The months and years before Nick became an official Stewart in our family, I remember thinking, "All he needs is structure, a better diet, and consistency." As he started Kindergarten for the 2nd time, I would hear, "He really is 'active." He can't seem to sit still. Nick can't keep his hands to himself." This list goes on. I refused to consider medication for Nick, knowing the possible side effects of these medications and truly wanted to believe that a change in environment would improve all of this. He is not what you say. He is not ADHD! Well, after we adopted Nick and he had been with us for over year, these "symptoms" did not go away. At the start of 2nd grade, in a small private school, Nick came to me after school one day and said, "mom, I can't do this. I can't focus like the other kids. They can listen to the teacher. I can't." My heart sank. We called the pediatrician and did what I had dreaded for the past 3 years. We gave Nick medicine for ADHD. He began to focus at school and his confidence improved. Wow, we can do this!
Little did we know that children with ADHD are not "fixed" just with medication. This diagnosis has become a whole new ballgame! As a speech therapist and one who researches everything and will go any distance to help her children I though I knew what we were up against. I read, children with ADHD need consistency with some flexibility. Children with ADHD need gross motor activities. Children with ADHD need low sugar diets. Children with ADHD need lots of patience. Children with ADHD need structure and limited stimulation. I remember telling myself, "I can do this. We can do this. I thrive on structure." This seem fairly easy and manageable, but boy was I wrong!
What did they not tell me? They did NOT tell that Children with ADHD will have to have revolving discipline/consequences (the same consequence will not always work. We have to change reinforcement and consequences on a weekly basis). They did NOT tell me that when their medicine is coming out of their system, they are miserable to be around. They did NOT tell me that they will do anything in their power to control you and everything around them, no matter the consequence. They did NOT tell me that you have to constantly follow them to make sure they do not hurt themself when unattended. The list could go on!
My plea to those who see parents in a store dealing with a child who "looks out of control and ADHD" that you do not judge until you have walked a week in their shoes. Let me take you through a day with our child with ADHD or perhaps a snip it of little windows of our life with ADHD.
Each morning, Nick is woken up at 6:30a to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush his teeth, put items in backpack and go to school. This is the routine every morning, no suprises. This is what we would love to happen, but does it?
"Nick it's time to get up?" He rolls over, "no!" "Nick, you need to get into the shower, so you have time for breakfast this morning. I know I would be awfully hungry, if I didn't get breakfast." Nick: "I don't care!!" Parent: "Well, that's your choice. Good luck with that." About ten minutes later and Nick is still in bed. Parent: "Nick you have to get out of bed, right now! It's not an option!" ..as we are now pulling him out of the bed and guiding him into the bathroom. "Nick flush the toilet, please!" ....Nick finally makes it into the shower and sits there until the bathroom is foggy and we again have to drag him out to get dressed. Parent: "Nick you need to get your clothes on." Nick is singing, running around, and doing everything but getting dressed. Parent: "Guess what, you now ony have time for yogurt and cheerios instead of a warm breakfast." Nick: "no! I have time. You just watch. I will have a warm breakfast!!" as he is attempting to get dressed. He walks away and then gets distracted by something and starts to play in his room. Parent: "Are you going to go school in your underwear or your clothes, today?" Nick: "no!" Parent: "Well, I hope not." He finally gets dressed and runs to get what he thinks is going to be a hot breakfast and instead finds his cheerios and yogurt waiting for him. And start meltdown. Nick: "I want a sausage biscuit! I'm not eating this! Give it to me now!!" Parent: "Nick this is all you have time for and if you don't sit down and eat now, then you will not eat anything." Nick: "then I'm not eating!" Parent: "that's fine!" Nick: "Fine, I will eat!" While eating, he manages to get yogurt all over the table and on his shirt. He continues to sing and jumps around all over the place. Parent: "Nick go brush your teeth!" Nick still prancing and playing around. Most days Nick barely makes it to school with his hair combed, teeth brushed, and shoes tied. Those are just battles we are not willing to fight at this point. We are relieved to get him out the door in one piece. It is one thing to say that this might happen one day a week, but it doesn't! This is every day! It is exhausting!! This is only the mornings for us! So, as his medicine kicks in, he starts to listen, and be the sweet child we know he truly is, but he is off to school to share that side of him with everyone else!!
It's 3 'o' clock...time to pick up Nick from school. This is normally a happy time for parents to have their precious children return home to them after a long day a school. Most come home with 30 minutes of homework, that they will sit down to do with little guidance and will get to go out and play. Not with a child with ADHD. Most of these children have struggled all day long, even with medicine in their system, to stay focused and hold it together. These are the kids that come home with homework and the parents have to fight with them to get it done. Let me put it into real life for you. Nick is at a small private school, so that he is pushed to learn beyond his limts, but this school has been amazing to recognize his learning disability and help him where he needs to be helped. Regardless, he still comes home with homework...probably more than most kids, because he is working so hard at trying to sit still that he can't focus on getting class work done too. Well, when he is home to do homework (Nick does some homework in the car on days that he is in gymnastics ...monday, wednesday, friday) our routine is as follows: Parent: "Nick, it's time to get your folders out and get this homework completed." Nick: "I need a snack." Parent: "that's fine, then sit down and start your homework. Let's start with this first." Nick: "wait, I have to go to the bathroom." Parent: "That's fine, anything else?" Nick: "no." Homework has commenced as I'm sitting there, baby in lap to guide him through it. Most days his medicine is still in his system to finish his homework...thank goodness. About 6pm or 7pm, the medicine is out, and all hope is lost for homework. It then becomes a battle of wills to even get something written on the page. This not only wears me out, but him out as well, but an ADHD child worn out, doesn't mean tired, it means wild and out of control, and mean. DONE! We are done! Again...gratefully, we have a school that now understands this, allows him time with a tutor at school to work on homework during the day. The evening begins...medicine out of system. Dinner time...fairly normal, but with excessive talking and food not quite staying on his plate....if you have been to my house at dinner....you have seen this in action! Dinner as ended, time for bedtime routine...again..the same every night since 2nd grade! Head to the bathroom to take care of business....yes, we have to schedule this for our child, otherwise, he would not take time to do it....I'm serious! After 20minutes of sitting and playing, we have to drag him out of the bathroom. Time to put jammies on....yet another battle...brush teeth....we brush for him, because, he may not have had time in the morning to brush. ...and bedtime (book, prayer, and to sleep.) Some nights, this is war too! Won't go into detail, but imagine a 3 year old bedtime battle...that's what we can deal with! We are now fully exhausted and ready for bed ourselves...no time to talk are relax before bed. We have had to stay on our child from the time he got home from school until he went to bed!
These were just our routine events that happen on a school day...it doesn't include times in the store, down time at home, or other family activities. We are constantly on edge to make sure he is not getting into something unsafe, such as pulling batteries out of things and putting them in others, playing with tools in the garage, or tearing apart the sunroom/playroom, that he hasn't wandered across the store because he finds something he has to touch or play with or wanders to another aisle because the aisle he is in is now too boring to stay, thus begins the search for him! Recently, he has developed a defiance that is unnerving and magnifies all of the above ventures.
Why, write and share this? This is not for sympathy or a pat on the back. This is truly for a better understanding of parents of children with ADHD. When you see one of these children walk into school, clothes inside out, hair a mess, and breakfast down their shirt, don't judge the parent. When this child walks into your classroom and their homework is incomplete, don't judge the parent. When you see this child running/wandering through Target and the parent yelling for them to stay with them, don't judge the parent. When you see this child openly defy or ignore their parent's instruction, don't judge this parent. Parents of children with ADHD are usually giving all that they have to survive the day and raise their child as best that they know how. Perhaps a word of encouragement instead of a glance of disgust would be nice. So, until you have walked a week in the shoes of a parent with a child with ADHD, don't judge them.
