....Until you walk a week in our shoes.

The months and years before Nick became an official Stewart in our family, I remember thinking, "All he needs is structure, a better diet, and consistency." As he started Kindergarten for the 2nd time, I would hear, "He really is 'active." He can't seem to sit still. Nick can't keep his hands to himself." This list goes on. I refused to consider medication for Nick, knowing the possible side effects of these medications and truly wanted to believe that a change in environment would improve all of this. He is not what you say. He is not ADHD! Well, after we adopted Nick and he had been with us for over year, these "symptoms" did not go away. At the start of 2nd grade, in a small private school, Nick came to me after school one day and said, "mom, I can't do this. I can't focus like the other kids. They can listen to the teacher. I can't." My heart sank. We called the pediatrician and did what I had dreaded for the past 3 years. We gave Nick medicine for ADHD. He began to focus at school and his confidence improved. Wow, we can do this!
Little did we know that children with ADHD are not "fixed" just with medication. This diagnosis has become a whole new ballgame! As a speech therapist and one who researches everything and will go any distance to help her children I though I knew what we were up against. I read, children with ADHD need consistency with some flexibility. Children with ADHD need gross motor activities. Children with ADHD need low sugar diets. Children with ADHD need lots of patience. Children with ADHD need structure and limited stimulation. I remember telling myself, "I can do this. We can do this. I thrive on structure." This seem fairly easy and manageable, but boy was I wrong!

What did they not tell me? They did NOT tell that Children with ADHD will have to have revolving discipline/consequences (the same consequence will not always work. We have to change reinforcement and consequences on a weekly basis). They did NOT tell me that when their medicine is coming out of their system, they are miserable to be around. They did NOT tell me that they will do anything in their power to control you and everything around them, no matter the consequence. They did NOT tell me that you have to constantly follow them to make sure they do not hurt themself when unattended. The list could go on!

My plea to those who see parents in a store dealing with a child who "looks out of control and ADHD" that you do not judge until you have walked a week in their shoes. Let me take you through a day with our child with ADHD or perhaps a snip it of little windows of our life with ADHD.

Each morning, Nick is woken up at 6:30a to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush his teeth, put items in backpack and go to school. This is the routine every morning, no suprises. This is what we would love to happen, but does it?
"Nick it's time to get up?" He rolls over, "no!" "Nick, you need to get into the shower, so you have time for breakfast this morning. I know I would be awfully hungry, if I didn't get breakfast." Nick: "I don't care!!" Parent: "Well, that's your choice. Good luck with that." About ten minutes later and Nick is still in bed. Parent: "Nick you have to get out of bed, right now! It's not an option!" ..as we are now pulling him out of the bed and guiding him into the bathroom. "Nick flush the toilet, please!" ....Nick finally makes it into the shower and sits there until the bathroom is foggy and we again have to drag him out to get dressed. Parent: "Nick you need to get your clothes on." Nick is singing, running around, and doing everything but getting dressed. Parent: "Guess what, you now ony have time for yogurt and cheerios instead of a warm breakfast." Nick: "no! I have time. You just watch. I will have a warm breakfast!!" as he is attempting to get dressed. He walks away and then gets distracted by something and starts to play in his room. Parent: "Are you going to go school in your underwear or your clothes, today?" Nick: "no!" Parent: "Well, I hope not." He finally gets dressed and runs to get what he thinks is going to be a hot breakfast and instead finds his cheerios and yogurt waiting for him. And start meltdown. Nick: "I want a sausage biscuit! I'm not eating this! Give it to me now!!" Parent: "Nick this is all you have time for and if you don't sit down and eat now, then you will not eat anything." Nick: "then I'm not eating!" Parent: "that's fine!" Nick: "Fine, I will eat!" While eating, he manages to get yogurt all over the table and on his shirt. He continues to sing and jumps around all over the place. Parent: "Nick go brush your teeth!" Nick still prancing and playing around. Most days Nick barely makes it to school with his hair combed, teeth brushed, and shoes tied. Those are just battles we are not willing to fight at this point. We are relieved to get him out the door in one piece. It is one thing to say that this might happen one day a week, but it doesn't! This is every day! It is exhausting!! This is only the mornings for us! So, as his medicine kicks in, he starts to listen, and be the sweet child we know he truly is, but he is off to school to share that side of him with everyone else!!

It's 3 'o' clock...time to pick up Nick from school. This is normally a happy time for parents to have their precious children return home to them after a long day a school. Most come home with 30 minutes of homework, that they will sit down to do with little guidance and will get to go out and play. Not with a child with ADHD. Most of these children have struggled all day long, even with medicine in their system, to stay focused and hold it together. These are the kids that come home with homework and the parents have to fight with them to get it done. Let me put it into real life for you. Nick is at a small private school, so that he is pushed to learn beyond his limts, but this school has been amazing to recognize his learning disability and help him where he needs to be helped. Regardless, he still comes home with homework...probably more than most kids, because he is working so hard at trying to sit still that he can't focus on getting class work done too. Well, when he is home to do homework (Nick does some homework in the car on days that he is in gymnastics ...monday, wednesday, friday) our routine is as follows: Parent: "Nick, it's time to get your folders out and get this homework completed." Nick: "I need a snack." Parent: "that's fine, then sit down and start your homework. Let's start with this first." Nick: "wait, I have to go to the bathroom." Parent: "That's fine, anything else?" Nick: "no." Homework has commenced as I'm sitting there, baby in lap to guide him through it. Most days his medicine is still in his system to finish his homework...thank goodness. About 6pm or 7pm, the medicine is out, and all hope is lost for homework. It then becomes a battle of wills to even get something written on the page. This not only wears me out, but him out as well, but an ADHD child worn out, doesn't mean tired, it means wild and out of control, and mean. DONE! We are done! Again...gratefully, we have a school that now understands this, allows him time with a tutor at school to work on homework during the day. The evening begins...medicine out of system. Dinner time...fairly normal, but with excessive talking and food not quite staying on his plate....if you have been to my house at dinner....you have seen this in action! Dinner as ended, time for bedtime routine...again..the same every night since 2nd grade! Head to the bathroom to take care of business....yes, we have to schedule this for our child, otherwise, he would not take time to do it....I'm serious! After 20minutes of sitting and playing, we have to drag him out of the bathroom. Time to put jammies on....yet another battle...brush teeth....we brush for him, because, he may not have had time in the morning to brush. ...and bedtime (book, prayer, and to sleep.) Some nights, this is war too! Won't go into detail, but imagine a 3 year old bedtime battle...that's what we can deal with! We are now fully exhausted and ready for bed ourselves...no time to talk are relax before bed. We have had to stay on our child from the time he got home from school until he went to bed!

These were just our routine events that happen on a school day...it doesn't include times in the store, down time at home, or other family activities. We are constantly on edge to make sure he is not getting into something unsafe, such as pulling batteries out of things and putting them in others, playing with tools in the garage, or tearing apart the sunroom/playroom, that he hasn't wandered across the store because he finds something he has to touch or play with or wanders to another aisle because the aisle he is in is now too boring to stay, thus begins the search for him! Recently, he has developed a defiance that is unnerving and magnifies all of the above ventures.

Why, write and share this? This is not for sympathy or a pat on the back. This is truly for a better understanding of parents of children with ADHD. When you see one of these children walk into school, clothes inside out, hair a mess, and breakfast down their shirt, don't judge the parent. When this child walks into your classroom and their homework is incomplete, don't judge the parent. When you see this child running/wandering through Target and the parent yelling for them to stay with them, don't judge the parent. When you see this child openly defy or ignore their parent's instruction, don't judge this parent. Parents of children with ADHD are usually giving all that they have to survive the day and raise their child as best that they know how. Perhaps a word of encouragement instead of a glance of disgust would be nice. So, until you have walked a week in the shoes of a parent with a child with ADHD, don't judge them.

So blessed!

After Bath time

Nick and Eli

Eli's Dedication

Wow, our little guy is a little over 2 months old. Words cannot even describe the joy and love I have for this little one! Elijah is so incredibly precious and amazing! I am so honored to be able to have Eli as my son. Each night, as I am rocking Eli before bed, I praise God for this beautiful child, while gazing into his loving little eyes. My heart leaps everytime, yet I am completely humbled by this opportunity to raise him!

I think our whole family shares this joy that I have for Eli. I often catch Nick gazing at Eli with a sparkle in his eye, as if he, too, is still in awe of the amazing blessing God has given us. Nick refuses to move his booster seat, in the car, away from Eli's car seat. He may not be playing with him in the car, but he will just watch Eli sleep as we drive. Any opportunity Nick has, usually during homework or when he is suppose to be doing something, he will go and make faces, noises, and play with his little brother.

As for Jon.... "He's just so precious." That is what Jon says, every morning and every evening when he gets home from work. I am not kidding!

Our family is so in love with this child that God has so graciously given us and we are forever grateful that God has opened our hearts to his many children!

So what is Eli up to? Well, Eli is smiling, cooing, discovering his hands, and moving all over the place! He is such a happy and joyful baby! We rarely hear him cry, unless he is hungry or tired! He loves laying out on the floor and looking at the toys hanging from his playmat. He has recently working on increasing his tummy time. Was not a huge fan in the beginning, but he is slowing beginning to enjoy that time too (as long as mom is laying on the floor in front him). Eli is sleeping pretty good too! He wakes up only one time at night to eat! I think that's pretty good for a 2 and 1/2 month old! Honestly, I might miss my middle of the night date with my little one, once he does sleep through the night, completely! Talk about growing like a weed! Eli has grown out of a ton of clothes! He is wearing some 3-6 month old clothes, now! I do believe he is going to be tall. He has a long body and now his little legs are catching up and they are lengthening quite a bit! He is so beautiful!!!

Thank you so much for following our family as we brought our precious miracle home! Our prayer now is that God will continue to grow our family through adoption in the future. Keep a look out for our next journey! We hope to start this amazing journey for our third little angel this next summer! God has so many children waiting for homes and our hearts and home are willing and ready. "Father, your will is our will. Please continue to prepare our family, our hearts, and our finances for the family You are preparing us for. "

Oh....his adoption finalization is set for December 16th!

Bringing home Elijah!

These last few weeks have been .... well, I'm not even sure what words to use to describe the last few weeks! Where do I even begin? I will give you the quick version, b/c there is so much that has happened since my last entry. After our call on the 25th, things flew into a very quick whirlwind! On that following Monday afternoon (around 4 or 5 pm), our Guardian Angel case worker called me and asked, "so, how soon do you think you can get here?" I was a little baffled by the question until she informed me that our birthmom, was going into labor! There was no question in our minds what our decision was going to be...Let's go tonight! In less than 3 hours we were packed and heading to the airport to fly to Utah!

As we begin to check into the airport, Jodi, our case worker, calls and says, "Congratulations! You have a healthy baby boy. He is 7 pounds 3 ounces, 19 inches long!" We couldn't get there fast enough. With built anticipation we boarded our plan for our 3 hour flight, landed in Utah about Midnight and met Jodi to help guide us to our hotel. We had to wait until the morning to meet our new bundle of joy!

T, the birthmom, asked us to be at the hospital by 8am to meet her and our baby boy! We got there and were anxious, nervous, excited, and ready to meet both of them. As we walk into the room and laid eyes on our new son, my heart melted and immediately fell deeply in love with our precious little Elijah! At the same time my heart went out to T, the birthmom, and the most sacrificing decision she has made! We had the chance to sit down and talk to her and get to know her a little bit.

T is an absolutely beautiful woman. She is so sweet, kind, loving, and self sacrificing for her children. Although, her circumstances were unstable and her life crazy back home, she knew beyond a shadow of doubt that her little boy needed more stability and need our family. As we continued to talk with her, she told the story of how she chose our family for Elijah. She had received about 5 profiles on Wednesday, June 22nd, to review and to choose from. This stack did not include our profile. She felt that none of these families were the right family for her little boy, so she asked the agency for a few more. They obliged and found three additional families to show her. This is where we came in. I was called on Friday morning, June 24th, and was asked if we would like our profile shown to her, the only thing...mom is due on Thursday, June 30th. Well, after talking to Jon, we decided, why not! We have nothing to lose. We didn't think much about it after that because Jon's cousin was getting married the next day! God is so good, and He knew that this was our precious little guy!! We continued to talk to T and really began to like her so much.

The next few days were spent going back and forth from the hospital, waiting to spend time with Elijah, yet being careful not to hurt or step on T's feelings as this was such a hard decision for her. We continued to hold our breath until papers were signed on june 27th at 7:30pm. The following day, we waited for what seemed like hours for our son to be discharged from the hospital. We were finally able to bring our baby "home" well our hotel room. It was so surreal that we still were in this cloud of thinking that this is all a dream. That evening we had dinner with our birthmom and the caseworkers for the final good byes.

For the next few days we began our wait for the ICPC paperwork to get approved in Utah and then Texas in order for us to cross state lines with our new bundle of joy. I must say, those few days were the longest days ever! Trying to get a sleep routine in a hotel is not easy, but we were so excited about our son that it didn't seem to phase us. We had our son, Elijah James Stewart!

Well, that Friday, July 1st, we got our call from Jodi, saying our paperwork had been approved and we were free to go home. We booked our flight for Sunday, and got ready to bring Elijah home! Elijah was great on the plane trip home, sleeping the entire time!

As we arrived at the airport we were greeted by Jon's parents, sister, Kristi, and brother in law, Peter. "Welcome Home, Elijah James Stewart!"

In the midst of the craziness, God's hand was right in the middle of the whole adoption! We were able to pay for the whole adoption with grants, and money we had saved, minus the mom's medical expenses that we managed to put on a credit card. We were able to use gift cards for the hotel that we received from Jon's reward points from our bank cards. We actually thought they were going to pay for half of the cost, but as Jon went to pay for the room with our 2 $200 cards, the man swiped one and it pulled up with $400 on it. We ended up paying $90 for our hotel room! Really?! God, You are so good! It was little things like this that truly encouraged us that God was right in the middle of this whole journey! We still pray that God will provide the finances to pay for the remainder of the medical expenses! God is bigger and He has proven his faithfulness so far!!

I will continue to post about our journey with Elijah at home, but for now, the little man is getting restless...time to eat!!

Journey to bring our boy home!

Well, most of you know that we were matched late last night! God is so good!! I'm sure some of you want to know how it all happened, so here is God's hand moving in one full swoop!

This past week, we were really struggling with a couple of different birthmom situations and were shown to a birthmom on Monday after deciding, painfully, not to be shown to another. In the meantime, we noticed on one of the websites of a situation that became available, but were unable to call on it, since we were being shown to another birthmom. We found out on Tuesday that the birthmom did not choose us, so proceeded to look for the other situation we saw. It was gone. We assumed that it wasn't our baby and moved on. Well, late Friday afternoon, June 24th, a case worker from A Guardian Angel Adoptions called and asked if we would want to be shown to a birthmom that night! I called Jon, telling him the details and then mentioning the most shocking part, "and by the way, she is going to be induced in a week!" Hmmm....what do we do? We felt that we had nothing to lose, since we would be 1 of 6 families shown to this mom, Taneka. We released it into God's hands and went ahead with our plans for Lane's wedding!!

We had a fabulous time at Lane and Andrew's wedding on Saturday evening and headed back home about 10:30pm or so. I decided to check my phone to see if anyone had called and sure enough I had a voicemail. The caseworker that presented our profile to Taneka called and said, "I will be up late this evening, please give me a call when you get this." Well, I hated to call at 11pm at night, so I sent her a text message saying, "Sorry this is so late. This is Tiffany Stewart. Just getting home from cousin's wedding. Can call tomorrow?" Her response, "If you call me tonight I'll tell you some really good news ;)" We all know what I did, immediately! I called her! She said, Taneka has chosen you guys for her baby boy! We were so excited, words cannot express the emotions that filled the car up! Nick was super excited and immediately named our little boy! Nick says, "it's a boy! We are going to call him, Elijah! We can call him Eli!" Well, okay then! We looked up the name, Elijah, and it's meaning is, "Lord is my God." Perfect! Elijah, it will be. When we got off the phone with the caseworker, of course we called as many as we could at midnight and text others. We had the cousins screaming with excitement, Mimi and Aunt Kristi in near tears with joy, and my little brother dumbfounded at what just happened. Needless to say, Jon and I could not sleep last night due to excitement and a little anxiety about the fast approaching due date. We had so much to do in so little time.

I think we finally fell asleep about 2:30am. I popped out of bed at 8am by the sound of my phone going nuts with texts and facebook congrats! I immediately started the task of lists of what to do and questions to ask. Called me dear friend, Mandy, for advice and comfort in this crazy time. Jon got up and we started the grueling process of booking flights, hotels, and other things. It has taken us all day to get things situated, but it has been done! We weren't sure where some of the financing was going to come from for some of this, so we gave it over to the Lord, asking, "Lord we know this is your timing and we know you will provide." Sure enough...He is faithful! Jon's dad gifted us with airline miles to fly us into Utah! Our bank cards had enough points saved up to help pay over half of our hotel costs, and USAA pulled through on the car rental. Okay....what about the baby...he has nothing to wear, drink from, or come home safely in! Jon's best friend, Matt Resers' mom...pulled through on behalf of our God! They called saying, "we want to take you, today, to get a car seat for your baby." So off to Babies R Us we went! Wow, what a blessing! So grateful and overwhelmed by the love of our friends!! While we were there we got the essentials for Elijah while we are in Utah, some onsies, a few bottles, some pacifiers, blankets, etc. As we were walking around the store, Jon's mom called, "Jon, my Bible study group would like to get your pack N play for you! Pick it out while you are there and we will get it while you are gone!" Really!? So blessed!

Now, our sweet little Nicholas...what to do. We planned on having him stay with his Mimi and Pop, but knew they were under a lot of stress and really busy with their moving. My sister and husband were planning on coming through Dallas on Thursday and Friday on their way to our annual 4th of July at our dad's (which we will miss this year) and offered to take Nick with them so he could spend time up there! Great! Nick was pumped! Then my dad calls and says, "Let Nick stay here the rest of the time you are gone." Nick flew through the roof! The idea of spending time with his Uncle Brett and Papa made his day!! My dad is going to bring Nick back home when we get home and then get to see his new grandbaby! God is so good!

Okay, during all of this Jon was a little stressed, well, a lot stressed, because we are still a bit short some of our funds. We have had some wonderful friends add funds. $200 here and $500 there and our precious family to help and we are so blessed by them and their support for us. Every little bit helps in these emergency situations and we are so grateful for family and friends that are stepping in to fill in our financial gaps. We know we are still in need of funding for the medical bills, but we are trusting in God's provision and know He will provide!

Please pray for Jon, Nick, Elijah, and Taneka during this extremely exciting, stressful, and emotional time for a family.

Here are some specific ways you can pray:

Please pray for:

*Safety in Travel to Utah
*The birth of our little boy
*For Taneka's heart and willingness to give her child life
*All paperwork to go smoothly and without a glitch
*For our ICPC to go to and from Texas easily and quicky so we can return home with Elijah
*Preparing Nicholas for the time apart from him
*Continued provision of finances for our adoption
*Peace, wisdom, guidance, and patience for Jon and I as we encounter new and stressful situations

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support! We are so extremely blessed and did I mention, God is so good!

We will keep you posted as we continue to bring our little boy home!

Wow! It's been a year!

Wow! It's been a year since this journey began! We can't believe it either! Many ups and downs have happened throughout this past year, but a lot of new wisdom and lessons taught. You truly don't realize the process and toll that adopting can take on you until you have been through it. At least that is how we feel now....and we aren't on the other side, yet!

Well, with a year anniversary comes a lot more paperwork and things to do.....AGAIN! The state of Texas (and just about any state now) requires you to keep your homestudy, background checks, and all other clearances updated once a year. This means....our local caseworker, Amy, will be paying another home visit to our family to complete another homestudy...this will be our 3rd one, including the one we had done for Nicholas's adoption. I guess we just need to set a yearly date with Amy, since we will continue to expand our family through adoption periodically.. So....we meet with Amy on Tuesday evening to talk about what has happened in the last year, if we continue to feel the same about adoption, if any health issues have popped up, and every other detail of our lives. In addition, we have an appointment Monday afternoon to have our fingerprints done for our Texas criminal background checks and clearances. We also will fill out forms for the child abuse/neglect clearances for the state so they can run those. Don't forget we have to be fingerprinted for the FBI, too. For this one we get to pay a visit to the local police station and get fingerprinted! Sounds like fun doesn't it? One day, we will be able to do all of this in one step.....we can only hope. Let me remind you...we have already done all this twice before..... On a positive note...at least I am off for the summer so I can take of this stuff rather quickly.

So, those are the facts! Now what about the feelings about all this? Well, how would you feel going through this for your children on a yearly basis? It really puts things into perspective for families that have a family through adoption. Bringing our babies home is not a 9 month waiting period of excitement! It has it's many ups and downs...and...it last twice as long.....as long as 18 months for some. I continue to pray that people's hearts continue to soften for adoption for the many children waiting to come home to their forever families. I pray for the couples that easily conceive their children will be able to see God's heart for the families that adopt their children and can offer support, love, and understanding into their longing to bring their children home.

Okay, okay....Jon and I have been very frustrated the last couple of weeks, just knowing that we have to do all of this again, without our baby! We have to remind ourselves, daily, to give it over to God. Today was a little more difficult for me, though. As I waited on answers, I kept asking God, "Please, Lord...still my restless, controlling heart. This is in your hands, not my own. Your plan is so perfect and I trust You in your timing!" Honestly, that was not easy. I think I repeated that about 50 times in a matter of 2 hours! Each time, I felt God comforting me and telling me, "I have this. Trust me." He sure did. I got all my questions answered and appointments made for our homestudy. One step done!

As far as birthmoms seeing our profile.....it is starting to pick up again for the number of possible children up for adoption. We continue to wait on the Lord for His perfect timing and the perfect child for the Stewart family. I don't normally mention this on here, but we are, possibly, being shown to a birthmom this weekend. As always, our hearts are guarded, but our hope remains in the Lord. Please pray with us for this precious birthmom as she makes a difficult decision for a child and for God's perfect plan for our family. (Perhaps, a little prayer of God's favor over our family, too, as she looks through profiles? ;) ) All we know is that it is out of our hands.....

As I was writing this, Nick began writing a small note of how this whole process has affected him. I ask for his permission to put it in here for you, so that you can see the heart of our child.

"Our adoption is scary. I felt like we were not going to a baby. But my mom and my dad did not get scared. I don't care if the baby is a boy or a girl. I don't care if the baby is African American or white. It is in God's time. I was adopted and it was easy for my mom and to choose me. If they hadn't picked me, I would still be in a foster home. There were hundreds of me's, but they chose me. So I am just hoping that God will let us have a baby and if not soon, then we will keep waiting for our adoption." --- Thanks you, by: Nicholas

Wow! We are so truly blessed by such an amazing child! I am so thankful that he is a part of this journey with us, because I love his child like perspective and thoughts throughout.

Again, we are so blessed for so many family and friends who are truly supporting us in our journey through prayer, emotional support, and with finances. Our God is so amazing!! We are beyond blessed by His goodness each and every day. Let me leave you with what Jon and I say each morning in our prayer time together.

"Lord, our hope is in You, not in what lies in front of us or behind us. We continue to trust You in every aspect of our lives."

Many lessons learned

We sit at about 3-4 weeks shy of a year of the time we began this journey with our initial contacts to start our adoption journey. It's hard to believe it has been that long, yet it almost feels like an eternity. As I have mentioned before, God's timing is everything in all that we have done and are going through. This journey has definately had many emotional up and downs within it and continues to take us on a roller coaster ride. Through this, though, God has done some amazing works not only through Jon, Nick, and I, but to family and friends along this journey with us.
I have to first admit that these last few weeks have been emotionally trying on me, perhaps on Jon, but especially on me. I don't share this with you for pity, but for God's triumph over the pain and how involved He truly is in all of our lives! Our profile has been shown a couple more times to birth moms, each time bringing our hopes to a soaring level, but then back down to the bottom when the call came, "I am so sorry but the birthmom has chosen another family." Our hope was shaken, along with our trust, and faith that this was God's will. "Is there something wrong with us?" Jon would ask. "Absolutely not. That baby is not your baby. Rest in Me. Your baby will arrive in my perfect timing." This word from the Lord didn't come this easily this time. I had to cry, be angry, and seek prayer for this one. Through our consultant and my sweet friend, Mandy, God lifted our hopes and spirits into God's timing. (Whew! we are not alone in how we are feeling!)

As my mind continued to move at a whirlwind speed with our adoption, I started to read a lot more in order to ease my ever moving mind. If you haven't picked up a Francine Rivers book...I would highly recommend it. I just finished the Mark of the Lion series and God spoke directly to my heart through the characters and their faith. It made me realize that God allows many things to happen in our life to draw us closer to Him. (Wait! I already knew that!) It was just said and mentioned over and over again throughout the series and seeing the fruits/blessings of the characters' endurance finally solidified it into my heart! One character, specifically drew my attention, as probably most the readers. Her name is Hadassah. A girl taken from her home after her entire family was killed, and sent to Rome into slavery. One of her first thoughts that caught me was in the form of "Why me, Lord? My faith is not the strongest in my family. Why did you not take me to heaven and leave my brother?" She may have had little faith in the beginning, but God used each circumstance to prove His love and protection over her. When she continued to trust God through the hard times, and I mean worse than we could ever imagine now, God was ALWAYS with her. She stood her ground in her faith, yet humbly and faithfully served others as her Lord would ask of her. Her faith was tranformed thoughout this book. From a wavering faith to a faith strong enough to look death in the eye and proclaim God's love to all! (Lord, this is the heart that I want!) This book captured my mind and my daily thoughts even after reading them. I continued to take scenarios from this series and apply it to my life. Yes, even a book written out of someone else mind, can be used by God to transform the heart.

Pray for those who persecute you. Another lesson learned. I know that adoption is not the calling of many people, but I seem to hold a little chip on my shoulder for those who openly did not support it. Well, God is breaking that chip away. He let me encounter this just recently. I realized...or I should say, God helped me realize that our adoption was truly not the heart of some people we know. Comments were made in conversation that crushed me. They made me feel unworthy, angry, sad, and worthless all at the same time. I began to lash out, but God quickly reprimanded me before I could. "Wait, what are you doing? Stop what you are about to say and leave it with me." I quickly walked away and let God run scripture through my head, that believe it or not, was scriptures that I remembered from the book I was reading. God brought me to His feet, struggling with peace, but wrapping my mind in His words. As the scriptures ran through my head I struggled to pray for those who had slandered us with unkind words. I remember saying, "Lord, please bring peace to me. Break the tension that has just unfolded before us." That's when a special person walked in and I knew God sent her for my peace for the remainder of the evening. Her faith and support was what kept my mind at peace, even though I didn't talk much after this situation, I knew God's peace had followed her into this home. Yes, I still struggle with what happened, but I know God is preparing us. I know that He will always be with us throughout this process and as He continues to bring His precious children into our home! Hearts will be changed, but it won't be by my power, but through God's power and Words.

As I sit here and share this with people I may have never known, or those of you that I know from other seasons in my life, or those of you who are in the current season of my life, God reminds me that seasons do change. With each new season, He brings different people into our lives to encourage us or for us to encourage them. Do you realize that those in your life may only be a part of your life for a season, like a passing wind? What is your impact on their lives going to be. Will God be able to leave a lasting impression on their lives through you? I know that God has brought people into my life through my current job, for a short season of 9 months, but that was all God needed to encourage me and to encourage them that God is in all things! Through this nine months, I was able to support, encourage, and pray for a precious lady that had the world against from the beginning of the school year. Now, God has proven faithful and has begun opening doors for her, taking her away, but leading her into His will. She crossed my path, though, and God made me realize how important relationships are, even at work! He also brought another sweet and amazing woman into my path, not at the beginning of the year, but let's just say, in absolute perfect timing. She and I were able to pray fervently for each other and support each other through some very emotional issues in our lives. She then went through a season of pouring that began pulling her in all sorts of directions. I felt God saying, "Encourage, pray, and love on her." Although she is not completely out of this season, yet, I know God is moving in her life and I know God is going to bless her faithfulness in Him. (How do I know this? God is good and He has only mentioned it everytime I see her!) I will dearly miss these two precious women, but know God has entwined our hearts that we will continue to follow God's path for our lives and will one day see each other again, knowing that we crossed paths in God's amazing will!

Let's wrap it up! I pray that this encourages you in whatever journey God has you and your family on. Remember He is bigger than any mountain placed in front of you. Blessings to each of you as you have read this.

Lifesong support letter

Dear Family and Friends,

As many of you know, we believe that God has called us to adopt a child into our family from the United States. Our family has been along this journey for just about eight months. We believe that our child will be coming home in the next three to five months. Currently, our family profile is being shown to birth moms at several different agencies and we are waiting for our perfect match. Our family is thrilled that our baby will be home soon and we continue to pray for him/her on a daily basis.

God’s calling to adopt has always been on our hearts, but His revealing of why and where it came from has been a journey that He has slowly shown as we trusted Him completely and followed Him into this amazing journey to bring one of His children into our home! Our journey first began with our son, Nicholas, whom we adopted in May of 2008 after Tiffany’s mother passed away. Through Nicholas, we experienced first hand the blessings of adoption. We felt then that adoption was very much on the heart of Our Heavenly Father. In February 2010, God used a speaker at our church to remind us of His heart for adoption and to pursue our hearts for His calling on our family. At this time, Jon and I began to pray for God’s will over our family, thus starting our adoption journey four months later. Through this process, God has continued to confirm this calling to adopt through His Word and through family and friends.

It was not hard for us to step into God’s call to bring more children into our home through adoption. The challenge has been finding the finances to bring our baby home. We estimate that our total cost for adoption fees, document preparation, home study, airfare, travel, attorney fees, etc. to be $30,500, which is money that we don’t have right now. We do know that God is faithful and will provide as we continue to trust and follow Him along this journey. We have been so blessed to have raised $12,000 so far for our adoption and also we have $5000 from our own funds. Our family is truly humbled by the thought of having to ask for additional financial support, but also believe that God calls each of us to make our needs known to our brothers and sisters in Christ. We have been so grateful for our family and friends’ support and would like to ask you to pray and consider helping us in our adoption. There are two ways that you can help:

1. Prayer – Please pray for our precious baby. Pray that he/she would have a safe and healthy pregnancy. Pray for the birth mother that God would give her peace and comfort as she prepares her heart to give up her child for adoption.

2. Financial Support - Please prayerfully consider making a tax-deductible donation to help us pay the remaining $13,500 to bring our baby home.


Lifesong (www.lifesongfororphans.org) has set up a fund raising effort on behalf of our adoption. If you would like help in giving a child a “forever” home, please send your gift by April 26th.

Please make checks payable to: “Lifesong for Orphans” and write this information in the memo line (Preference: Jonathan and Tiffany Stewart / #1840 Adoption). *Note. In following IRS guidelines, your donation is to the named non profit organization. This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the donor’s suggested use.

Please mail checks to:
Lifesong for Orphans
PO Box 40 / 202 N. Ford St.
Gridley, IL 61744

Thank you so much for partnering with us through your prayer and financial support. By investing in the life of this child, you are sowing directly into kingdom of God.


To Him be the glory,

Come before Me

A whisper in my mind and in my heart saying, "Come before Me." The vision seen: Upon my knees and head down on the floor in worship to my Father. This whisper and vision has been tugging at my heart for 3 weeks! "I hear you, Lord, but when do I have time to stop everything in my life to lay on the floor? I can't seem to catch up on any aspect of my life right now, how can I do this too? " His plea never subsided, never ceased, but only grew stronger within my heart. "Father, give me time and I will come before You." That's exactly what He did! I asked and He gave.... Now not all requests are ever that easy, especially within my life, but I knew for God to open this time to come before Him, His words were extremely important and urgent for me to hear, right now! Let me rewind back a few weeks, before I share God's words for me. Jon and I are still anxiously awaiting our match with our precious little one. We have had a our profile shown to another birthmom, which was not God's will, but we still remain in His timing. Our grant through Lifesong has not been moving as we had hoped it would move, although, we were extremely blessed by a few people that have currently donated. My hopes...possibly Jon's...started to spiral down to where my heart ached and my anxieties increased for what God was doing with our family. In addition, we have had behavior problems with our son, that have drained the energy from us. Not sure if this "his age" or something completely else. We have also been seeing my doctor that was able to remove my endometriosis this past fall about what our options are. This decision has truly torn my heart into pieces. Do I want to go back down that road again? According to the doctor, "this is your time. Your endometriosis is gone for the time being." But, God has called us to adopt. Why would I even want to consider any type of fertility treatment at this point? Would I be going against God's will if we pursued the smallest form of fertility, while we were in the process of adopting? What would people think of us for trying fertility while trying to adopt at the same time? I was exhausted and overwhelmed with all of these thoughts, emotions, decisions that were running through my mind and heart. Gratefully, through all of this God deepened a relationship with a person at the school I work at. Someone whose heart aligned with mine in some strange way. Her heart is connected to the Father and thus He connected her with me as tool to use for Him. We have been able to pray for each other and share our thoughts and concerns with each, knowing that we will be diligently praying for God's wisdom and guidance in each other's lives. Through her, God has opened my eyes and my mind to what He truly wants me to do..... From God, through her, " Maybe He is waiting for you to give it 100% to him before blessing you with a baby." Wow, this struck me hard. Had I not been giving all of this "stuff" to Him already? The following morning, God reminded me, "Let go! Rest in me. Seek Me. When you begin to think or worry about these things, give them over to me, each time." "each time" That means I must continue to hand these things to the Lord. Not just once, but every day! When they trickle into my mind to try and control, give them to Him! Easier said than done, right? With this, I started handing these things over daily and told Jon God's words from this. We have started each morning, praying together, releasing these situations in our lives into the Father's hands. We continue to wait on His blessings as we do as He asked of us. This brings me to the beginning...as I was driving home from my half day of work, today, God sent "Come before Me," once again. Then I heard, "There is nothing in your way, come before me." So I came home, turned on worship music and went before our Lord, face to the ground in worship to my Loving Father. Immediately, He brought an amazing vision to me: A woman with a handful of wild flowers, wildly out of control, but blooming so beautifully in color. She hand me a bunch of them as I was worshipping God. She then turned and gave some to another woman and continued to do this with others. Lord, what did this mean? Our lives are like wild flowers. Before the blooms, they appear as weeds, needing to be cut down, but wait.....give them time...wait for their perfect time and they will bloom into a radiant beautiful flower and overcome the weed it once was thought to be. Your life may seem so tangled and like a field of weeds, but wait on Him and you will bloom through His outpouring of blessings showering over you to turn your life into beauty. Wow...I quickly wrote this down and went back to His feet, knowing that He wasn't finished. On my knees, head on the ground, and hands over my head, "Lord, please come and dwell in this place..." "You have to surrender, everyday. It's not just a one time occurence. Human nature wants you to control every aspect of your life. You need to come to me, daily, and surrender control to Me. I am here to receive everyday, but you have to be willing to give/surrender to Me, everyday. Are you ready to surrender, today? Then open your hands and hand them to me." Confirmation....I felt like He was telling me ....do you get the picture, yet? How many times must I remind you? Loud and clear! God is so patient with us and knows exactly what we need and when we need it or need to hear it. I believe that God is in control of my life, no matter how out of control it may seem to me. He has each detail in the palm of His hand and I will rest, now, knowing that He is in control. Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that You would continue to wait on me. Thank you for my sweet friend at school that has encouraged me and given me someone to talk to that "gets me." Thank you for opening my heart to your words and for letting the Holy Spirit continue to nudge me on a daily basis to bring to your feet. I am so blessed.

Rest

Inconsistant - Me; Constant - God; Wavering - Me; Steadfast - God; Broken - Me; Mender - God; Scared - Me; Comforter - God. I realize it has been almost a month since I have sat down and updated our blog and I apologize to those of you who have been checking on a weekly basis for updates. Let me just start by saying that my heart is torn and guarded. Our lives never seem to slow down and I know that God is working diligently to pave our path toward Him, but sometimes my heart longs for rest.... "rest in my presence" He says.... I so desperately want to, but how do I rest? We have not had any leads for possible matches since the twins, which brought my hope to a sudden halt. "Father, what is going on? Isn't this your will for us? Have we not been patient? Have we not been faithful through the numerous trials You brought us through? I need a break, Lord!" I cry from a longing heart of a mother! God continues to mold my faith, as you can see. I am not going to sugar coat it....It's tough! Trusting Him is so hard in the face of trials, but I have to cling to the promise that He is holding my hand and my heart through all of this He has set before me. As we continue to watch the websites for possible situations, one of them posted a message: "Unfortunately we are coming up on a slower time of the year and do not have as many situations to match." Devastation set in, along with a sense of panic for our finances waiting to be utilized for our baby. I quickly e-mailed our precious case worker and asked, "Is this normal? There are slow times for adoption?" As always, she was quick to respond and ease my worries with explanations, kind and supportive words, and prayers for our family. Still a little sad about the prospect of having to wait longer, I settle into the idea of moving forward and trusting God in His timing. In the meantime, we began the exciting process of turning our guest bedroom into a nursery. Nick, Jon, and I painted the room a soft green color (called Cucumber Melon). It turned out wonderful...soft and subtle! We also took a couple of hours to put our baby's crib together. Our baby has a bed! We haven't added any other furniture or decorations, besides a small rabbit (given to our little one by his aunt Kristi and Uncle Peter from Finland) and a grey elephant that sit upon the top of the crib awaiting their precious little one. Jon and I will gradually add a dresser and the rocker/glider to the room as God provides the means and the furniture. My wonderful Aunt Gladys is on standby, now with paint sample in hand, to make our baby's bedding. We are so blessed that our family has offered their time and talents to help provide for our special baby! Thank you!! We will continue to trust God's provision for the room and continue to pray over our little one's room, until then. On days when my hope seems low and almost gone, God always seems to give me peace, "Keep your hope in me....not in the process," He spoke to me today. "I have my plan and it's perfect for your family. Don't rush it or slow it down. Let me hold it for you. Trust me. Cast your cares, your fears, your anxieties on Me. Let me take them, while you rest in my presence." Rest! There it is again! Rest.... one of the definitions being /peace of mind or spirit/. "Father, you are my peace...my rest....when my heart is confused, sad, and anxious. I find my peace/rest in You. Thank you for filling my heart and mind with your peace." For those of you who still would like to give to our adoption fund, we are still hoping for funds through the Lifesong for Orphans fundraising program. We are still $15K short of our goal to bring our little one home. Please let me know if you would like to donate through Lifesong for the tax credit and I will get the information to you. We are so blessed by our family and friends that have helped so far. Please help bring our little one home!

Answers in a day!

On Tuesday morning, as I was spending some much needed time with the Lord, He spoke to me and said, "Your answers are here." That was it! I continued to ask what that meant, but His plain and simple reply, "Your answers are here." Not quite sure what to think of this, but decided to rest in His peace, knowing that God would reveal this to me.

Well, He sure did! That afternoon, I got a phone call from Life Song for Orphans, the non-profit organization that we applied to (7 weeks ago) to try and get another matching grant. We were not offered the matching, but instead the opportunity to utilize their fundraising "kit." "Kit?" That's exactly what Jon and I thought! It is pretty simple, actually. They are supporting our adoption through prayer and also providing a way for our friends and family to donate through them for our adoption and receiving a tax deducation. We just finished this letter and are working sending them out this week! We realize that not everyone can give, but we could truly use prayer from as many friends and family as possible! Okay....we will walk this path of fundraising! God will provide! Also, after looking at the estimated amount still needed to cover our adoption (approx. $13K), we decided to begin an application for an adoption loan, through the ABBA Fund. Not our first choice, but we would like to be prepared.

Later that afternoon, I was checking my e-mail and had just received an e-mail from our consultant asking about the twin and if we had heard anything. Well, right in the middle of responding to her e-mail, the caseworker from A Guardian Angel called me. She said, "Rebecca has made her decision, today, and she has decided to go with another family. But...I have some situations coming up that you will probably be interested in, so keep your eye on our website." Well, honestly, not the answer I wanted, but I definately had an overwhelming peace about it! Our baby is still waiting for us! Nick, on the other hand, was quite upset about this...sobbing and angry all at the same time. We have decided to prayerfully considered each situation, before we tell Nicholas, since this impacted him so much.

Jon and I also had some other personal questions answered that same day, as well! God is truly in control of all. Letting go of control is one of the hardest things that we can do as His children, but until we do, God can't use us efficiently and pour His blessings into our lives like He desires to do so. We have to learn to align our desires with His desires!

We continue to wait on additional situations of available little ones and for God to bring the remainder of our financing for our adoption. Please continue to pray for God's provision and for our little waiting, who is growing and waiting to be with us!

Rebecca.....

So, I received a call from the birthmom's caseworker. At first my heart began to beat so incredibly fast, wondering, did the mom make a decision? The answer....not yet! I was a little sad, but relieved that she was still carefully considering her precious children's future family. This tells me of how careful, meticulous, and thoughtful she is. I found joy in the message I received from the caseworker, today, though. Why? Well, today I found out the name of this precious woman that we have been pouring our love and prayers over for the past week!

Rebecca. This special woman's name is Rebecca. I am beyond thrilled that I now have a name that I can specifically pray for. No longer are we praying for "the birthmom" but for Rebecca! Regardless of the outcome of her decision, I will be forever attached to her, because of this journey and love that God has given me to pour over her in prayer!

Please, continue to join with us as we pray for Rebecca and this huge decision that she is making for her children! Pray for peace, comfort, and wisdom for her, but most of all, pray for her heart! Our desire is for her heart to be the Lord's!

"Father, You are a God of love, a God of peace, and a God of comfort. Please overcome Rebecca with these during this time and through the remainder of the process. I also ask for you to reach out to her heart, Lord and draw her into your loving arms as your daughter."

Family in Waiting...

God is a good God. He is a God of promises. He is a God of love. God is faithful to us. He is a God who provides. God wants us to trust Him completely, so that He can be glorified and pour out His blessings on us. This sounds so easy, doesn't it? Well, why is it so hard for most of us?

This is the question and thoughts that God has been trying to impress on my heart since we started this whole adoption journey. Although this past week, He is really trying to drive home His point! God promised Jon and I a family full of children and blessings, but we would have to trust Him. This was said from the beginning of our trials. We feel we are getting ready to experience these blessings, but are truly being tested this week. I think God is trying to find out, "Let me make sure I have ALL of you....both of you! Not just Jon. Not just Tiffany. All of both of you. I love you both so much. I love your marriage and what you are letting it represent! I have provided and have healed. I have gotten you, both, through some rough spots as a couple, but now I want each of you...ALL of you! Jon, I want your anxieties about your job and about your finances! Tiffany, I want your anxieties about this adoption and the finances for it! I also want your worries about Nicholas, his schoolwork, and his medication. My dear children, you have carried these burdens long enough. Will you let Me carry them for you?"

God has brought, both, Jon and I to our knees each this week. Revealing and encouraging us as we let go of the ties that we hold so tightly. God is showing us that we don't have to do this alone and that He is completely in control, whether we think He is or not. He is filling us with wisdom and understanding into different situations that we have become to stress over. Specifically, God is showing Jon where he belongs in his career right now. He learning to rest in His hands and trust the Lord for His investments each day. The more Jon trusts, the more God has blessed him this week. As for me, my heart aches for these little ones that the birthmom has our profile for. I was told that she was reviewing many profiles and taking a little bit longer. My first reaction was pure disappointment, but God is opening my heart and mind to what His purpose of this prolongation if for. "Tiffany, this is out of your control! Pour your love and blessings over this mom that is delicately and carefully choosing a life for her two little ones." So, that is what I have done! I have come before the Lord, daily, and prayed over this precious birth mom. Through this, God has attached my heart to hers and I long for her to have peace and comfort as she makes this decision. I would be thrilled if she chose our family for her little ones, but more importantly, I want her to come to know our Father! I would be lying to say that I wouldn't be disappointed if we were not chosen, but my heart belongs to my Father, and He knows what is best for these little ones and for our family. God, you are in control!

Please, continue to lift up this precious mom and her little ones she is carrying. Pray for God to touch her and draw her heart to His!

Life Song for Orphans

OCA Mission Moments from Lifesong for Orphans on Vimeo.

They sat in the studio with an expectant glow as they spoke about their children they had yet to meet, but who they claimed as their very own... 

Josh: "As unbelievers, we are aliens.  We are strangers.  We are separated from God.  But God has come in and adopted us, through Christ, to be in His family."

Jenn: "And we're just so thrilled that our family can be a picture of that to the world!  And just like we would never question our true son-ship to God the Father, it's been an encouragement to us to think about, we really don't have to question whether these kids are our true children... cause they are!"

When Josh and Jenn Philpot felt God's nudging toward adoption they weren't sure where they would get the money.  They received a matching grant through the Orphan Care Alliance (OCA), turning the $6,000 they had raised into $10,000, and making it possible for them to bring home not just one child but two!

OCA is a multi-church alliance in the Louisville/Southern Indiana area.  Adoption funding is just one part of their ministry.  Their many outreaches include recruiting and training foster parents, mentoring local foster children, assistance for local churches in launching orphan ministries, international orphan care, and more!  They are also a part of Lifesong's Outside the Walls Network, which connects churches to serve orphans more powerfully together than they could on their own. 

 

 

A prayer for Mom

I haven't updated this in quite awhile. I am so sorry about that. We have had quite a bit going on in the Stewart household lately. Let me brief you on that, first, and then I can fill you in on God's heart for us....

As you know, Nick had surgery in December (bone graft). Well, we put Nick on his ADHD meds when school started and he started not sleeping and eating at all. He has not had this reaction to his medication ever, even when he went back on them after being off them all summer long. I grew concerned after he made himself sick from lack of sleep and eating, so I contacted his doctor (who by the way...is so wonderful!). He saw us at 6:30 in the evening and sat and deliberated over his file, looking specifically at his weight and height. Noticing that his growth had started to slow down again, since medication started in the fall and his weight decreased, he decided to take Nick off his ADHD meds for two weeks. My first thought..."those poor teachers!" At home, we know how to handle his impulsivity, defiance, and hyperactivity, but home environment is much different than a school environment. After a few days at school without meds and the teachers documenting Nick's behavior, eating habits, and schoolwork, their frustration levels were getting high. They were patient through it all and completely understanding of why we had to do this. I believe those 4 days of snow/ice days were lifesavers, not only for Nick but for his teachers. We finally went back to see his doctor, providing him with all of the documentation and school work samples they gave us while he was not medication. The doctor looked through them, then turned and looked straight at Nick. "Nick, this is unacceptable behavior and work from you. Your medication is not an excuse to not follow direction and do your best in school." I love a doctor that can tell my child that he will not use this as an excuse not to obey or to succeed, because that is what we reiterate to him at home. He went ahead and decided to put Nick back on the same medication he was on, but in a smaller dose. We are continuing to do weekly phone call follow ups with the doctor and will check his weight next week.

So, while dealing with this with Nick, Jon's grandmother began to get very sick. She was in the hospital for about two weeks and went to be with the Lord on Tuesday, February 15th. She was such a precious woman and we adored her so much! Nick was the light of her day when he went to visit her. We had her celebration of life yesterday afternoon with the family and this service blessed my heart so much! It truly reminded of what a wonderful family God has brought me into through marrying my husband! Their love for each other is so amazing and God's heart shows through each and everyone of the family members. This love was brought from the Father, into Grandma's life and then down through this entire family! What an awesome legacy this precious woman of God had! To be able to raise our children within the love of this family makes my heart so happy and joyful.

Now on to our adoption journey progress.....

We continue to wait on Lifesong's decision for approval of a grant that could potentially bring the remainder of our funding. I believe we will get a response soon, but I am still faithful in believing that God will provide 100% for our precious child/ren. Gift of Adoption Grants has continued to follow our updates and are waiting for our match. They have not given up on us and keep moving our approval/review forward in order to give us the opportunity to have them be a part of our journey. God is moving within this journey, although not seen by all or even us, He is working the details out for us and will continue to rely on His perfect plan for our family!

Just recently we found out our profile is being reviewed by a birth mom with an adoption agency in Utah. I cannot help but be overwhelming excited about this possibility, but I'm trying very hard to guard my heart as well. Yesterday morning, the morning of Jon's grandma's funeral, God pulled me close and reminded me to pray fervently for this precious birth mom. I spent all morning pouring out prayers and love for this precious mom and asking God to bless or overwhelm her with his peace and love as she read through our profile. Not neccessarily to choose our family, but that his love and peace for her would flow through our profile into her heart and mind, giving her wisdom and peace in the decision she is about to make for her precious babies, whether it is our family or another family. Since that time, I have thought about her a lot and putting myself in her very shoes as she makes a life changing decision for her children. Wow, how incredibly hard this would be for me to choose a family I don't know to raise these babies that I have carried for nearly 9 months! What a sacrifice! God placed it on my heart to share this information with Jon's family after we gathered for Grandma's funeral. Their response....pure excitement!! They were all so excited about the prospect of these babies and what an amazing blessing this would be after the tragedies that have struck this precious family. I was quickly reminded to to share with them God's heart for this precious birth mom. I asked them to pray specifically for this woman and for her heart. I am so humbled by this whole journey of adoption that we are on and the ability to involve our family in this journey and to remind them of the "whole" picture...including these amazing women who are making one of the most selfless and sacrificing decisions they will ever make! We all need to be reminded that this adoption is not just about the adoptive family, but about these wonderful moms that carry these little ones to full term and graciously give them to us to raise in His kingdom!

I ask that as you finish reading this blog that you will take a minute to pray for this wonderful birth mom and for those women who have selflessly chosen to give their babies life! Pray for peace, love, comfort, wisdom, and for God's pursuit of their hearts!

The Heart of the Father!!

I am completely humbled by the work God is doing through our adoption journey! Since we started in June of 2010, God has opened the heart of friends and family to answer God's call to adopt through his Words He has spoken through this blog. I'm so thankful that God has opened our hearts and has brought families to this blog to share His heart with them, too. He is the one that spoke this blog into form! God is so good! The journey to get here is not easy, but God never said it would be easy, He only reminds us that He will be with us every step of the way. I know my Heavenly Father is with us and is in complete control of our lives and our family no matter how out of control and crazy it may get. He was with us through the many surgeries to "heal" my body of the infertility and the medical problems that seem to appear through the season of trials. He was with us when my precious mom went in and out of the hospitals. He was with us when she went to be with the Lord. He was with us and prepared our hearts for Nicholas. He was and still is with us while we raise the amazing child He has blessed us with through adoption. He is with us as we struggle financially. He is with us through this entire adoption journey and will provide in spite of what we see in the physical state in front of us! "The Lord will fulfull his purpose for me: your love, O Lord, endures forever; do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:8 God is good, I promise. He is the One Person you can always rely on. Some days, He may not appear to be listening, but He is! "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." Psalm 145: 8 "The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. They eyes of all (you and me) look to (Him), and He gives us our food (provision) at the proper time!" Psalm 145:14&15. You see, He truly is a Good God...How do I know?

God is my Savior, my Lord, and He lives within me. He has given me strength and everything I have ever needed! He is my peace in the midst of the storm. He is my protector when danger arises. My God is Good and He so loves you and wants to be in your heart and life too! He wants to be a part of your journey, so that He can lead you, guide you, and give you the strength and peace that He has given us. Not only does He promise this peace, strength, and love, but He promises everlasting life. A life with Him when He calls us to leave our life here on earth. A life with Him eternally in Heaven, without fears, worries, pain or suffering.

Everyone has been where you are, frustrated, scared, fearful, feelings of abandonment, mad, angry..the list goes on... But that does not matter to Him. He is calling you to Him, right now!

"Since we've compiled this long and sorry record as sinners and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ. God sacrificed Jesus on the altar of the world to clear that world of sin. Having faith in him sets us in the clear(free). God decided on this course of action in full view of the public to set the world in the clear (free) with himself through the sacrific of Jesus, finally taking care of the sins he had so patiently endured. " Romans 3: 23-25 (the Message)

Accepting Christ as your personal Savior is your way to Him. He is in my heart and in my life and I declare that He is my Savior and I'm truly blessed to be called a daughter of the Most High. I know that someone is reading this right now and God is pulling at your heart. He has been tugging for awhile and you haven't been quite sure what or who it was and what to do about it. God has specifically spoken this Word of Life to You! I wouldn't be writing this right now, if He wasn't seeking your heart, right now! This is His heart, through me, to YOU!

Well, here is what you can do...

Open your heart to God, right now! Say these words to Him, "Father, I know that I have sinned and I know that my heart has not followed yours, but I come to You now asking for forgiveness of my sins and my selfishness. I believe that Your Son, Jesus, died on the cross and took these sins from my life and from my heart. When He was nailed to the cross, You nailed my sins to that cross, too. I leave them behind and choose to have You in my heart, to lead me and to guide me on your path for me. Please, Father, I open my heart and my life to You. Come into my heart Jesus and help me to walk with You! Lord, I am completely Yours and completely trust You! "

You have just accepted Christ as your personal Savior! God is so good! If God called you to His heart through this, please let me or someone know. I want to pray with you, encourage you, and help guide you on this new life God has given you! This is the first step to a life with our amazing Father! He will pour out His blessings on you as you continue to seek Him daily... In His Word!

Our family dearly loves you and hope that you continue to reach out to Him! May God continue to bless you through our journey He has us on! Thank you for your love and your support through this exciting, yet scary time in our lives!!

The heart of Nick.

Father, my heart is sad, yet so thankful for your faithfulness and your honesty through this adoption journey You have us on. You have placed on my heart that our baby will be here soon, as in this spring, early summer and I'm so thrilled and overwhelmed at the same time. This is not why have come before the Lord, today, though.
God is providing and will continue to provide financially for our baby, but He continues to work through the spiritual and emotional aspects of bringing our child home. Like I have mentioned before, Adoption is a calling the Lord specifically spoke into our hearts and I know that God calls all parents that adopt into this journey for a reason. We are learning that adoption is not "the other option," or "the right thing to do." It's a higher calling....a calling that involves every part of your being, not only of yourself, but of your spouse, your extended family, your friends, and even your current children. This journey affects everyone, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. For our family, this journey has been filled of frustrations, joys, and sadness, but I would not change any part of this amazing journey! Now that I have prepared your hearts for what our families go through, I would like to try and share this through the eyes of a child, my son, Nicholas!

As I have told you many times before, Nick made his debut into our family at 2 1/2 months of age as and undernourished, starving, and facially deformed little angel. My mother, his foster mom, brought him home from the hospital as a "failure to thrive" with the comments from doctors and nurses..."not sure if he will ever recover from this malnourishment." Of course my mom did not see it that way, "this baby will survive if it takes all I have." Nick came home and as we looked into his eyes, we all knew, instantly, that God had an amazing plan for this little one, so God would pull him through this. My mom, a retired NICU nurse, brought this little one back to life. During the first 3 years of his life with our family, Nicholas had numerous therapists in and out of the home, doctors appointments, weekly, visits with his biological family, foster siblings in and out of the home, and 4 surgeries to endure and bounce back from. Did I mention this was before the age of 3? After he turned 3, his biological mother's rights were terminated, and my mother officially adopted this precious child. Nicholas was always a "spunky" little guy and didn't usually take no or you can't for an answer! Amazing to me!! Well, Nick lived with my mom, until he was about 6 years old and then transitioned into Jon and my home because of my mother's health. I think back to the time that Nick was with my mother, just Nick and my mom, and wonder what he, as a 4,5, and 6 year old had to do to help my mom. I am not saying that she wasn't an amazing mom, but she did have physical problems as time went on. In the last couple of years of her precious life, I remember walking into her apartment, while Nick was staying for the weekend, and finding my mom asleep and Nick on his own. This wasn't a "nap" as Nick would call it. I believe in my heart that my mom was suffering TIAs (mini strokes). I would wake my mom up, through shaking, and try to talk to her about it, but she was always in denial, because the doctors could never find it....of course not! "Why, then, is your speech slurred, your arm numb, and your memory gone?" So through this....Nick was exposed! During these years, my mom spent many days in and out of the hospitals due to sickness, surgeries, or the "TIAs." Nick became terrified of hospitals, doctors, ambulances.....a child that normally was seeing a doctor 3 to 4 times a month for his needs. This is all by 6 years of age! At age 7, Nick was starting to thrive and was with Jon and I, 5 days out of the week, and we had him in many activities and a routine. He was thriving, once again. Then it happened!
Nick and I went to check on my mom after a theatre class, only to find that she couldn't answer the door. Nick could hear her crying through the locked door, but we couldn't get in. We called 911, where the fire department arrived with the paramedics to "rescue" my mom. As Nick recalls, "they busted down the front window to get to her. She was lying on the floor by the door and could not get up. Those ambulance men took my grandma away and she will looking at me crying." As they pulled away, Nick was in shock, not sure what to think. We quickly got in the car and followed. Nick sat in the emergency room with me as we conversed with the doctors and then was taken home. Nick saw my mother one time after that in a hospital room, "asleep," and then again after she had passed away. My heart cries at this, everytime I think about it!! Not only did I lose my mom, but Nick did too....Twice!! His biological mom and then his foster mom.

As I wrote this...I started to cry, uncontrollably...not because I lost my mom, but because my baby went through all of that and then had to adjust to life without her, being adopted by us, and then enduring, yet another surgery! My sweet Nicholas has been through the storms of life and he is now only 9 years old. God is forming an amazing man in Nicholas. He has a sensitive heart for so many people. Ask anyone who knows Nicholas.....Please, let this touch your heart and pray for him AND the children that are not yet in their "forever home" that are still enduring this kind of life!

Why the whole story? Well, in the last week, we have received emails from our agencies to be presented to birthmoms as a possible match. With these possibilities, we always brought them to our son and presented it to him as well. He was really excited about each of them, but had reluctantness in his heart about the babies being African American. At first, we told him that God loves every child and that if God wanted an African American child in our family, we will love him or her so much too! Nick's comment, "but I want a baby that looks like me, like our family." Again, we always reassured and moved on. The matches did not happen for us and as I look back at them, I remember feeling a sense of uneasiness about the match, in general. I kept thinking it was because of the finances weren't quite in place. Not so....

So, God brought this all forward to me last night, when I received an e-mail from an agency
about another birthmom, African American, giving birth in March. As I read through, I was super excited about the possibility and couldn't wait to share it with Jon and Nick. At that point, Nick walked into the room, and a feeling of uneasiness hit my heart and stomach. What is going on? I didn't understand how at one moment I would so excited and then it was gone! I re-assured myself that finances would be fine and still couldn't put my finger on it. Well, my wonderful mother-in-law called me to check on Nick and his sleeping habits. I began to tell her about what had just happened and what she thought. First thing she asked, "how is Nicholas feeling about this adoption?" "what are his thoughts about a little one of a different race?" That's when I knew! Nick was not ready for this change. I burst into tears as Jon came home. I was overwhelmed with guilt, sadness, and frustration about this. I quickly talked to my consultant, who will be calling me later today, to try and reassure myself that this was normal and we shouldn't worry about it. As I got off the phone, I still felt that God was trying to tell me something through this...something about my son. I was able to cry my heart out to my dear friend, Mandy, who has adopted a precious little boy from Ethiopia. She spoke God's heart to me for Nicholas. Nicholas was not able to verbalize what he was really feeling to us, but God brought it to me through Mandy. "Nicholas needs to feel a sense of 'belonging,' a sense of 'normal' in a life that has been anything but normal. Perhaps he wants this sibling to resemble your family because he knows this will make his family 'normal.' " Still holding back the choking in the throat and tears in my eyes, it began to make sense.... My child is not prejudice, he wants a family that he can identify with, a sibling that he can identify with, completely. A sibling that he can share adoption stories with. A sibling that will encounter some of the same hurdles that he has and will encounter as an adopted child. In his mind, "what do I have in commone with a child that doesn't look like me, except that we were both adopted?" It still breaks my heart to even think that we will not be able to consider all children that are needing homes right now, but I have to remember that Jon and I are not the only ones adopting our baby...Nicholas is too! I love my son, with all that I am, and I want nothing more to see him happy, secure, and trusting towards us and His Heavenly Father. With all of the insecurities this child has been through, God is showing us that he is not ready for an adoption that would bring more insecurities to his identity he has begun to build in our family.

"Father, my heart still hurts, but I know that You are faithful to bring the perfect child into our family. I ask that you help bring me peace, wisdom, and comfort as I begin to talk to our social workers, agencies, and to our consultant. My heart longs for our baby and I know that your plan is perfect and you are in control of every aspect of this. Lord...I release this guilt of not being able to accept a child of another race into our home. Fill this hole with your love, your peace, and your comfort. Father, please comfort Nicholas and give him peace as his life, again, is about to change. Give him security and peace in You. Remind him of your love and our love for him! Lord, I know that our financing is going to have to be greater and our patience to wait longer, but You are in control and You would not have shared our son's heart with us if it wasn't important. You know the dynamics of our family-to-be and know what Nicholas can endure. Thank you for my precious mother-in-law for opening my mind to these possible questions for our son. I'm so grateful for my precious friend and sister in Christ, Mandy, for letting You speak through her, not only Nicholas's heart, but Your heart for our family. Lord, I pray blessings over each person that reads this post....I ask that any of them that do not know you personally will seek You with all that they have and will ask for prayer. God speaks....open your heart to Him and He will open your heart and speak..."

Awakened by the Lord!

I never know when God is going reach down within me and pull me to His side to speak His heart into mine. Although, I guess none of us do. Let me udpate you with what has been going on in our family. Most of you know that Jon works full commission as a Financial Advisor and I work part time as a speech therapist. Well as many financial jobs are going with this economy, it has been a struggle. There are many days, when fear gets the best of Jon, knowing that he needs to provide for his family. Through it all, he has remained faithful. He still gives out of every paycheck to the Lord, no matter the amount of the paycheck that month. Jon is an amazing leader to our family.
Anyway...I could go on and on about how amazing my husband is, but that isn't the Word God has placed on my heart. Things have been super tight these past couple of weeks for our family. I work as a contract therapist, so while schools are out...I don't get paid! My cohort and I have looked into me getting more hours to supplement, but every time I have done so, God seems to step in and prevent it. I knew deep down that God will provide our every need, but I, too, was beginning to let fear settle in. This slowly began to creep into my thoughts with the adoption. You see, I feel very strongly that our match is just around the corner. This has really brought my thoughts of bringing a newborn into our home to the forefront! Thoughts rolled through my head...."we still don't have any baby furniture or baby items, our funding is not complete, am I ready to stay up hours at a time with a newborn, and still function the next day with a nine year old, how will we make ends meet with me being part time and not able to find more hours...." Fear was setting in...and the enemy was trying to take a foothold.
On a side note, we have been dealing with some medication and sleep issues with our son since he had surgery. He just is not sleeping at night! I have been pulling my hair trying to figure out what is going on, besides the lack of physical activity due to post surgery requirements, and his ADHD medication, I am baffled. Well, this is where the Lord stepped in!

Last night, Nick was put to bed about 8pm...his normal bedtime. Jon and I went to bed early (9:30p), because Jon was not feeling well. Nick was still awake, which is normal for him, because sometimes it takes him time to settle. Well, I quickly fell asleep and slept hard, until about 12:55a I was jolted awake. Not from a dream or noise, but I believe by God! I suddenly had this feeling that something was wrong. Then, I noticed Nick was quietly standing at the door. I waited to see what he would do... He closed the door. I felt this nudge to go check on him. I quickly got out of bed to follow him, thinking that perhaps he is sleepwalking, which he has been known to do. He was in the kitchen, not sure why, but there he was. I hesitated to see if he indeed was sleepwalking, but soon realized that he wasn't. I followed him back to his room, asking him what he was doing. We opened the door and fumes of paint overwhelmed my senses. I was terrified, angry, sad, and scared all at the same time! I look to the floor to find paint pens that he dug through my office supplies/craft supplies to find. He had been using them with a door closed! Thoughts flooded my mind of what could have happened if the Lord had not jolted me awake! I felt so frustrated and ashamed that I didn't know what to do. As I look around the room, I found our kitchen scissors, paperclips that he was using as staples, and a handwritten letter to a sweet friend of his, Amanda. He was in the process of making something for her.....IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! As I look at my extremely tired child, my mind started working again.... all I could think about were the paint fumes, which could have easily intoxicated this small child's body and affecting him forever! I was mortified! I know in my heart the God woke me from sleep to protect my precious baby. I put him back in bed and went to the living room, unable to sleep. I sat down, pulled out my journal, and prayed!
Here's my journal entry:
Now, here I am unable to sleep out of sheer fear that something will happen to my precious baby. Lord, Thank you for waking me! Father, why is he not sleeping. Please, give me wisdom. I am so desparate for him to sleep at night again.
The Lord's reply: "That is a Mother's Heart, my child."
I continued to stay awake. It was probably 1:30a by now...I was fervently praying for my child to sleep, covering him in God's peace and comfort knowing I could not rest until my child did.
It's nearly 2am and my prayers have been answered...I think. Lord, please give me wisdom as to what to do for my sweet boy. Should I reduce his medication, take him off of it, have him run laps after school, which doctors should I talk to? Father, I need wisdom and peace!
I slowly got up to check on him and he was still restless. I spent the next hour..that's right...until 3am...praying over my little boy. I declared sleep and fought the enemy that was keeping him awake! My child belongs to the Most High! He will sleep the rest of the night! He finally drifted to sleep. I sat there a little bit longer, praising God for His safety and worshipping Him!

Looking back on this, I realize what God is trying to show me. Regardless of how ready or not ready we think we are to have more children, God will be there. He is our provider, our protector, our Rock, our Healer, our Comforter...I could go on forever. I have to trust Him in all aspects of this journey. Our baby will be here soon, but so will God...He was always here and will never leave! I now know that despite how things look in front of me, God will provide and I will trust in Him! As our pastor put it...I need to have a "sure heart." Even though I see that things look dismal, I will trust my Father, completely, and with all that I have. Like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendigo..even in the midst of the fire, they were standing in, they remained faithful and trust in God! Our family will continue to stand firm on God's promise, no matter what the circumstance may look like in the physical. God wants us to step into a heart of victory and trust and that is where I plan to be!

Sweet, Little one....God is preparing our family for you, because He has big, big plans for your life! When God feels that our whole family is ready, He will bring you home to us!

Grandma planted the seed....

Today was the day that the guest room officially began preparations to become our precious baby's nursery. Our cousins, Jason and Aynsley, came and picked up the queen bed that was hindering any progress towards turning the room into the baby's room. Thank you so much for helping us out! I'm so excited to start transforming this bedroom, but before I could start thinking that I had to pull some things out from under the bed, so we could move it.....

As I was pulling the few things out, Nick and I came across a small pink and black, floral backpack. The backpack used by mom to grab as she walked out the door, carrying her medications, checkbook, wallet, and other odds and ends. Why is this still sitting there...she went to be with the Lord 3 years ago? Perhaps, it was my way of hanging on very quietly or I couldn't bear to go through it, knowing it was with her when she passed away. Regardless, Nick and I went through it together, filling us with the memory of my precious mom! Little by little, Nick pulled out each of her identification cards, holding on tight to the all the ones with her picture. He then pulled out a card, "Texas Department of Protective and Regulatory Services: Betty Gardiner, Foster Parent Official Identification." He asked, "what's this?" I responded with, "grandma was your foster mom, remember how I told you that God brought you to grandma so she could care for you when your birth mom did not know how? Foster parents are parents that take care of children that need a place to live while their mom and dad work on making their home safe for them." He didn't say much after that...I assume he was processing this, even though he has been told this before. For me...it was a reminder that because my mom gave her heart and the last days of her life as a foster mom, she gave me my first child! Without her determination to become a foster mom, I would not have my precious baby, Nicholas. Without her love of children in the foster care system, Jon would not have seen these precious children that needed homes and may not have considered adoption so quickly and have the burden for orphans like I do.
I continued to set aside these precious items and memories of my mom flooded through my mind. I began to look around the, now empty room, wishing my mom was here to welcome our precious little one into our home and to listen to all of her suggestions for the room. I truly believe in my heart that she would have suggested mint green walls...so that will be where we start! I know that my mom would have been an amazing grandma to our children.
How does this apply to our adoption calling? My mother planted this adoption seed into our hearts by opening her heart to the orphans. I am so incredibly thankful for my mom's impact on our family. So, I finally discover that God started this adoption calling with my mom! Thank you Lord for imparting your calling on my mother, so we could experience your love and sacrifice through my mom!