This post has been whirling around in my head for weeks... I hear the Lord whispering into my spirit and wanting me to be transparent. Transparent to those I don't know, although I feel as though I have been so transparent and open to everyone through this blog, He continues to tell me, "transparent enough for everyone to see ME?" Perhaps I am not being "transparent" in the eyes of the Lord.
You see, God moves in His time...never in the time I would like Him to move....but in perfect time. His perfect time for healing, provision, and redirection. I am by far NOT perfect and I am truly a struggling mom and woman striving to please everyone around me...yet I seem to have missed someone very important....My Father, My Creator. This has been the area of redirection God has called me...yes, me..into these past ...oh 3 months or so. What does this look like? What does this mean? I believe this looks different for each person, depending on where God wants to mold your character. For me...it's Obedience.
Whoa!! Obedience?! Yes. How can my children follow/obey me when I'm directly not obeying my Heavenly Father? No, I'm not doing anything illegal in the eyes of this world. Perhaps, I'm doing everything right in the eyes of this world, but I'm not obeying God, completely. Confused, yet? So was I when he spoke this into my heart.
God calls us to follow Him, to trust Him, completely. When He says move, speak, or go, what should we do? Wait a few days? Perhaps a couple of months...or for me..years? No, we should obey in faith knowing that He knows our path and the plans for us. Why, now? Good question that I have chosen to confess to the Lord my disobedience and lack of trust in Him, therefore I am forgiven and now can live freely in his arms....Now I'm not saying that I don't falter, have a time of fear, or lack of faith, but I can now recognize and feel the rebuking quite a bit faster than before. My first huge leap of faith and obedience?
Here goes.... Many know that God called me to be a stay at home mom, perhaps years ago, but our fear of provision prevented us from taking that complete leap of faith until a year ago. What I learned in that year has brought me to the point that I am right now. God provided all our needs on one income... an income based on commission and complete trust on God's provision. As we moved Nick from an amazing, small private school to a school where I would be teaching some of his concepts, we felt God's hand in this and felt this was a transition point for Nick and our family. At the time, we were not quite sure what that was, but I was relieved to have special education assistance and the ability to work more and more with Nick at home. As the year moved forward, God started speaking into my heart his educational plan for our children, again.
Let me rewind a bit.... Nick has moved from a variety of different "traditional" school settings in his lifetime with this hovering thought that it was not quite right. We couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong, but knew God knew and so we continued to be educational "nomads." I had a feeling of inadequacy when it came to my child's needs and education, so we kept looking for help and the "perfect school" for Nick.
Back to present... Well, God made it pretty clear this past spring as we were talking about how his first year at his school went and what he did and did not like about it. The response we got was astounding and absolutely broke our hearts. "Mom, it's okay. I like my teachers, but I don't have any friends. The kids don't like me." He then proceeded to tell Jon in a separate conversation, "Dad, I don't feel 'safe' there." Holding back the tears as my child's heart is broken and we put him into this situation, because I felt inadequate and didn't obey God, years ago!! So, I went through a time of frustration, anger, sadness, and just plain feeling sorry for myself, because my child was seeing a psychologist and I was making it worse because of the situation I put him in. Guilty!!!! Oh, Lord, please help us!! This was my.... "Tiffany, it's time to obey Me completely and trust Me completely!" moment!
God spoke directly to me...
"I have equipped you, Tiffany. Nick is your son because you are strong, you are patient, and your are loving. I will fill you up in your moments of inadequacy, but rely on me, not yourself. Continue to listen to me and obey me. The path may not be easy, but I am with you and Nick is going to be a man after my heart because of your sacrifices. Protect his heart and mind from conforming to the world. He is so precious and needs your shelter."
What does this mean? God has called us to home school Nick and our children. I know...a bit scary, but I know that I must obey and trust God in faith that He will give me strength, energy, wisdom and knowledge to guide him. More importantly, God will be able to work in His heart more closely and build his character to His and not the worlds. I know many of you will think I am crazy and this is ridiculous, but I know in my heart and have had many forms of confirmation in this that I will choose to ignore the words and thoughts the enemy tries to plant and follow God in faith for my children's lives. Yes, I know. It will not always be easy, but God is in control and God has surrounded me with so much support that we cannot fail. What does Nick think? Well...in the past, Nick refused this thought, but he is so excited about this that he is telling everyone and even started his curriculum this summer! If that's not a direct confirmation of God's will....I don't know what else would be!
Our lives our continuously in motion, but we are moving in the waves of our Father instead of the world's. We ask that you pray for our family and that we continue to listen and obey our Father. Another post soon on our adoption update!!
