God's ready?!

It seems a bit crazy that God would be calling us into an adventure in the midst of the chaos whirling around us, but His purpose is far greater than I can even see or imagine right now.  Honestly, I have no idea how this next adventure will even begin or move without Him, because we cannot do this alone!



Some of you keep up with the on goings of our family through facebook or through this blog and know that things have been unsettled with our Nick.  I feel as though his symptoms are worsening and my parenting skills are less than desirable at times, but then I get a quick reminder from a friend that I'm a good mom and I am doing a good job....and I'm not alone.  Most recently, Nick pulled an all nighter on a school night.  One of his symptoms of FASD (insomnia).  Along with this moment, he had many other moments/symptoms prevail through this one night.  Here is the e-mail I sent to his poor teachers the morning after his all night escapade....

Wow!  Not even sure what other words can describe the current situation with nick.  My husband came out of our room this morning about 6:15 to find nick with both our laptops, paper shredded around the room, and room a mess.  I quickly got into our computers browsing history, knowing he was unable to get onto his own to see what he was doing.  He attempted to get into our Times up Kidz account to change the settings for his own computer, nearly repurchasing the program.  He also got into our I tunes account trying to change the password and log into my I pad.  He was also on numerous games.  The browsing history showed online activity from 4:30am!  I know?! What!!  We believe he may have been up most of the night, if not all night! Unfortunately a symptom of the Fetal alcohol is insomnia, but we refuse to accept that he didn't try to sleep or let us know he couldn't sleep!  I'm telling you this because, needless to say, our morning has been extremely rough.  Lots of meltdowns, fits, and destruction.  ( I know, hard to believe the nick you see does this!) He is exhausted and looks awful, but we will not let him stay home.  He needs to understand that sleep is important and necessary to function.  This will be a natural consequence with later consequences.  Please don't feel sorry for him or take pity on him.  Treat him as though he got the sleep he needed, because that is a real life situation for normal people.  We will take action at home to make sure this doesn't happen at this extreme again, but will always keep you posted.  We do have an appointment with a psychologist next week.

I'm sorry to send him to school like this, but as parents, we must follow through.  Please, keep me posted throughout the day.

Thank you so much and well, good luck.

 How in the world do we deal with this?  I know, God has his reasoning, timing, and purpose in all we encounter.  We just have to learn to step aside and let Him take the lead no matter how much we (I) want to control it.  I believe God doesn't think I'm stepping aside enough, because He is spoken directly to my heart to move again! What?! are you kidding me?  "Lord, I can hardly handle this situation I am in now...you want us to what?!"  "I am working...trust Me."  I ask the same...how is He working and what is this new adventure.

How is God working?

We recently visited a Psychologist for Nick, because we honestly didn't know where to turn.  His self-esteem has sunken into thoughts of "I'm a failure, mom," "I will never do anything right."  His anxiety is so high at times that I have to remind him, Nick, it's okay, We are here and nothing is going to happen. He will begin crying, because he is afraid the baby is going to fall or will get hurt.  He is beginning to obsess about things that he shouldn't obsess about and then tail spins when something doesn't go how he sees it in his head.  He has begun throwing things and punching walls when his anger sets in.  What is happening to my child, Lord?  After meeting with this psychologist, who is a believer, our hearts seem to settle, because we felt we were finally on the right track, but now we have an additional journey with Nick.  He will begin with therapy, social skills groups, and we were referred to a psychiatrist (which we can't get into until January....God's timing).  She also wants a brain scan/CT done because his language is so abnormally high compared to his other cognitive scores.  Ok...on the right track, lets do this.  Until then...Lord, please grab hold of our family as we muster through his anguish with him.  My heart aches for him, but my mind goes crazy during his spells.  I love this child beyond my control, but this disorder has captured my child and won't let go!  I was so blessed this morning by Nick's carpool.  They did a Bible study on the way to school and she texted me to tell me that Nick was praying for his teachers in the car.  Thank you....you truly don't know how moments like that are desperately needed in our home these days and we need to hear them more than usual about Nick.  My child is in there...we just need to help him emerge out of this shell he is trapped in.

I know...what's this new adventure...well, I shouldn't be saying anything, because it won't be revealed to family until Thanksgiving, but I don't plan on posting this to Facebook, so I doubt they will read this. Here is how we started...e-mails to our consultant and social worker, first.

In the midst of the doctors appointments and changes in our life, God has decided to press into our hearts to start the process to adopt again.  We have been praying for at least 4 months, now, about God's timing and believe that our time is here to start the paperwork rolling to bring our next little one home.  I, personally, knew this was going to happen sooner than January, because my heart started aching for something I couldn't define.  After going to the Lord about this ache and this "missing piece," He showed me the pieces missing were his children longing to be in our home.  I talk to Jon about this and felt that this ache and longing wasn't going to go away on it's own and that God was going to fill it with his love and with our children.  I told him, "Jon, God is not done, yet, and He wants us to move now."  As you know, Jon has been very hesitant, because, I am staying home now and he is consumed in his job (which God called him out on, just last night).  After praying together, discussing, and listening to each other and the Lord, we decided it was time to take a leap of faith and watch God move.

 The scary thing, we have no idea how the funds will be there, but again, God says, "move over, I'm in control here.  Wait and trust me. "  We were told to make the first steps of contact and now we are waiting on the Lord for his provision.  He has to provide, because we are unable to do this on our own.  We know this is His voice, not ours, because who in their right mind starts an endeavor like this under the circumstances we are in?  Paperwork sits next me, filled out and ready to send to our consultant, but the check is empty, waiting for God to fill it in so we can fulfill his desires for our family.  

"Lord, this is in your hands.  I release it, fully and completely into your hands.  You know the exact amount needed to begin this process and You know exactly where it's coming from.  You have our children picked and ready for your kingdom and our family.  We wait for you, Father.  My heart continues to ache as the Father aches for his children to come home.  They are waiting for us as we are waiting on you, Lord.  We are ready to bring them home, but only in your timing and under your hands."

Lock down drills continue at the Stewart house

So sometimes I have to find humor in this disorder that Nick has because I just can't be frustrated about it all the time.  Children with FASD tend to obsess over things, events, or people at times.  Some of the most common obsessions are with objects, such as batteries, flashlights, paper, and locks.  All of which Nick has an obsession with.  These kiddos can also obsess about events that occurred to them as well.  I have to share the most recent one, just to give you a peek into what this looks like for us (and may be helpful for others to understand Nick).

So, I went to pick up Nick today at school and ran into the special education coordinator and one of the teachers at school (Mrs. Dallas).  Mrs. Dallas mentioned that Nick was so good during the Lock Down drill, despite the 5th graders and he came up afterwards and said that he would shoot the guy if he came and other comments.  "Lock Down Drill?!"  I looked at Mrs. Barbee, the special education coordinator and said, "You know what this means?  We will be reliving this for the next four to five days!"  She said, "I was wondering that."

Well, we got in the car to leave and I started to hesitate about asking about his day, knowing exactly what our conversation was going to be about..forget the History test he took today, because today was a lock down drill!!  I truly doubt Nick paid attention much after that drill, either.... Nick proceeded to tell me every single detail of this drill...let me remind you that this child can't remember what he learned in any of his classes, let alone most of his teachers' names... He described where they were in the building, what the room looked like, and what people were doing during the drill.  He then went on to describe everything the "intruder" did to try and get in....wait, not only did he describe it, he had to demonstrate it on my back seat of my car!  He told me that Mr. Horton was the intruder and was yelling to let him in the room, but we weren't allowed to let him in because he could hurt them if he was really an intruder!

After his description and reenactment of today's drill was done at least 5 times, and also done with different scenarios, voices, weapons, and so on, he then began the "what if" portion of his obsession.  Oh dear...this is the portion that nearly throws me into a tailspin, but I prepared myself for this, so I kept calm... Let me give you a sampling of his "what if " questions.  Remember this is only a sampling and went on for the 35 minute drive to his gym!
"What if the intruder climbed through the window, instead?"
"What if the intruder shot through the door or the glass in the door?"
"What if he decided to set the building on fire, how would we get out?"
"What if knows where we are hiding?  Would he just stay there all day?"
"What if I just have a gun with me and I just barge out and shoot him so everyone can get away?"
And this went on and on and on....and will continue to go on through the weekend....

We then come to the portion, where he comes up with things that should have been different.  Let me warn you, Mr. Horton, Nick might hunt you down tomorrow, to tell you what his concerns are and what he thinks should be done differently to keep everyone safer!  He told me, "mom, I need to have a conversation with Mr. Horton tomorrow."  "Why?" I ask.  "Well, there is this gap under the door and the intruder can get a gun under there and start shooting.  They really need to fix that."  My response?  "Well, Nick, good luck with that, but I"m sure that the police would have everything all figured out and those teachers are going to do everything in their power to protect you."  Nick's response,"Well, what if (ahhh, what if again!?) the teacher can't protect us?"

Do you get my point?  Sounds like fun, doesn't it?  So, if my hair seems a little frayed and I don't seem to be listening, perhaps it's because I'm still trying to filter what I should listen to and what I should ignore, because I"m going to be hearing a lot about lock down drills!  Also, if you are interested in knowing what a lock down drill is and what is should look like, I will have Nick give you a call.

Grace

"Amazing Grace how sweet the sound..." "Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me..."

From the moment I woke up, this song played through my head.  Love this song.  God must have truly wanted me to remember his grace for me today, because He kept speaking this into my heart.  This morning was not unusual for our family, except that I had to get Nick moving a little quicker for an orthodontics appointment in Dallas this morning.  Our morning...our Monday morning, was rough.  Nick didn't seem to cooperate with anything I asked of him and we were running late!  "Nick, for the one hundredth time, please put on your clothes or we will be late!"  "Nick, why are you not dressed? Nick, where are your clothes? Nick....Nick....Nick.... (must I continue to get my point across?).  I was stressed and we were finally headed out the door with my patience spent and my frustration level high. Where are the keys?  You have got to be kidding me.  It took us another 10 minutes to locate the keys after calling Jon, who had them yesterday, and getting him on board the frustration train to finally get us in the car and on our way....LATE!  "Please...no talking to mom...I need to refocus, calm down, and find the peace I need to get us to Dallas."  Whew!!  Another exciting morning in the Stewart household!

So...no grace in that is there?  Just wait!  We get to the hospital...nearly running..and Nick says, "mom, I love you."  Grace (after yelling at him all morning.)  In the orthodontist's office, Nick talking to the hygienists, "That's my brother.  He's so cute, right?  We are going to a pumpkin patch, soon.  You should go too.  My brother loves them.  This will be his second time to go.  The animals make him happy."  Grace.  As we are walking out of the building, "Mom, you are the best mom, ever!"  Grace.  As we are getting into the car, "Mom, I'm ready for us to have another baby...a girl this time!"  Me: "Oh really?  We have actually been praying a lot about that Nick and believe God will bring the path to our feet very soon.  What would you name her?"  Nick says, "Grace.  Don't you just love that name, mom?"  All right, Lord..I hear you loud and clear!  Your Grace is enough for me today!

Later, as I get home and get Elijah settled into his nap, I get an unexpected, yet very welcomed call from my dad.  He read my last blog entry about Nick, and said, "Your such a great momma to those boys!  Your mom would have been proud!" Grace. We talked more about what was happening in our lives and the word Grace kept popping into my mind.  I told my dad that we were praying about starting the adoption process again, because God was strongly urging us to bring another orphan into our home and he said, "Don't you have enough going on? "  me: "of course, but God never called us to be comfortable, He called us to follow him and trust Him, and we have to do that, plus my heart longs for these children."  My dad: "Well, you must bring home a little girl!"  I then went on to explain how Jon was nervous about it, because finances are extremely tight with me staying home now, but was able to remind myself and him that somehow, God has been faithful and provided everything we needed because we continue to walk in faith with Him.  We cannot see what God is doing on paper, because God works above that.  Stop looking at the accounts and what is not in them and start looking at what God has done and will do!  My talks with my dad seem to be encouraging on both sides of the conversation or least I hope they are.  I love that my dad will listen to my rambling and love me just the same. I share my heart with him and he begins to see into the heart of God for my family. His love for our children has grown so much and I am so grateful for that!  Another example of God pouring his grace onto our relationship.

 Regardless of our wavering faith, God's grace is poured out on us every single day!  I see it everyday in my life with my children.  I hope you can too!  Again, God never said following His will be easy or comfortable, He only said, He would be with us and would always provide what we needed!  I stand firm in this knowing God's call is so much bigger than I could have ever imagined as a young girl and I am so excited to be part of God's plan!!

This being said, please begin to pray with us as God's hand begins to move and draw our feet to his path of adoption again!  It seems a little more scarier, but a lot more exciting to me!  Now, Jon may not see that, but I love the adventures God has this family on!  We will let you know when the calls are made to step out in faith to start the process over again, because we will definitely need support and God's GRACE to get us through this next one!

Under God's Grace,
Tiffany