This is perhaps one of the hardest posts I have ever written, but it comes out of extreme faith and obedience to God. I'm cringing on the inside as I begin to type, knowing that my whole heart is about to be exposed...more exposed than I have ever let it be outside of my own thoughts. My stomach is churning, my heart is racing, and I'm near shaking with nerves and anguish, but I know that with complete obedience, comes complete redemption and grace from God, my Father.
As we began this adoption journey, nearly a year ago, God told me that this was a journey of trust, provision, and His glory, not just adding to our family. I sort of thought I knew what that meant, but not until recently did this come to the surface for our family, specifically to me. As many of you know, I have dealt with medical issues from the very beginning of our marriage. Deep down I knew that these were signs of something deeper...something spiritual, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it. I struggled for 10 years of endometriosis and the pain and side effects of it. I struggled with debilitating migraines. I was attacked with random ailments, such as a stenosis in my ureter affecting my kidney, a hernia, and more recently the diagnosis of a gluten allergy. With every diagnosis, I remember going to Jon and asking why, then crying out to God with the same question and frustration of why this could continually happen to someone who followed God and put others before herself. I began doubting God's ability to heal me and wondered if this was what was meant for me. I began opening the doors to the spirit of doubt into my life. I left the door cracked open at the first diagnosis and the enemy began to open it a little more adding to my ailments...all while I was unaware. In addition, with each new diagnosis, my heart was growing dark. I didn't know it was growing, because I felt and thought that I was trusting God completely with my health and thought he was going to heal me....eventually. I even told people, "maybe God just has adoption for our family and He was closing the door with these illness." or I would say, "it could be worse, I'm just going to pray through it." When in reality, I was angry, mad, frustrated, and becoming increasingly bitter and jealous. That little crack into my heart and spirit was beginning to go from the tiny crack to being wide open to these horrible spirits that were wrecking my life, not only spiritually, but physically! I was in bondage and I didn't even know it!!
So what did this look like? This is the part that breaks my heart, but it is how the enemy destroyed me! The spirit of jealousy stepped in the moment my younger sister got pregnant with her first child and we had just recently had a failed fertility treatment. I remember sobbing and crying and wondering why. I was sad, but my anger and frustration turned into jealousy and bitterness toward her, although I did not outwardly show this, it was burning inside my heart and seeping quickly into my health. This horrible jealousy and bitterness controlled me and re-surfaced every time a friend got pregnant. I would hide my feelings and thoughts so deeply and outwardly be so excited for them and want the best for them, which I did and was excited, but Satan was twisting my heart, internally. With every pregnancy, it got worse, and I got unfortunately, better at hiding my internal feelings of bitterness, sadness, frustration, and jealousy. I learned to avoid situations that would bring these feelings forward or hide away. I would speak words of resentment toward them, but not at them, yet still hurtful, because my heart had turned. All the while, I was "happy" for them. Through these nine years, my heart grew heavy, so heavy that my health became unbearable! I lost 10 pounds in 9 months!
Before I move forward, I need to ask for forgiveness for those friends and family members that I so dearly love, yet my heart was ugly during their most amazing time. I let the enemy into my heart and I don't feel I was able to celebrate with you like I should have and for that I am so deeply sorry and hope that you can forgive me. You know who you are, especially, if you received this update through e-mail. You and your children are jewels and I'm so grateful to be their aunts and to be your friends!
As this adoption began, I felt there was something deeper to this journey. God kept reminding me, it's not about the adoption, it's about the journey to your heart and the hearts of others, which is meant to bring glory to me, your Father. I continued to trust God daily and through each "no" from a birth mom, but my heart was still struggling. God yanked me one day as I went in to see my OB for just a regular appointment. I went in with horrible abdominal pain and was so worried about the outcome of this appointment. As she examined me and asked questions, she noticed that my uterus was shifted and possible attached to my ovary. I was so overwhelmed with sadness, that my eyes began tearing up. She scheduled me for a sonogram to see if we had cysts and what was going on. I walked out of that office discouraged about the thought of more surgeries. This was on a Friday. On Sunday morning, I don't even remember the sermon, but God pressed into my heart to step forward for prayer. I walked from the back of the church to the front, tears welling up and fell apart into this very sweet lady's arms. I wanted freedom and healing. I needed a miracle. I was done. She prayed that God would bring to my heart and mind anything preventing healing and then declared healing over my body. That next month, God brought to the surface all of the bondage and the links it had over my life! I worked through it daily with the Lord and confessing it to Jon. My heart began changing. I felt lighter and happier for the first time in nine years. My contentment was overwhelming, because He was filling my heart with so much peace and joy that it was overflowing. Kept pressing into God whenever the enemy would try and attack and he fought for me. The bondage was gone!! On October 11th, Jon and I returned to the doctor, anxious, to have the sonogram. I told her what my history was and what the doctor was expecting to find. She wrote it down and then began the sonogram. I took a deep breath and just prayed, "God, thank you for your healing. I trust in you no matter what." She was taking her measurements and then asked, where did she say the uterus was tilted and attached? I told her again, and she said, "hmmm, this looks unremarkable to me. Let me show you. Normal. and here...normal...and here...normal..." I then asked, "no cysts?" "No...this is a perfect sonogram." I then proceeded to say, " I have never heard that, not in the last 10 years. I have always had a cyst or abnormality." "Well, this is not abnormal. Everything looks perfect." We walked out of that office, a bit baffled, but in complete shock and gratitude for healing!! I waited to hear from the doctor for confirmation and sure enough same thing.
All this to say, my spiritual bondage had impacted my health so dramatically that the release and freedom from the bondage allowed healing to break through in my body. God does heal! He is healing and He healed me, mind, heart, and body!
God has been so faithful to me and I am declaring that I am healed by God's grace and by His hand. This is my testimony, that I have walked through and out of bondage into the healing graces and power of my Lord Jesus Christ. I hope that this will give you a hope that God listens, loves, and is healing today.
