The Heart of the Father!!

I am completely humbled by the work God is doing through our adoption journey! Since we started in June of 2010, God has opened the heart of friends and family to answer God's call to adopt through his Words He has spoken through this blog. I'm so thankful that God has opened our hearts and has brought families to this blog to share His heart with them, too. He is the one that spoke this blog into form! God is so good! The journey to get here is not easy, but God never said it would be easy, He only reminds us that He will be with us every step of the way. I know my Heavenly Father is with us and is in complete control of our lives and our family no matter how out of control and crazy it may get. He was with us through the many surgeries to "heal" my body of the infertility and the medical problems that seem to appear through the season of trials. He was with us when my precious mom went in and out of the hospitals. He was with us when she went to be with the Lord. He was with us and prepared our hearts for Nicholas. He was and still is with us while we raise the amazing child He has blessed us with through adoption. He is with us as we struggle financially. He is with us through this entire adoption journey and will provide in spite of what we see in the physical state in front of us! "The Lord will fulfull his purpose for me: your love, O Lord, endures forever; do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:8 God is good, I promise. He is the One Person you can always rely on. Some days, He may not appear to be listening, but He is! "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." Psalm 145: 8 "The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. They eyes of all (you and me) look to (Him), and He gives us our food (provision) at the proper time!" Psalm 145:14&15. You see, He truly is a Good God...How do I know?

God is my Savior, my Lord, and He lives within me. He has given me strength and everything I have ever needed! He is my peace in the midst of the storm. He is my protector when danger arises. My God is Good and He so loves you and wants to be in your heart and life too! He wants to be a part of your journey, so that He can lead you, guide you, and give you the strength and peace that He has given us. Not only does He promise this peace, strength, and love, but He promises everlasting life. A life with Him when He calls us to leave our life here on earth. A life with Him eternally in Heaven, without fears, worries, pain or suffering.

Everyone has been where you are, frustrated, scared, fearful, feelings of abandonment, mad, angry..the list goes on... But that does not matter to Him. He is calling you to Him, right now!

"Since we've compiled this long and sorry record as sinners and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ. God sacrificed Jesus on the altar of the world to clear that world of sin. Having faith in him sets us in the clear(free). God decided on this course of action in full view of the public to set the world in the clear (free) with himself through the sacrific of Jesus, finally taking care of the sins he had so patiently endured. " Romans 3: 23-25 (the Message)

Accepting Christ as your personal Savior is your way to Him. He is in my heart and in my life and I declare that He is my Savior and I'm truly blessed to be called a daughter of the Most High. I know that someone is reading this right now and God is pulling at your heart. He has been tugging for awhile and you haven't been quite sure what or who it was and what to do about it. God has specifically spoken this Word of Life to You! I wouldn't be writing this right now, if He wasn't seeking your heart, right now! This is His heart, through me, to YOU!

Well, here is what you can do...

Open your heart to God, right now! Say these words to Him, "Father, I know that I have sinned and I know that my heart has not followed yours, but I come to You now asking for forgiveness of my sins and my selfishness. I believe that Your Son, Jesus, died on the cross and took these sins from my life and from my heart. When He was nailed to the cross, You nailed my sins to that cross, too. I leave them behind and choose to have You in my heart, to lead me and to guide me on your path for me. Please, Father, I open my heart and my life to You. Come into my heart Jesus and help me to walk with You! Lord, I am completely Yours and completely trust You! "

You have just accepted Christ as your personal Savior! God is so good! If God called you to His heart through this, please let me or someone know. I want to pray with you, encourage you, and help guide you on this new life God has given you! This is the first step to a life with our amazing Father! He will pour out His blessings on you as you continue to seek Him daily... In His Word!

Our family dearly loves you and hope that you continue to reach out to Him! May God continue to bless you through our journey He has us on! Thank you for your love and your support through this exciting, yet scary time in our lives!!

The heart of Nick.

Father, my heart is sad, yet so thankful for your faithfulness and your honesty through this adoption journey You have us on. You have placed on my heart that our baby will be here soon, as in this spring, early summer and I'm so thrilled and overwhelmed at the same time. This is not why have come before the Lord, today, though.
God is providing and will continue to provide financially for our baby, but He continues to work through the spiritual and emotional aspects of bringing our child home. Like I have mentioned before, Adoption is a calling the Lord specifically spoke into our hearts and I know that God calls all parents that adopt into this journey for a reason. We are learning that adoption is not "the other option," or "the right thing to do." It's a higher calling....a calling that involves every part of your being, not only of yourself, but of your spouse, your extended family, your friends, and even your current children. This journey affects everyone, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. For our family, this journey has been filled of frustrations, joys, and sadness, but I would not change any part of this amazing journey! Now that I have prepared your hearts for what our families go through, I would like to try and share this through the eyes of a child, my son, Nicholas!

As I have told you many times before, Nick made his debut into our family at 2 1/2 months of age as and undernourished, starving, and facially deformed little angel. My mother, his foster mom, brought him home from the hospital as a "failure to thrive" with the comments from doctors and nurses..."not sure if he will ever recover from this malnourishment." Of course my mom did not see it that way, "this baby will survive if it takes all I have." Nick came home and as we looked into his eyes, we all knew, instantly, that God had an amazing plan for this little one, so God would pull him through this. My mom, a retired NICU nurse, brought this little one back to life. During the first 3 years of his life with our family, Nicholas had numerous therapists in and out of the home, doctors appointments, weekly, visits with his biological family, foster siblings in and out of the home, and 4 surgeries to endure and bounce back from. Did I mention this was before the age of 3? After he turned 3, his biological mother's rights were terminated, and my mother officially adopted this precious child. Nicholas was always a "spunky" little guy and didn't usually take no or you can't for an answer! Amazing to me!! Well, Nick lived with my mom, until he was about 6 years old and then transitioned into Jon and my home because of my mother's health. I think back to the time that Nick was with my mother, just Nick and my mom, and wonder what he, as a 4,5, and 6 year old had to do to help my mom. I am not saying that she wasn't an amazing mom, but she did have physical problems as time went on. In the last couple of years of her precious life, I remember walking into her apartment, while Nick was staying for the weekend, and finding my mom asleep and Nick on his own. This wasn't a "nap" as Nick would call it. I believe in my heart that my mom was suffering TIAs (mini strokes). I would wake my mom up, through shaking, and try to talk to her about it, but she was always in denial, because the doctors could never find it....of course not! "Why, then, is your speech slurred, your arm numb, and your memory gone?" So through this....Nick was exposed! During these years, my mom spent many days in and out of the hospitals due to sickness, surgeries, or the "TIAs." Nick became terrified of hospitals, doctors, ambulances.....a child that normally was seeing a doctor 3 to 4 times a month for his needs. This is all by 6 years of age! At age 7, Nick was starting to thrive and was with Jon and I, 5 days out of the week, and we had him in many activities and a routine. He was thriving, once again. Then it happened!
Nick and I went to check on my mom after a theatre class, only to find that she couldn't answer the door. Nick could hear her crying through the locked door, but we couldn't get in. We called 911, where the fire department arrived with the paramedics to "rescue" my mom. As Nick recalls, "they busted down the front window to get to her. She was lying on the floor by the door and could not get up. Those ambulance men took my grandma away and she will looking at me crying." As they pulled away, Nick was in shock, not sure what to think. We quickly got in the car and followed. Nick sat in the emergency room with me as we conversed with the doctors and then was taken home. Nick saw my mother one time after that in a hospital room, "asleep," and then again after she had passed away. My heart cries at this, everytime I think about it!! Not only did I lose my mom, but Nick did too....Twice!! His biological mom and then his foster mom.

As I wrote this...I started to cry, uncontrollably...not because I lost my mom, but because my baby went through all of that and then had to adjust to life without her, being adopted by us, and then enduring, yet another surgery! My sweet Nicholas has been through the storms of life and he is now only 9 years old. God is forming an amazing man in Nicholas. He has a sensitive heart for so many people. Ask anyone who knows Nicholas.....Please, let this touch your heart and pray for him AND the children that are not yet in their "forever home" that are still enduring this kind of life!

Why the whole story? Well, in the last week, we have received emails from our agencies to be presented to birthmoms as a possible match. With these possibilities, we always brought them to our son and presented it to him as well. He was really excited about each of them, but had reluctantness in his heart about the babies being African American. At first, we told him that God loves every child and that if God wanted an African American child in our family, we will love him or her so much too! Nick's comment, "but I want a baby that looks like me, like our family." Again, we always reassured and moved on. The matches did not happen for us and as I look back at them, I remember feeling a sense of uneasiness about the match, in general. I kept thinking it was because of the finances weren't quite in place. Not so....

So, God brought this all forward to me last night, when I received an e-mail from an agency
about another birthmom, African American, giving birth in March. As I read through, I was super excited about the possibility and couldn't wait to share it with Jon and Nick. At that point, Nick walked into the room, and a feeling of uneasiness hit my heart and stomach. What is going on? I didn't understand how at one moment I would so excited and then it was gone! I re-assured myself that finances would be fine and still couldn't put my finger on it. Well, my wonderful mother-in-law called me to check on Nick and his sleeping habits. I began to tell her about what had just happened and what she thought. First thing she asked, "how is Nicholas feeling about this adoption?" "what are his thoughts about a little one of a different race?" That's when I knew! Nick was not ready for this change. I burst into tears as Jon came home. I was overwhelmed with guilt, sadness, and frustration about this. I quickly talked to my consultant, who will be calling me later today, to try and reassure myself that this was normal and we shouldn't worry about it. As I got off the phone, I still felt that God was trying to tell me something through this...something about my son. I was able to cry my heart out to my dear friend, Mandy, who has adopted a precious little boy from Ethiopia. She spoke God's heart to me for Nicholas. Nicholas was not able to verbalize what he was really feeling to us, but God brought it to me through Mandy. "Nicholas needs to feel a sense of 'belonging,' a sense of 'normal' in a life that has been anything but normal. Perhaps he wants this sibling to resemble your family because he knows this will make his family 'normal.' " Still holding back the choking in the throat and tears in my eyes, it began to make sense.... My child is not prejudice, he wants a family that he can identify with, a sibling that he can identify with, completely. A sibling that he can share adoption stories with. A sibling that will encounter some of the same hurdles that he has and will encounter as an adopted child. In his mind, "what do I have in commone with a child that doesn't look like me, except that we were both adopted?" It still breaks my heart to even think that we will not be able to consider all children that are needing homes right now, but I have to remember that Jon and I are not the only ones adopting our baby...Nicholas is too! I love my son, with all that I am, and I want nothing more to see him happy, secure, and trusting towards us and His Heavenly Father. With all of the insecurities this child has been through, God is showing us that he is not ready for an adoption that would bring more insecurities to his identity he has begun to build in our family.

"Father, my heart still hurts, but I know that You are faithful to bring the perfect child into our family. I ask that you help bring me peace, wisdom, and comfort as I begin to talk to our social workers, agencies, and to our consultant. My heart longs for our baby and I know that your plan is perfect and you are in control of every aspect of this. Lord...I release this guilt of not being able to accept a child of another race into our home. Fill this hole with your love, your peace, and your comfort. Father, please comfort Nicholas and give him peace as his life, again, is about to change. Give him security and peace in You. Remind him of your love and our love for him! Lord, I know that our financing is going to have to be greater and our patience to wait longer, but You are in control and You would not have shared our son's heart with us if it wasn't important. You know the dynamics of our family-to-be and know what Nicholas can endure. Thank you for my precious mother-in-law for opening my mind to these possible questions for our son. I'm so grateful for my precious friend and sister in Christ, Mandy, for letting You speak through her, not only Nicholas's heart, but Your heart for our family. Lord, I pray blessings over each person that reads this post....I ask that any of them that do not know you personally will seek You with all that they have and will ask for prayer. God speaks....open your heart to Him and He will open your heart and speak..."

Awakened by the Lord!

I never know when God is going reach down within me and pull me to His side to speak His heart into mine. Although, I guess none of us do. Let me udpate you with what has been going on in our family. Most of you know that Jon works full commission as a Financial Advisor and I work part time as a speech therapist. Well as many financial jobs are going with this economy, it has been a struggle. There are many days, when fear gets the best of Jon, knowing that he needs to provide for his family. Through it all, he has remained faithful. He still gives out of every paycheck to the Lord, no matter the amount of the paycheck that month. Jon is an amazing leader to our family.
Anyway...I could go on and on about how amazing my husband is, but that isn't the Word God has placed on my heart. Things have been super tight these past couple of weeks for our family. I work as a contract therapist, so while schools are out...I don't get paid! My cohort and I have looked into me getting more hours to supplement, but every time I have done so, God seems to step in and prevent it. I knew deep down that God will provide our every need, but I, too, was beginning to let fear settle in. This slowly began to creep into my thoughts with the adoption. You see, I feel very strongly that our match is just around the corner. This has really brought my thoughts of bringing a newborn into our home to the forefront! Thoughts rolled through my head...."we still don't have any baby furniture or baby items, our funding is not complete, am I ready to stay up hours at a time with a newborn, and still function the next day with a nine year old, how will we make ends meet with me being part time and not able to find more hours...." Fear was setting in...and the enemy was trying to take a foothold.
On a side note, we have been dealing with some medication and sleep issues with our son since he had surgery. He just is not sleeping at night! I have been pulling my hair trying to figure out what is going on, besides the lack of physical activity due to post surgery requirements, and his ADHD medication, I am baffled. Well, this is where the Lord stepped in!

Last night, Nick was put to bed about 8pm...his normal bedtime. Jon and I went to bed early (9:30p), because Jon was not feeling well. Nick was still awake, which is normal for him, because sometimes it takes him time to settle. Well, I quickly fell asleep and slept hard, until about 12:55a I was jolted awake. Not from a dream or noise, but I believe by God! I suddenly had this feeling that something was wrong. Then, I noticed Nick was quietly standing at the door. I waited to see what he would do... He closed the door. I felt this nudge to go check on him. I quickly got out of bed to follow him, thinking that perhaps he is sleepwalking, which he has been known to do. He was in the kitchen, not sure why, but there he was. I hesitated to see if he indeed was sleepwalking, but soon realized that he wasn't. I followed him back to his room, asking him what he was doing. We opened the door and fumes of paint overwhelmed my senses. I was terrified, angry, sad, and scared all at the same time! I look to the floor to find paint pens that he dug through my office supplies/craft supplies to find. He had been using them with a door closed! Thoughts flooded my mind of what could have happened if the Lord had not jolted me awake! I felt so frustrated and ashamed that I didn't know what to do. As I look around the room, I found our kitchen scissors, paperclips that he was using as staples, and a handwritten letter to a sweet friend of his, Amanda. He was in the process of making something for her.....IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! As I look at my extremely tired child, my mind started working again.... all I could think about were the paint fumes, which could have easily intoxicated this small child's body and affecting him forever! I was mortified! I know in my heart the God woke me from sleep to protect my precious baby. I put him back in bed and went to the living room, unable to sleep. I sat down, pulled out my journal, and prayed!
Here's my journal entry:
Now, here I am unable to sleep out of sheer fear that something will happen to my precious baby. Lord, Thank you for waking me! Father, why is he not sleeping. Please, give me wisdom. I am so desparate for him to sleep at night again.
The Lord's reply: "That is a Mother's Heart, my child."
I continued to stay awake. It was probably 1:30a by now...I was fervently praying for my child to sleep, covering him in God's peace and comfort knowing I could not rest until my child did.
It's nearly 2am and my prayers have been answered...I think. Lord, please give me wisdom as to what to do for my sweet boy. Should I reduce his medication, take him off of it, have him run laps after school, which doctors should I talk to? Father, I need wisdom and peace!
I slowly got up to check on him and he was still restless. I spent the next hour..that's right...until 3am...praying over my little boy. I declared sleep and fought the enemy that was keeping him awake! My child belongs to the Most High! He will sleep the rest of the night! He finally drifted to sleep. I sat there a little bit longer, praising God for His safety and worshipping Him!

Looking back on this, I realize what God is trying to show me. Regardless of how ready or not ready we think we are to have more children, God will be there. He is our provider, our protector, our Rock, our Healer, our Comforter...I could go on forever. I have to trust Him in all aspects of this journey. Our baby will be here soon, but so will God...He was always here and will never leave! I now know that despite how things look in front of me, God will provide and I will trust in Him! As our pastor put it...I need to have a "sure heart." Even though I see that things look dismal, I will trust my Father, completely, and with all that I have. Like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendigo..even in the midst of the fire, they were standing in, they remained faithful and trust in God! Our family will continue to stand firm on God's promise, no matter what the circumstance may look like in the physical. God wants us to step into a heart of victory and trust and that is where I plan to be!

Sweet, Little one....God is preparing our family for you, because He has big, big plans for your life! When God feels that our whole family is ready, He will bring you home to us!

Grandma planted the seed....

Today was the day that the guest room officially began preparations to become our precious baby's nursery. Our cousins, Jason and Aynsley, came and picked up the queen bed that was hindering any progress towards turning the room into the baby's room. Thank you so much for helping us out! I'm so excited to start transforming this bedroom, but before I could start thinking that I had to pull some things out from under the bed, so we could move it.....

As I was pulling the few things out, Nick and I came across a small pink and black, floral backpack. The backpack used by mom to grab as she walked out the door, carrying her medications, checkbook, wallet, and other odds and ends. Why is this still sitting there...she went to be with the Lord 3 years ago? Perhaps, it was my way of hanging on very quietly or I couldn't bear to go through it, knowing it was with her when she passed away. Regardless, Nick and I went through it together, filling us with the memory of my precious mom! Little by little, Nick pulled out each of her identification cards, holding on tight to the all the ones with her picture. He then pulled out a card, "Texas Department of Protective and Regulatory Services: Betty Gardiner, Foster Parent Official Identification." He asked, "what's this?" I responded with, "grandma was your foster mom, remember how I told you that God brought you to grandma so she could care for you when your birth mom did not know how? Foster parents are parents that take care of children that need a place to live while their mom and dad work on making their home safe for them." He didn't say much after that...I assume he was processing this, even though he has been told this before. For me...it was a reminder that because my mom gave her heart and the last days of her life as a foster mom, she gave me my first child! Without her determination to become a foster mom, I would not have my precious baby, Nicholas. Without her love of children in the foster care system, Jon would not have seen these precious children that needed homes and may not have considered adoption so quickly and have the burden for orphans like I do.
I continued to set aside these precious items and memories of my mom flooded through my mind. I began to look around the, now empty room, wishing my mom was here to welcome our precious little one into our home and to listen to all of her suggestions for the room. I truly believe in my heart that she would have suggested mint green walls...so that will be where we start! I know that my mom would have been an amazing grandma to our children.
How does this apply to our adoption calling? My mother planted this adoption seed into our hearts by opening her heart to the orphans. I am so incredibly thankful for my mom's impact on our family. So, I finally discover that God started this adoption calling with my mom! Thank you Lord for imparting your calling on my mother, so we could experience your love and sacrifice through my mom!

Where are we at in this adoption journey?

It's a New Year! We have pulled through a year of four surgeries, which brought many medical bills, a new school for Nick, new jobs for both Jon and I, a massive flood at Jon's parents and grandparents, my dad losing his job, my sister building a new house, and finances being tighter than they have ever been before....yet God remains faithful! Our family is ready to see what 2011 will bring us...we pray it's our baby!

The question of the day...."so how is your adoption process going and do you have a baby that you know of yet?" The answer: "We are still waiting on a match, but I know it's God's timing...." You know how many times this same question and answer have been repeated since we started this process? At least a few hundred times.... Somedays, I get frustrated, b/c I am anxious and so ready. Other days I am at peace knowing God has a perfect timing for us and our baby will be with us in His perfect timing... I admit, It is not easy to wait, but when has following the Will of God ever been easy? God never said it was going to be easy, He only said this was His calling and His path and that He will walk through it with us!

So where are we in the process? This is what is currently happening in the Stewart household... I am writing Thank You notes to our wonderful friends and family that have so generously given to our first matching grant and have helped us raise almost $12K for our baby through the Hand in Hand Matching grant!! Jon and I are patiently waiting to see if Gift of Adoption will be able to help with some of the finances of the adoption. Our application will be going to the review committee this week! If they are in God's will for us, it will happen!! We are working on another form of financing as well, through Lifesong. They have matching grants, fundraising, and no interest loans. This application is in depth and will take us a little while to gather the information needed for it. I still believe that God will provide 100% for our adoption in some way or another! We will also be contacting our consultant to check in with the different agencies that we have applied for and check to make sure our information is where it needs to be. The guest room will begin it's tranformation process this weekend into a baby room, as well! This is where we are in the adoption process.....

In addition to the adoption, though, we are attending to our precious Nick and continuing to pray that his bone graft works! We will know in March, when he sees his orthodontist, if the bone graft worked! Again, patience and waiting...do we see a common theme, here? Until then, he remains on soft foods and low activity levels...hmmm, lets see how this goes! Nick is so precious to us....Words cannot describe the love I have for this child! God brought him into our lives at almost 3months old and he has truly blessed us ever since! I am constantly blessed by his words. As we go to numerous doctors appointments for him, he gets the common question, "do you have any brothers or sisters?" I would respond with, "Well, not yet, but...." and before I can finish, Nick chimes in, " we are adopting! We might get a boy or a girl, but I kind of want a boy, but a girl would be good too...God will give us the perfect baby....I am so excited...I'm going to be a big brother and you know I'm not sure about changing the diapers, though.... but after the baby we want to adopt some kids, maybe my age and the boy will share my room and then I will have someone to play with.......and then...." They have just unleashed this child's overwhelming excitement about his soon to be baby brother or sister and God's immense calling on his heart! I believe that God doesn't just call the parents to adopt, He calls the whole family into adoption! As you can see, Nicholas has been called as an adopted child, himself, and to adopt sisters and brothers into the family God has blessed him with!

Writing this entry reminds me of God's calling for us and brings me back to why we are walking through this journey slowly....

It wouldn't be considered a journey if we weren't experiences the ups and downs....

it wouldn't be considered a journey if my child didn't have time to process and truly understand his own calling....

it wouldn't be considered a journey if our calling wasn't confirmed through the words of child....

it wouldn't be considered a journey if I didn't get the chance to watch as our consultant adopts and watches their baby struggle in the NICU....

it wouldn't be considered a journey if our finances were already there and we didn't have to ask for support....

it wouldn't be considered a journey if we didn't have 3 surgeries in the midst of this processs...

it wouldn't be considered a journey if Jon wasn't struggling with his commission only job and we didn't have to lean on God in faith..

and it truly wouldn't be considered a journey if God wasn't involved in all the details and I didn't learn to trust Him completely through this process!!

God is faithful and remains faithful in every aspect of our lives, although it may not seem like it at the time..He is always here with us...and will reveal his purpose for each journey we have gone through! From the words of a child...if we had not encountered and gone through the endometriosis journey....would we be here now...on this journey to adopt....God's calling for us!!!

Look for God in your journey!!!