A verse that has been prayed over Nick, since he moved in with us. A verse that he has memorized and has imprinted upon his heart, yet this fear seems to be fighting back! Nick has recently started seeing a psychiatrist as his emotions, heart, self-esteem, and anxieties have changed in the last couple of years. As a mom, I knew we would be experiencing this with Nick, only because it is part of the symptoms of FASD, but never imagined it to the degree it is. As we sat at the doctor's office and were talking about how things were going, I felt things were getting so much better. Nick didn't seem to be on a constant roller coaster of emotions. He said, he enjoyed his school work more, because he could focus and that he continued to like gymnastics. I then asked the doctor about an incident that occurred at his gym, where Nick froze in fear over a skill that he is able to do. This comment led to about 20 minutes of Nick's heart falling out all over the place. I was in complete shock and felt so terrible as a mom at this moment in time.
As we started probing Nick a little bit we realized that Nick is really, really struggling with self-worth/self-esteem, anxiety, and just plain internal anguish. His words in our appointment, "I'm just never as good as everyone else in the gym. Everyone thinks I'm a weirdo and stupid, because I struggle with my back handspring and can't remember what I'm suppose to do. They look at me like I'm stupid and different. The girls all hate me and think I'm dumb and make fun of me. They won't ever listen to me and then they call me names. They will talk to everyone else, but not me, because I'm weird. Everyone hates me at the gym. I just can't do anything right." This was all said in different chunks as we were beginning to get him to open up. He just kept repeating, "Everyone hates me because I'm weird." I was completely floored by this and as he started talking more and more, tears started welling up in his eyes. I felt horrible as a mom. This is just what is going on in Nick's head that he is just plain unable to verbalize, until today! We are so incredibly grateful with Nick's gym and coach, who have been so understanding and willing to listen to us as parents and help Nick become successful. God has placed Nick in this gym and we are truly blessed. Regardless of the anxiety, Nick loves his gym and his coach, per recent conversation with Nick. We believe God has aligned the gym in Nicks life for this specific reason.
As we started attempting to walk Nick through these feelings of unworth, he could not seem to see himself as I see him. "Fearfully and wonderfully made!" All the way home, well first to Chick-fil-a, I was fighting the tears as I kept thinking, how can did I not see this. My inadequacy overwhelmed me, but God gently reminded me to love Nick as He loves me. Unconditionally. Take more quiet time with Nick and open up about life with him. So we did...at Chick-fil-A.
It's so hard to imagine a child struggling so deeply and so often, but it is happening within Nick. My heart breaks thinking about the internal anguish he lives with on a daily basis. He seems to hide it well, doesn't he? But, watching my "tough" kid cry because his heart, mind, and spirit were falling apart and no one even knew crushed all that I am. I write this knowing that we have so many who read this and this is a cry of a mom's heart to pray for my child's heart, mind, and spirit. God has him in his hands, but his little spirit is internally battling the evil spirits of anxiety, fear, self worth, depression, and anger. Please take a few moments to pray over Nick, because I know I cannot do this on my own.
Someone once said, "it takes a village to raise our children." Please be our village for Nick...
