Baby Girl Stewart has arrived!!

The last few days have been such a roller coaster ride!  Last I left you, we were about to wait out another two days before our daughter would be here.  We managed to keep ourselves busy with some Christmas shopping, but it was definitely hard not to think about Shannon and our daughter.

On December 11th, we had the honor of taking Shannon to her final doctors appointment and to her pre admittance appointment at the hospital.  I was thrilled because I had the best conversations with her and truly got to know her heart.  After this day, we felt like we had known each other forever!!  I knew what made her tick, when she started feeling anxious, and then how to calm her down.  She had become part of our family!!  We all felt really great and a huge peace about placement.  That night we came home feeling great, yet we still had that little butterfly in our stomachs about her signing over.

On December 12th, We woke up at 5:00am to take Shannon to the hospital for her C-section!  She was so nervous, as I would be in that situation and her anxiety was high.  They took her back for preperation, without me, and she was back there forever.  I felt the Lord's prompting to ask about her, because in my heart, I felt something wasn't right and she was upset.  I went up and asked about her, they said she was in her room and a nurse was hugging her!  (this is how connected God has made us..I knew she was upset)  They moved quicker to get us back to her and the nurse that came to get us, told us that she had adopted her little boy and was sharing that with Shannon.  She then told us that she prayed with Shannon too!  This was amazing!  God was showing us His presence in this every step of the way.  We sat with a very nervous Shannon and then prayed over her.  It was such a sweet moment.  It was then time to head down to surgery.  As they prepared her, I got into my scrubs and patiently waited to go in to comfort her through the c-section.  Sitting next to her head, wiping the tears from her eyes and speaking God's peace over her was one of the best moments of this journey.  Then, the doctor said, "Stand up.  Look."  Out came my daughters rear, legs, and her entire beautiful body!  It was amazing!  Incredible!  I wanted so much to go right over to her, but God held my heart and I stayed with Shannon, continuing to comfort her.  They brought baby girl over and I motioned for her to be taken to Shannon's head.  It was beautiful!!  Shannon spoke softley to her and gave her a kiss and then drifted off to sleep.  I then got up and was able to hold her for the first time.  Be still my heart!  I was in love with this 9.8 pound bundle of baby joy!  We followed up to the nursery for the doctor to weigh her, check her blood sugar, etc.  Her blood sugar was low, but eventually rose to the level they wanted.  She was/is perfect.  Jon and I were able to watch the examination by the doctor and nurse, then her bath.  I have to say, the doctors and nurses at this hospital were phenomenal and so understanding!!  We were then notified that Shannon was back in her room, so we left to be with her.  She was groggy, anxious, and ready to see baby girl.  About 15 minutes into our visit, she was becoming agitated, so we requested for baby to come down and then Shannon asked us to leave and wanted the remainder of the day with baby and her kids by herself.  We were heartbroken, but understood.  Jon had not yet held her in his arms.  We were crushed.  We obliged, but snuck up to the nursery and the Doctor and nurse let us come back to at least give her kisses and say goodbye until the next day.  We went back to the hotel, sad, but happy, and hopeful for our signing the next day.

On December 13th, we met caseworker at breakfast with the hope to go to the hospital to see our daughter and praying we would sign papers today.  While at breakfast, Shannon asked us to wait.  Sad, but we released it to the Lord.  We went back up there a little after noon and the caseworker informed us that Shannon wanted to sign before her next pain med dose at 2pm.  The caseworker quickly got a notary, and we grabbed lunch for Shannon.  By the time we got back from getting lunch, Shannon had already signed all of the paperwork!  We signed our part and a huge sigh of relief went through us hearts!  We were ready to see our daughter, but Shannon's mental state was not well and was getting increasingly upset, so we had to leave.  We went back to the hotel with caseworker, frustrated, angry, and confused.  At about 7:00p, caseworker check with Shannon, again, and said we could come up and bring her kids their Christmas gifts.  We were ecstatic!!  It was amazing.  The kids were thrilled and loved the items we got them!  Jon finally got to hold his beautiful daughter!!  We left tonight, our hearts full, our minds at peace, and ready to bring our daughter home! 

We now wait for mom to be discharged from hospital.  The doctor said not until Sunday, but Shannon hopes to leave tomorrow.  We really hope she is discharged tomorrow, so we may bring baby girl back to our hotel and love on her all we want!!  She will not be discharged until Shannon is... 

I tell you what, this journey has been the most difficult journeys our hearts have been a part of.  We are so grateful for the journey, because God has been chiseling away at our hearts, minds, and spirits bringing us closer to His heart than we have ever been. 

I know you all want to see pictures!!  I promise, pictures will come, but we want to have her in our arms and loving on her first.  Stand by until Saturday or Sunday for pictures and another update!

Please continue to pray for the remainder of this journey... discharge of baby girl, ICPC paperwork, and getting home!

Love you all!!

Tiffany

Waiting for God's princess to arrive....

Trust in Me, I will provide, and I will be glorified.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

This journey to bring our little girl home has been nothing short of extreme dependency on the Lord.  Whenever we felt the need to even take the slightest control of our adoption journey, God quickly reminded us that He was in control and would whisper in our hearts, "Trust in Me, I will provide, and I will be glorified."  After our previous adoption fall through, our hearts were confused, sad, but extremely hopeful that God was still good and our little girl would be right around the corner.

Well, on November 14th, I received a phone call about a birth momma, Shannon, that was due at the end of December.  I wasn't sure if about the timing, but felt we should say yes.  Let me back track a minute.  About a week before this, I had a vision, as I was standing in the kitchen watching my boys stir batter at the counter together.  In that vision, I saw Nick on the right, Elijah in the middle, and a little girl of caucasian and African American mix on the very left.  I knew right then and there that God was revealing to me our daughter. Back to this call.  Mom is caucasian and dad is African American.  Whoa!!  Of course, Jon and I were hopeful, but extrememly guarded and cautious with hearts, not telling anyone of this situation possibility.  We gave over to the Lord and moved forward.  I look back at my journal and I remember pleading with God, please bring our little girl home before Christmas.

On Novermber 15th, we got an e-mail stating the Shannon had not chosen our family.  A bit discouraged, we moved forward and rested in the hands of the Lord.

Then, on November 18th, I got a call saying, "Shannon didn't necessarily not pick your family, she hadn't chose any family.  You see she wanted a biracial couple, but we did not have any, but she really likes your family and wants to pray about it a little more."  We had a small bit of hope and found our prayer warriors to help stand in the gap for us. 

On November 20th, we got a call saying that Shannon wanted to move forward with our family and really loved us!  She also wanted to have a conference call with Jon and I!  I was abosolutely thrilled!!  You see, God had pressed into my heart that this ministry not only included our new little one but her momma and family.  This would definitely be a more open adoption which would give us the opportunity to minister, love, and show God's redemption and grace to the momma and family.  My prayer started becoming, "Lord, please begin a beautiful relationship between Shannon and I and direct our conversations, filling with your love and peace."

On November 25th, Jon and I were blessed to have the opportunity to talk with Shannon over the phone.  It was amazing!  Shannon has the most grateful heart and kept telling us how thankful she was for us and how we were an answer to her prayers.  We were so blessed and so ready to have her as part of our family.  After about a 20 minute conversation, we all decided to talk again the following Monday.  We were so excited, yet still decided to share our wonderful news.

November 27th, Shannon had a doctor's appointment to check on the baby.  Her doctor noticed that baby girl was extremely large and possibly already 8 pounds and told her to think about an iduction or a c-section.  Of course this scared Shannon quite a bit, so her response was that she was going to  pray about it first before she made her decision.  We started praying for peace for Shannon and the decision God would place on her heart.

November 30th, we shared with our families about Shannon and asked for continued prayers for Shannon and her family.

On December 3rd, I had the opportunity to talk with Shannon again and I was blessed beyond belief!!  She was so sweet and are hearts definitely connected.  I also had the honor of praying with her over the phone and it was such a blessing to my heart!  She did ask me to pray about the c-section, because she was very nervous about this and really did not want to do it.  At this point we were unsure whether Shannon would fly to Utah or stay put in Georgia.  This conversation blessed me so much and I was so grateful to start bonding with her.  She also asked me if I would be in the delivery room with her, too.  I was ecstatic and completely floored!

On December 5th, we got a call saying that Shannon may have the baby on Friday or Monday.  With all of the weather coming into Dallas that night, we sat and waited and start packing.  We waited all day to find out whether or not we needed to leave or wait.  At about 5pm, our caseworker called and said she was flying out to be safe and it was up to us of what we wanted to do.  We were very concerned about getting stuck and missing the birth and not being able to be there for Shannon that God granted us the last two seats on the last plane going out of Dallas to Atlanta.  We met our caseworker at the airport and drove two hours to Augusta.  

On December 6th, our caseworker was able to take Shannon to the doctor, in hopes of scheduling a c-section.  After hours of being at the hospital, they decided not to do the c-section, but were doing a ton of tests.  There were tons of communication problems with the hospital and doctors.  They came back saying the baby is breech, very large, and lots of fluid.  They were trying to determine if baby was safer in or out.  At this point the caseworker realizes that Shannon has gestational diabetes and her blood pressure is high.  

On December 7th, Shannon stayed over night at the hospital, but they are releasing her for the night.  They ran lots of tests to make sure mom and baby are okay.  She will most likely go back on Sunday or Monday morning for more tests and is being monitored very closely.  Doctor is suppose to schedule a c-section for Monday or Tuesday if baby's lungs are developed after an amino test was done.  We prayed her lungs were developed.  That evening we had the opportunity to have dinner with Shannon and her two children!  It was amazing!!  We love her and her two kids are so sweet and smart.  She has such a grateful heart.  She already has a plan for her and her kids after baby is born in hopes of getting better schools and better place for the them to grow up.  She is very thoughtful and such a kind heart.

On December 8th, Shannon went back to the doctor with caseworker.  Shannon and baby were doing great!  Lungs were developed!!  BUT..the doctor never scheduled the c-section and now cant get it scheduled until Thursday morning!!  We considered flying home to see our boys, but financially it did not make sense.  My heart was crushed, yet hopeful still.  So what now?  We wait.

We are still, here, in Georgia, awaiting the arrival of this little girl that has decided that a dramatic entrance is something she insists on.  Shannon hasn't waivered in her decision to place and loves us as we love her.  We are so blessed to have Shannon a part of our family and continue to pray for God's peace throughout this entire journey.

We ask that you stand with us and not only pray for us, but for Shannon.  She has an amazing heart, but still struggles with anxiety.  Pray God's overwhelming peace for her and for us.  I will do much better about keeping this journey update, but this is where we are...  WAITING on the Lord.  Trusting in the Lord.  Resting in His timing so that He may be completely glorified.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.  As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,so is my word that goes out from my mouth; It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."  Isaiah 55:8-12

Be still and wait patiently on Him..... A week later.

So it's been a week since God walked beside us along an incredibly difficult journey with one precious little girl.  I know that many are wondering how we are doing.  My typical answer is, "We are good.  We know that God is faithful and He is good.  We are just trusting Him."  While this answer is completely and whole heartedly true, it only hits the surface that God is digging under to reveal His heart and our heart.

I have to confess, my heart was taken into a place of discouragement, yesterday.  It became anxious in the unknown and the plan God has planned for our family.  I am by no means doubting God's promise, but my heart burdened and longed for this little girl that God has intended for our family.  My heart began longing for our little girl, not the little girl we prayed over, but our little girl.  I was able to ask for prayer by some friends and then Jon and I prayed through this last night.

As morning came, I felt God saying, "Press into me."  I brought before Him our concerns.  What about the funding that is still with this agency? Should we move it back to give us more opportunity outside this agency only to be thrown back into a bigger pool, again instead of having priority?  Should we update our almost expiring home study?  Lord, what do we do?  His answer, "Be still.  Rest in Me."  What?!  Father, I've been waiting.  What do you mean be still?  My daughter needs me and cannot rest until she is in my arms.  His response, "Be still. Do not be anxious.  I'm preparing the way."  I literally fought this battle within my heart all day, yesterday, but I know God is good, I just. have. to. let. go....  Easier said than done.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn."  Psalm 37:3-6

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him....." Psalm 37:7

These verses are what God wants me to imprint onto my heart and into my mind and all over my spirit, today.  I keep moving forward, one step at a time, waiting on the Lord to fulfill His promise.  It will happen.  Not in my timing, but in His perfect timing.

God continually reminds me this journey is far bigger than me.  Far bigger than Jon.  Far bigger than any agency can fathom.  This journey continues to be about God and His glory.  It has nothing to do about me.  Yes, it's a struggle, but God is with us and has always been with us.

Thank you for your continuous prayers over our family.  They are felt.  This journey is rocking the core of many people, including the agency we are working with, the grant and loan companies, other friends, and family members.  God is being glorified through this and we continue to ask that you pray for us as we continue to walk out this journey...this mission...God has our family on.  God is moving and we will continue to update you as God moves.....

Walking a 48 hour path of extreme trust

"This will be a journey of My provision, My glory, and complete/extreme trust in Me."  

These words ring through my heart this morning after we walked one of the hardest paths God has called us into.  I look back this morning, still grieving, but finally at peace knowing we are within the Will of God.  Let me take you on this journey for a minute and as you read this and walk it with us, open your heart to see God at work and not to let your heart see the negativity.

Last Wednesday, October 23rd, God called me into a heart of repentence for bondage that had overtaken my heart. Straight from my journal entry that morning:

"It's time.  Proclaim my faithfulness, healing, and glory. Time to expose your heart even more sweet daughter.  I will give you time and I will write the words, but it's time humble yourself and expose your heart and the glory of my name.  Don't worry about the words you will say.  I will write them.  Just let me use you.  Don't hinder me and my truth and glory.  This is all about me, not about you, Tiffany.  You asked to be used as a vessel, now let me work through you.  You have to let go of the reigns and give them to me."

As I rewrite this into this blog, God was already preparing us and we were not even aware.  We were used as His vessels...for His Glory!

 I  released all of that and asked for forgiveness. (Another post)  Within 20 minutes of that posting we were matched with a birth mom situation that we knew was from God.  From the very beginning, I had not only peace, but uneasiness in this situation.  I felt God say move forward, this is for you, just trust in Me.  So, we did.  We followed Him onto a path of the unknown, but a path God needed us to walk for Him.  At the time, we didn't know why, but we had to be obedient and keep our hope in Him.

As I look at the following journal entry..I am right now seeing how God was preparing my spirit for what was coming.  The verse written on October 24th was 

"To shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace."  Luke 1:79

He was preparing our hearts to walk among the darkness of this little one's family.  Strengthening us to pray continually, without ceasing for her heart.

In the days that followed, God started filling the financial gap that we needed for this little girl, showing us his amazing provision as we trusted him.  

On October 28th, the verse written in my journal was:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."  Psalm 32:8

God's Word into my heart that day was:

"Daughter, let me guide you with each task and I will fill you up with peace, time, and strength.  Rest and I will let you know what's next."

The day before little lady was born,  this is the verse written in my journal:

"Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  Hebrews 12:3

You see, God was preparing us for something we couldn't fathom, but God knew we could handle.  We asked to be his vessel and to work through us, and He did.  Here is how it unfolded...

We were called on October 30th at 5:30 am that mom was in delivery.  We frantically got up and ready and drove an hour to where mom and baby were.  We got there after she was born and could only look at her from a window in the nursery.  We had to jumped about a million hoops, have forms signed and notarized by mom and hospital to even hold and see her.  Two hours later, she was in our arms.  We were rejoicing and praying for and over this sweet little girl.  As we were holding this sweet girl, the enemy was churning the hearts of birth mom's family, who were completely opposed of this adoption.  Grandma was stirring the waters.  Mom was very clear about her decision to place her child for adoption, knowing that she had a future for herself, her four year old daughter, and this little one.  She refused to see the baby, have her family see the baby, and had her name taken off the baby's crib in the nursery.  She wanted no one to be in touch with this child, except for us.  It was completely closed, yet we had to wait 48 hours until she could sign papers to release her rights to her.  Those were the most stressful 48 hours as mom's family continued to try and sway her.  She stood firm.  That night our caseworker had some time to sit and chat with the mom about her decision and how she was feeling without the influence of family.  She walked out that night and into the next morning feeling confident that mom was 100% in on this adoption.  We arrived the next morning, ready to hold our sweet girl, yet our nerves were still high.  We continued to hold her, pray for her, and had worship music pouring into all of our hearts as we rocked her.  Then the roller coaster started again.  Grandma was asking to see the baby, while mom refused.  She was finally able to with mom permission and we went to lunch.  We came back and things changed.  Birth mom's so called positive influence that was supporting this decision came in and after talking with grandma, was also swayed.  We got a call...Birth mom wants to see the baby.  We sat there empty, yet praying and pressing into the Lord.  We prayed for that little girl so hard and with all of our hearts and just trusted the Lord.  Baby came back in and case worker followed.  "mom wants to keep her."  Our hearts sunk.  We were devastated and just cried and cried.  We knew God had a purpose, but at that moment, we couldn't quite see it.  We were shaken to our core!  After tears with our wonderful caseworker, we left in tears, heartbroken, and ready to hold and love our two boys at home.  

This morning, I woke up, as if it was all a bad dream, but it wasn't, it was so real.  My phone was full of encouraging words and prayers, but my heart was still hurting so badly.  One of my dear friends, reminded me of the very beginning of this journey and my unsettled heart and that God knew the plans for this.  I released this to the Lord and cried in desperation for what the purpose of this journey was.  This is the text I sent straight to my consultant through the words God placed into my heart:

This has been one of the hardest 48 hours ever!  A friend of mine reminding me that my heart was truly unsettled about this situation but I chose to follow God and trust Him.  As I have worked through this in my heart and have cried out to the Lord all night and morning I felt Him whispering in my heart to keep trusting Him.  As hard as it is to go forward, we must for the sake of His Kingdom.  I believe God spoke into my heart that He planted us in the life of this little girl for a greater purpose.  Not to just love and hug on her the first two days of her life, but to pray over her, speak God's truth into her heart and spirit, and to cover her life with prayer from 100s of prayer warriors.  This little girl is meant to be a daughter of the Most High and God planted us there to cover her in God's protection and fill her up with His love that will give her heart the longing to love Him so deeply.  I know I will continue to grieve but I know God's love and plan is perfect and He will bring our little girl into our home in His timing.

Our hearts are definitely healing and we are now confident that God knows the bigger picture for our family and His kingdom.  We will remain in his arms and continue to trust in his goodness and faithfulness to bring our little girl home.  If this is the journey that God has called us on to in order for His Glory to be shown, then we choose to walk it.  We choose to go through the valleys, cross the rivers, and stand on His mountain top in order for His glory to be shown to all.  God sacrificed His Son for our life, are we willing to sacrifice for Him?  We are saying and absolute YES.  Would we do this again?  YES.  Would we continue if it meant more struggles?  YES. God is still good and we are still his children.  We continue to walk His journey of provision, His glory, and trust in Him.

Praying over baby girl

Straight from freedom into Blessing

So, not 20 minutes after I posted the previous post, did God set His promise into place.  I got a call from one of our agencies we are working with.  She called me and said, "I have some sad news, but some good news."  Not quite sure what to think about that, but knowing part of it meant that we weren't matched with the birth mom we had been waiting to hear from for two weeks, I sat in listened.  She said, "well birth mom L chose the other family, but we do have another situation we want to talk to you about."  Hmm.this is new.  "This is an agency pick situation, where the agency picks the family, because the birth mom does not want to and we would like to know if you would like to match with her?"  WHAT?!  Of course.  I listened to her tell me about mom as tears streamed down my face with complete gratitude and humility at the goodness of God.  Mom is due on November 4th!  That's in two weeks!  I tell you, when God tells us to move and we obey then he does not delay on his Word and promise.  Needless to say, we are downright thrilled and excited.  We still have reservation as with any adoption until all papers have been signed, but we are handing it over to God and trusting Him!

 As we look at the amazing donations and funding that we have been blessed with for our adoption, we discover we are still $9,000 short to be able to complete this match.  We have been asked to have all funding turned in with our contract by Monday, October 28th.  We know that God is our provider and are continuing to press into his arms with complete trust.

We are first and foremost asking you to stand alongside of us in prayer as we trust in God's provision and wisdom to bring her home in two weeks.  If you feel God is leading you to help fill in the gap to bring our baby girl home, you can donate through our paypal account linked to this page.  We are so grateful for all of the prayers that have been covering our family and look forward to sharing how God moves through this journey to bring our baby girl home.

From Bondage into Freedom

This is perhaps one of the hardest posts I have ever written, but it comes out of extreme faith and obedience to God.  I'm cringing on the inside as I begin to type, knowing that my whole heart is about to be exposed...more exposed than I have ever let it be outside of my own thoughts.  My stomach is churning, my heart is racing, and I'm near shaking with nerves and anguish, but I know that with complete obedience, comes complete redemption and grace from God, my Father.

As we began this adoption journey, nearly a year ago, God told me that this was a journey of trust, provision, and His glory, not just adding to our family.  I sort of thought I knew what that meant, but not until recently did this come to the surface for our family, specifically to me.  As many of you know, I have dealt with medical issues from the very beginning of our marriage.  Deep down I knew that these were signs of something deeper...something spiritual, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it.  I struggled for 10 years of endometriosis and the pain and side effects of it.  I struggled with debilitating migraines.  I was attacked with random ailments, such as a stenosis in my ureter affecting my kidney, a hernia, and more recently the diagnosis of a gluten allergy.  With every diagnosis, I remember going to Jon and asking why, then crying out to God with the same question and frustration of why this could continually happen to someone who followed God and put others before herself.  I began doubting God's ability to heal me and wondered if this was what was meant for me.  I began opening the doors to the spirit of doubt into my life.  I left the door cracked open at the first diagnosis and the enemy began to open it a little more adding to my ailments...all while I was unaware.  In addition, with each new diagnosis, my heart was growing dark.  I didn't know it was growing, because I felt and thought that I was trusting God completely with my health and thought he was going to heal me....eventually.  I even told people, "maybe God just has adoption for our family and He was closing the door with these illness." or I would say, "it could be worse, I'm just going to pray through it."  When in reality, I was angry, mad, frustrated, and becoming increasingly bitter and jealous.  That little crack into my heart and spirit was beginning to go from the tiny crack to being wide open to these horrible spirits that were wrecking my life, not only spiritually, but physically!  I was in bondage and I didn't even know it!!

So what did this look like?  This is the part that breaks my heart, but it is how the enemy destroyed me!  The spirit of jealousy stepped in the moment my younger sister got pregnant with her first child and we had just recently had a failed fertility treatment.  I remember sobbing and crying and wondering why.  I was sad, but my anger and frustration turned into jealousy and bitterness toward her, although I did not outwardly show this, it was burning inside my heart and seeping quickly into my health.  This horrible jealousy and bitterness controlled me and re-surfaced every time a friend got pregnant.  I would hide my feelings and thoughts so deeply and outwardly be so excited for them and want the best for them, which I did and was excited, but Satan was twisting my heart, internally.  With every pregnancy, it got worse, and I got unfortunately, better at hiding my internal feelings of bitterness, sadness, frustration, and jealousy.  I learned to avoid situations that would bring these feelings forward or hide away.  I would speak words of resentment toward them, but not at them, yet still hurtful, because my heart had turned.  All the while, I was "happy" for them.  Through these nine years, my heart grew heavy, so heavy that my health became unbearable!  I lost 10 pounds in 9 months!
Before I move forward, I need to ask for forgiveness for those friends and family members that I so dearly love, yet my heart was ugly during their most amazing time.  I let the enemy into my heart and I don't feel I was able to celebrate with you like I should have and for that I am so deeply sorry and hope that you can forgive me.  You know who you are, especially, if you received this update through e-mail.  You and your children are jewels and I'm so grateful to be their aunts and to be your friends!

As this adoption began, I felt there was something deeper to this journey.  God kept reminding me, it's not about the adoption, it's about the journey to your heart and the hearts of others, which is meant to bring glory to me, your Father.  I continued to trust God daily and through each "no" from a birth mom, but my heart was still struggling.  God yanked me one day as I went in to see my OB for just a regular appointment.  I went in with horrible abdominal pain and was so worried about the outcome of this appointment.  As she examined me and asked questions, she noticed that my uterus was shifted and possible attached to my ovary.  I was so overwhelmed with sadness, that my eyes began tearing up.  She scheduled me for a sonogram to see if we had cysts and what was going on.  I walked out of that office discouraged about the thought of more surgeries.  This was on a Friday.  On Sunday morning, I don't even remember the sermon, but God pressed into my heart to step forward for prayer.  I walked from the back of the church to the front, tears welling up and fell apart into this very sweet lady's arms.  I wanted freedom and healing.  I needed a miracle.  I was done.  She prayed that God would bring to my heart and mind anything preventing healing and then declared healing over my body.  That next month, God brought to the surface all of the bondage and the links it had over my life!  I worked through it daily with the Lord and confessing it to Jon.  My heart began changing.  I felt lighter and happier for the first time in nine years.  My contentment was overwhelming, because He was filling my heart with so much peace and joy that it was overflowing.  Kept pressing into God whenever the enemy would try and attack and he fought for me.  The bondage was gone!!  On October 11th, Jon and I returned to the doctor, anxious, to have the sonogram.  I told her what my history was and what the doctor was expecting to find.  She wrote it down and then began the sonogram.  I took a deep breath and just prayed, "God, thank you for your healing.  I trust in you no matter what."  She was taking her measurements and then asked, where did she say the uterus was tilted and attached?  I told her again, and she said, "hmmm, this looks unremarkable to me.  Let me show you.  Normal. and here...normal...and here...normal..."  I then asked, "no cysts?"  "No...this is a perfect sonogram."  I then proceeded to say, " I have never heard that, not in the last 10 years.  I have always had a cyst or abnormality."  "Well, this is not abnormal.  Everything looks perfect."  We walked out of that office, a bit baffled, but in complete shock and gratitude for healing!!  I waited to hear from the doctor for confirmation and sure enough same thing.
All this to say, my spiritual bondage had impacted my health so dramatically that the release and freedom from the bondage allowed healing to break through in my body.  God does heal!  He is healing and He healed me, mind, heart, and body!
God has been so faithful to me and I am declaring that I am healed by God's grace and by His hand.  This is my testimony, that I have walked through and out of bondage into the healing graces and power of my Lord Jesus Christ.  I hope that this will give you a hope that God listens, loves, and is healing today.

Internal anguish brought to the surface

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear...." 1 John 4:18

A verse that has been prayed over Nick, since he moved in with us.  A verse that he has memorized and has imprinted upon his heart, yet this fear seems to be fighting back!  Nick has recently started seeing a psychiatrist as his emotions, heart, self-esteem, and anxieties have changed in the last couple of years.  As a mom, I knew we would be experiencing this with Nick, only because it is part of the symptoms of FASD, but never imagined it to the degree it is.  As we sat at the doctor's office and were talking about how things were going, I felt things were getting so much better.  Nick didn't seem to be on a constant roller coaster of emotions.  He said, he enjoyed his school work more, because he could focus and that he continued to like gymnastics.  I then asked the doctor about an incident that occurred at his gym, where Nick froze in fear over a skill that he is able to do.  This comment led to about 20 minutes of Nick's heart falling out all over the place.  I was in complete shock and felt so terrible as a mom at this moment in time.

 As we started probing Nick a little bit we realized that Nick is really, really struggling with self-worth/self-esteem, anxiety, and just plain internal anguish.  His words in our appointment, "I'm just never as good as everyone else in the gym.  Everyone thinks I'm a weirdo and stupid, because I struggle with my back handspring and can't remember what I'm suppose to do.  They look at me like I'm stupid and different.  The girls all hate me and think I'm dumb and make fun of me.  They won't ever listen to me and then they call me names.  They will talk to everyone else, but not me, because I'm weird.  Everyone hates me at the gym.  I just can't do anything right."  This was all said in different chunks as we were beginning to get him to open up.  He just kept repeating, "Everyone hates me because I'm weird."  I was completely floored by this and as he started talking more and more, tears started welling up in his eyes.  I felt horrible as a mom.  This is just what is going on in Nick's head that he is just plain unable to verbalize, until today! We are so incredibly grateful with Nick's gym and coach, who have  been so understanding and willing to listen to us as parents and help Nick become successful. God has placed Nick in this gym and we are truly blessed.  Regardless of the anxiety, Nick loves his gym and his coach, per recent conversation with Nick.  We believe God has aligned the gym in Nicks life for this specific reason.

As we started attempting to walk Nick through these feelings of unworth, he could not seem to see himself as I see him.  "Fearfully and wonderfully made!"  All the way home, well first to Chick-fil-a, I was fighting the tears as I kept thinking, how can did I not see this.  My inadequacy overwhelmed me, but God gently reminded me to love Nick as He loves me.  Unconditionally.  Take more quiet time with Nick and open up about life with him.  So we did...at Chick-fil-A.  

It's so hard to imagine a child struggling so deeply and so often, but it is happening within Nick.  My heart breaks thinking about the internal anguish he lives with on a daily basis.  He seems to hide it well, doesn't he?  But, watching my "tough" kid cry because his heart, mind, and spirit were falling apart and no one even knew crushed all that I am.  I write this knowing that we have so many who read this and this is a cry of a mom's heart to pray for my child's heart, mind, and spirit.  God has him in his hands, but his little spirit is internally battling the evil spirits of anxiety, fear, self worth, depression, and anger.  Please take a few moments to pray over Nick, because I know I cannot do this on my own.  

Someone once said, "it takes a village to raise our children."  Please be our village for Nick...