such an amazing brother and loving youg man.
This all being said, Nick is not perfect as none of us are.  So, yes, there are days when we are baffled about the behaviors that take place in him in other environments.  Jon and I are determined to take this responsibility that God has given us to raise such a "world changer" and send him down the path God leads him on.  We know that we live in a world full of sin, temptations, and bad influences.  It is our job as parents to teach Nick how these can appear/present themselves and what he can do to either change them or turn away from them.  We ask for lots of prayer and accountability as we raise this amazing warrior of God!  It has not been easy and will continue to be an ongoing journey and challenge, but God knows we can handle it, so we must continue this journey forward to ensure that Nick continues to let God capture his heart.

A Divine Appointment

If you are sitting down to read our blog for the first time...well, welcome to our story! I want you to know that this blog was set up to follow the details of our adoption process that brought our amazing little boy, Elijah home, but God has made it very clear to our family that our journey has just begun! Yes, we may be in a waiting period...waiting on God's voice to tell us to move again for His next child, but each day is a calling from God and God wants to know how you answer each day He places in front of you.

As our church is preparing for our Zoe Foundation Banquet, a banquet held to share God's heart for adoption, but also to help raise money for families who want to adopt chidlren into their home! This banquet is very special to Jon and I, because two years ago at this same banquet God affirmed his calling of adoption for our family! And...through the donations made at the previous banquet, our final gap of funding was filled to bring our baby boy Elijah home, without a single loan! We were so incredibly blessed and still are through our church's Zoe Foundation! Please let me know if you are interested in attending this banquet on February 24th at 6:30pm. You will not regret your decision to come and experience the Father's heart for adoption.

So back to my day to day calling.... As most of you know I am blessed to only work part time and stay home with Elijah the other days. I have learned that each day, whether it is at work or at the grocery store or wherever, God brings people into your life for specific purposes. Perhaps it's for a split second, a minute, a day, a week, a few months, a year, several years, or a lifetime. Whatever the timeframe, in our eyes, God sees these "divine appointments" as exactly that...your appointment with God and this person has been set and must not be missed. Does that make sense? For example, Elijah and I frequent the new Kroger down the street from our house, quite a bit, just to get out and the workers there are super friendly. Most of the time, I use the self check out, but for some reason we decided to go through the line one specific day. As we approach the checkout, the cashier sees Elijah and comments on how sweet and good he is. My comment, "yes I am completely blessed by this child God has given us." I then continued to share how he was adopted....the cashier was blessed in that moment...."thank you for that, you made my day." Simple....but an appointment kept. Here's another in a store appointment....Elijah and I wander through Babies R Us at times too. I actually wander around looking for the soon to be moms that have that look of puzzlement and stress on what they need to get or do.... Well, this one day while looking through the aisles for a baby shower gift, Elijah and I walked down an aisle with a woman, perhaps in her 50s, carefully looking over highchairs and jumpers. You could tell she was a bit confused. Of course as we walk by Elijah squeals, she turns around and comments on how sweet he is. God made it clear...this is your appointment for today... I simply asked how she was and what she was looking for. She was confused on some items and didn't get the right thing for her daughter's baby (her granddaughter) and wanted to replace it. We may not be asking her if she is a believer, but we are being a servant for the Lord. We walked through the different things she was looking at and I gave her insight on what we had and what I truly loved about them. I again shared our adoption story and she said, after the help in finding the right items and giving her our time, Thank you so much for taking your time to help me and share that with me. I would have been here for hours if you didn't say something to me. Again...simple and just a little help. These are split second encounters that will affect their thoughts and lives, leaving them wondering why someone cares so much to help or encourage them. So these encounters can happen everyday, but sometimes there are appointments that God sets for long term. I have had many of those and have cherished each one of them.

Here is one that started during our adoption process.....

My amazing massage therapist, Laura, is a very special appointment to me. About half way through our adoption process I started having extreme neck and shoulder pain. We tried physical therapy with no results, so I decided to try a deep massage. My appointment was set with Laura for my massage, but God had a bigger plan for this initial "divine appointment." Laura is a sweet and beautiful woman who I knew God had a specific purpose for the minute I walked in the room. Unsure of the journey for her, I prayed and began to open my heart as God was leading me. Over the next few months, I began to share Jon and my story of fertility, sickness, family deaths, and our current adoption journey. Throughout this time, Laura opened her heart to share with me her and her husband's struggle to get pregnant and the decision of whether or not to adopt. All I could do was pray that God would open their hearts to His plan for them and give them a clear direction. Well, at our last appointment, Laura came to me and said, "Guess what? My husband wants to adopt! He was against it before, but after I kept bringing your stories and information home, he is very excited about it." I continue pray for Laura and pray that God will continue to guide their hearts on their adoption journey! My heart right now hopes that they will join us at our banquet and meet others that have walked in their shoes too! It's amazing how God can use a pain in the neck to glorify Him!

I hope that I am able to instill these "divine appointments" in the hearts of my children. My prayer is that they see each individual in their lives as a child of the Most High and to learn to listen to God's heart for a divne appointment. I know Nick is learning this in pieces, but I pray that God truly opens his mind to what He can do through him.

Their are so many people that have stepped in and out of my life in just the right moments! These amazing people have not only blessed me, but I know God's hand was right in the middle of our "divine appointments" with each other. Please leave a note, if you feel God set a divine appointment with you and me in the last five or so years! You know who you are.....

On that note....Elijah and I are about to head to the grocery store to find God's appointment for the day....when will yours be?

A new year...another journey...

A new year...another journey.... Our family has thoroughly enjoyed bringing in 2012 as a family of 4! Elijah has been an amazing addition to our family and for him we are so incredibly blessed!! Let me give you a brief update on our two amazing children first!

Nicholas.... WOW! Such a talented young man! He started his first gymnastics meet season in November and has absolutely blown us away with his capabilities! This past fall, we walked into his pediatrician's office sharing with him some of Nick's educational difficulties, due to his learning disability and ADHD. The doctor asked to see some of what Nick was working on and asked how his school was helping him. His doctor was absolutely blown away at what Nick was capable of doing, despite his learning disability! The doctor's comment to me, "Mom, you are doing amazing with this young man! I am extremely pleased at how he is doing, because to be honest, your mom and I weren't sure of what he would be capable of doing when he was first placed in her care. Nick is doing things that he wasn't sure he was ever capable of doing academically!" That being said, he went on to say that his teacher is doing an outstanding job with Nick and to keep him in this school as long as possible, since he is progressing so wonderfully. Perhaps behind his peers, but progressing! Great confidence booster for Jon and I...thank you Lord as our hearts were beginning to become heavy with what to do with him. As we continued to discuss Nick, I pulled up some gymnastics pictures of Nick at his first meet! The doctor's comments, "What?! That's Nick? Oh my, Nick! You are amazing!" Again, Nick has beaten all odds and is doing something beyond what was expected of him! When Dr. Raine first met Nick, he was this failure to thrive, undernourished, skin and bones baby, with a severe hip dysplasia, a cataract in his eye, and cleft lip and palate! What!? This child with a cataract in his eye is competing in gymnastics competively?! On top of that, he is competing with kids, numerically his age at 10, but physically and developmentally 4 years ahead of him! You see, Nick's growth hormone deficiency is still very delayed. Therefore, we have a 10 year old boy in the body of a 6 year old (according to his bone scan). He is competing with boys whose bodies are capable of doing more than a 6 year old body is capable of doing, yet still seems to hang with these boys competively! We don't tell Nick this, because we like that he pushes himself to improve and become even more passionate about this sport he loves! I always say this about Nick, but in my heart, I truly believe this....God has something amazing for Nick's life and I cannot wait to see what happens! I love this quirky and spunky little boy so much! Thank you Lord for this challenge of a young boy! Without him, I wouldn't have seen how You can use a small boy to beat all odds and change hearts of many around him!

Elijah.... I can't believe he is 7 months old! He is such a happy little baby! I love spending so much time with him! I continue to look at him in disbelief and joy that this our bundle of joy! Elijah started sitting by himself at about 5 months. He cut two teeth a week apart at about 6 months. He absolutely loves making noises and has learned to be very vocal in our house! Elijah enjoys books so much that he gets so excited when I pull one out to look at and read with him. His favorite book, currently, is Fun Time Baby. Simple, but he loves it! He is eating foods now, which he is a huge fan of. This little one is trying to feed himself, which becomes a big mess, but he loves it! Nicholas is a great big brother to him and Elijah loves to watch Nick play or just sit with him while Nick plays with his legos. Our entire family is still overflowing with joy with our little Elijah! God has been so good to us and for that we are so thankful!!



So what's next? We seem to get the same questions again and again....

1. So are you going to adopt again? A big "absolutely, yes!"

2. When are you going to start the process again? We hope after Elijah turns one, but when God calls us to start the process again...we will follow Him.

3. Are you going to adopt a girl this time? Well, We would love a girl, but we will adopt the child or children God desires for our family.

4. Are you going to keep working next year or stay home? Our desire is for me to stay home next year and we continue to pray God's will and provision to enable me to stay home.

These being answered...we continue to listen to God for his vision for our family and our future. In the meantime, our prayer is that God's heart for adoption will overflow through our family into the hearts of others around us. We have seen this and continue to see this prayer being answered as those around are beginning to capture the heart of the Father!

If you feel you might be interested or have questions about adoption or just want to pray for those who might want to adopt, we can help you get involved. Please ask me how!