I am your "Super" in your "Supermom"

I live in God's never failing grace every single day that I wake up.  Although, as soon as the alarm on my phone goes off, I am immediately ready to sink back under the blankets, turn off the baby monitor with one of my four blessings crying to get out of their bed,  and pretend that it's still the middle of the night.  That grace, that strength, that patience, that endurance, that kindness, that peace, that "perfect super" mom is nowhere to be found.  I just can't do it today, as I sat there sobbing.... 

This has been a massive burden on this incredibly blessed mom of four's mind, heart, and spirit lately.  Once the mom and woman that everyone looked up to because of her strength, her extreme patience, her continuous energy, her generosity, and her kindness.  She was now the mom that couldn't do it anymore. I felt as though I was sinking into a state of overwhelming sadness and depression.  I would just sit on my couch, blanket covering my freezing body, in unrelenting tears of sadness...not even knowing why I was crying, but thinking I just want to walk out my front door, but my feet felt like lead.  Then I would start sobbing into my hands..."What is wrong with me?" "I am a mess!" "I'm a terrible mom!" "I am not meant to stay home!" "Why did God give me a child with special needs, and three little ones?" This was terrifying and overwhelming all at the same time! I couldn't figure out how I was suppose to take care of four children's needs, home school, run a home business, prepare for my language arts class and speech therapy, and then God calls us to co lead a group! I JUST CAN'T DO IT! Jesus?!!! I. CAN'T. DO. THIS.!! This went on for over a week.... but for every single month for the past 3 months.  

This may seem very trivial and ridiculous to some of you with all of the worlds problems at our feet, but my world seemed to be caving in around me.  In the days that followed my mom's passing, I felt this deep state of sadness and overwhelming feeling of not being able to move on ever again.  All of this rushed back into my mind and took over my whole being all over again! I was scared to drive my car, worrying that anxiety would attack and I would be lost again! I dug desperately into God's Word, feeling empty still! My heart was captive! It was being held hostage to lies and I couldn't free them! I kept it all a secret, with only my husband and children watching me shriveling away. 

I finally broke down to one of my dear friends, explaining all of what was going on and not holding back any of the details.  I had to be transparent. I had to release these lies and get help! I need someone else to intercede!! As I talked, she listened and then she said something that immediately drew me out of this feeling of something is horribly wrong with me.. "Tiffany... I walked through this. I know exactly how you feel." She went on to describe everything I was feeling and then continued with feelings that I hadn't even said yet. I immediately thought, "What's wrong with us?" "Nothing!!" "Nearly every mom of little ones, especially moms in our circumstances..this many little ones and special needs children..go through this. It's so hard, but you will get through this season, Tiffany. God will get you through this. Lean on him." It's like chains were broken! I sat down on our chair, in a sense of utter relief! I'm not alone! I finally began to feel as though I could live again! 

 AND THEN.....it hit me harder than a brick.. I literally felt as though I had run head first into the bricks of my house! Somewhere deep inside, I was still clinging to those relentless and awful lies.  Those lies paralyzed me, physically! Shooting pain through my body that I have never experienced before! I couldn't sit without extreme pain, lay down without extreme pain.  My head and neck throbbed day and night for two weeks straight. I couldn't sleep at night, anymore. I could barely take care of my children I was in so much pain!

 LORD!!! I cried out!!! What is wrong with me!! 

"Be still and know that I am God." 

GRACE... Tiffany... Walk daily in my grace...live each moment in my grace.  I am your strength! I am your "Super" in your "supermom" title.  You have to allow me to be, though, by humbling yourself before me!  You cannot do it all, because I can! If you could do it all, would you rely on and trust me daily?  You will not get everything on "your" to do list done each day, but if you listen to me and walk humbly with me each day, you will get everything done on "my" to do list! 

So for all those moms out there who feel like your the worst mom ever... stop listening to those lies and walk in the grace God has given you! Let God be your "Super!" Let's focus on God's To do List, not our own because God's To Do list is way more important that ours! Be encouraged that God is with you and you are not walking this journey alone!