The heart of Nick.

Father, my heart is sad, yet so thankful for your faithfulness and your honesty through this adoption journey You have us on. You have placed on my heart that our baby will be here soon, as in this spring, early summer and I'm so thrilled and overwhelmed at the same time. This is not why have come before the Lord, today, though.
God is providing and will continue to provide financially for our baby, but He continues to work through the spiritual and emotional aspects of bringing our child home. Like I have mentioned before, Adoption is a calling the Lord specifically spoke into our hearts and I know that God calls all parents that adopt into this journey for a reason. We are learning that adoption is not "the other option," or "the right thing to do." It's a higher calling....a calling that involves every part of your being, not only of yourself, but of your spouse, your extended family, your friends, and even your current children. This journey affects everyone, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. For our family, this journey has been filled of frustrations, joys, and sadness, but I would not change any part of this amazing journey! Now that I have prepared your hearts for what our families go through, I would like to try and share this through the eyes of a child, my son, Nicholas!

As I have told you many times before, Nick made his debut into our family at 2 1/2 months of age as and undernourished, starving, and facially deformed little angel. My mother, his foster mom, brought him home from the hospital as a "failure to thrive" with the comments from doctors and nurses..."not sure if he will ever recover from this malnourishment." Of course my mom did not see it that way, "this baby will survive if it takes all I have." Nick came home and as we looked into his eyes, we all knew, instantly, that God had an amazing plan for this little one, so God would pull him through this. My mom, a retired NICU nurse, brought this little one back to life. During the first 3 years of his life with our family, Nicholas had numerous therapists in and out of the home, doctors appointments, weekly, visits with his biological family, foster siblings in and out of the home, and 4 surgeries to endure and bounce back from. Did I mention this was before the age of 3? After he turned 3, his biological mother's rights were terminated, and my mother officially adopted this precious child. Nicholas was always a "spunky" little guy and didn't usually take no or you can't for an answer! Amazing to me!! Well, Nick lived with my mom, until he was about 6 years old and then transitioned into Jon and my home because of my mother's health. I think back to the time that Nick was with my mother, just Nick and my mom, and wonder what he, as a 4,5, and 6 year old had to do to help my mom. I am not saying that she wasn't an amazing mom, but she did have physical problems as time went on. In the last couple of years of her precious life, I remember walking into her apartment, while Nick was staying for the weekend, and finding my mom asleep and Nick on his own. This wasn't a "nap" as Nick would call it. I believe in my heart that my mom was suffering TIAs (mini strokes). I would wake my mom up, through shaking, and try to talk to her about it, but she was always in denial, because the doctors could never find it....of course not! "Why, then, is your speech slurred, your arm numb, and your memory gone?" So through this....Nick was exposed! During these years, my mom spent many days in and out of the hospitals due to sickness, surgeries, or the "TIAs." Nick became terrified of hospitals, doctors, ambulances.....a child that normally was seeing a doctor 3 to 4 times a month for his needs. This is all by 6 years of age! At age 7, Nick was starting to thrive and was with Jon and I, 5 days out of the week, and we had him in many activities and a routine. He was thriving, once again. Then it happened!
Nick and I went to check on my mom after a theatre class, only to find that she couldn't answer the door. Nick could hear her crying through the locked door, but we couldn't get in. We called 911, where the fire department arrived with the paramedics to "rescue" my mom. As Nick recalls, "they busted down the front window to get to her. She was lying on the floor by the door and could not get up. Those ambulance men took my grandma away and she will looking at me crying." As they pulled away, Nick was in shock, not sure what to think. We quickly got in the car and followed. Nick sat in the emergency room with me as we conversed with the doctors and then was taken home. Nick saw my mother one time after that in a hospital room, "asleep," and then again after she had passed away. My heart cries at this, everytime I think about it!! Not only did I lose my mom, but Nick did too....Twice!! His biological mom and then his foster mom.

As I wrote this...I started to cry, uncontrollably...not because I lost my mom, but because my baby went through all of that and then had to adjust to life without her, being adopted by us, and then enduring, yet another surgery! My sweet Nicholas has been through the storms of life and he is now only 9 years old. God is forming an amazing man in Nicholas. He has a sensitive heart for so many people. Ask anyone who knows Nicholas.....Please, let this touch your heart and pray for him AND the children that are not yet in their "forever home" that are still enduring this kind of life!

Why the whole story? Well, in the last week, we have received emails from our agencies to be presented to birthmoms as a possible match. With these possibilities, we always brought them to our son and presented it to him as well. He was really excited about each of them, but had reluctantness in his heart about the babies being African American. At first, we told him that God loves every child and that if God wanted an African American child in our family, we will love him or her so much too! Nick's comment, "but I want a baby that looks like me, like our family." Again, we always reassured and moved on. The matches did not happen for us and as I look back at them, I remember feeling a sense of uneasiness about the match, in general. I kept thinking it was because of the finances weren't quite in place. Not so....

So, God brought this all forward to me last night, when I received an e-mail from an agency
about another birthmom, African American, giving birth in March. As I read through, I was super excited about the possibility and couldn't wait to share it with Jon and Nick. At that point, Nick walked into the room, and a feeling of uneasiness hit my heart and stomach. What is going on? I didn't understand how at one moment I would so excited and then it was gone! I re-assured myself that finances would be fine and still couldn't put my finger on it. Well, my wonderful mother-in-law called me to check on Nick and his sleeping habits. I began to tell her about what had just happened and what she thought. First thing she asked, "how is Nicholas feeling about this adoption?" "what are his thoughts about a little one of a different race?" That's when I knew! Nick was not ready for this change. I burst into tears as Jon came home. I was overwhelmed with guilt, sadness, and frustration about this. I quickly talked to my consultant, who will be calling me later today, to try and reassure myself that this was normal and we shouldn't worry about it. As I got off the phone, I still felt that God was trying to tell me something through this...something about my son. I was able to cry my heart out to my dear friend, Mandy, who has adopted a precious little boy from Ethiopia. She spoke God's heart to me for Nicholas. Nicholas was not able to verbalize what he was really feeling to us, but God brought it to me through Mandy. "Nicholas needs to feel a sense of 'belonging,' a sense of 'normal' in a life that has been anything but normal. Perhaps he wants this sibling to resemble your family because he knows this will make his family 'normal.' " Still holding back the choking in the throat and tears in my eyes, it began to make sense.... My child is not prejudice, he wants a family that he can identify with, a sibling that he can identify with, completely. A sibling that he can share adoption stories with. A sibling that will encounter some of the same hurdles that he has and will encounter as an adopted child. In his mind, "what do I have in commone with a child that doesn't look like me, except that we were both adopted?" It still breaks my heart to even think that we will not be able to consider all children that are needing homes right now, but I have to remember that Jon and I are not the only ones adopting our baby...Nicholas is too! I love my son, with all that I am, and I want nothing more to see him happy, secure, and trusting towards us and His Heavenly Father. With all of the insecurities this child has been through, God is showing us that he is not ready for an adoption that would bring more insecurities to his identity he has begun to build in our family.

"Father, my heart still hurts, but I know that You are faithful to bring the perfect child into our family. I ask that you help bring me peace, wisdom, and comfort as I begin to talk to our social workers, agencies, and to our consultant. My heart longs for our baby and I know that your plan is perfect and you are in control of every aspect of this. Lord...I release this guilt of not being able to accept a child of another race into our home. Fill this hole with your love, your peace, and your comfort. Father, please comfort Nicholas and give him peace as his life, again, is about to change. Give him security and peace in You. Remind him of your love and our love for him! Lord, I know that our financing is going to have to be greater and our patience to wait longer, but You are in control and You would not have shared our son's heart with us if it wasn't important. You know the dynamics of our family-to-be and know what Nicholas can endure. Thank you for my precious mother-in-law for opening my mind to these possible questions for our son. I'm so grateful for my precious friend and sister in Christ, Mandy, for letting You speak through her, not only Nicholas's heart, but Your heart for our family. Lord, I pray blessings over each person that reads this post....I ask that any of them that do not know you personally will seek You with all that they have and will ask for prayer. God speaks....open your heart to Him and He will open your heart and speak..."