So it's been a week since God walked beside us along an incredibly difficult journey with one precious little girl. I know that many are wondering how we are doing. My typical answer is, "We are good. We know that God is faithful and He is good. We are just trusting Him." While this answer is completely and whole heartedly true, it only hits the surface that God is digging under to reveal His heart and our heart.
I have to confess, my heart was taken into a place of discouragement, yesterday. It became anxious in the unknown and the plan God has planned for our family. I am by no means doubting God's promise, but my heart burdened and longed for this little girl that God has intended for our family. My heart began longing for our little girl, not the little girl we prayed over, but our little girl. I was able to ask for prayer by some friends and then Jon and I prayed through this last night.
As morning came, I felt God saying, "Press into me." I brought before Him our concerns. What about the funding that is still with this agency? Should we move it back to give us more opportunity outside this agency only to be thrown back into a bigger pool, again instead of having priority? Should we update our almost expiring home study? Lord, what do we do? His answer, "Be still. Rest in Me." What?! Father, I've been waiting. What do you mean be still? My daughter needs me and cannot rest until she is in my arms. His response, "Be still. Do not be anxious. I'm preparing the way." I literally fought this battle within my heart all day, yesterday, but I know God is good, I just. have. to. let. go.... Easier said than done.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn." Psalm 37:3-6
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him....." Psalm 37:7
These verses are what God wants me to imprint onto my heart and into my mind and all over my spirit, today. I keep moving forward, one step at a time, waiting on the Lord to fulfill His promise. It will happen. Not in my timing, but in His perfect timing.
God continually reminds me this journey is far bigger than me. Far bigger than Jon. Far bigger than any agency can fathom. This journey continues to be about God and His glory. It has nothing to do about me. Yes, it's a struggle, but God is with us and has always been with us.
Thank you for your continuous prayers over our family. They are felt. This journey is rocking the core of many people, including the agency we are working with, the grant and loan companies, other friends, and family members. God is being glorified through this and we continue to ask that you pray for us as we continue to walk out this journey...this mission...God has our family on. God is moving and we will continue to update you as God moves.....
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Walking a 48 hour path of extreme trust
"This will be a journey of My provision, My glory, and complete/extreme trust in Me."
These words ring through my heart this morning after we walked one of the hardest paths God has called us into. I look back this morning, still grieving, but finally at peace knowing we are within the Will of God. Let me take you on this journey for a minute and as you read this and walk it with us, open your heart to see God at work and not to let your heart see the negativity.
Last Wednesday, October 23rd, God called me into a heart of repentence for bondage that had overtaken my heart. Straight from my journal entry that morning:
"It's time. Proclaim my faithfulness, healing, and glory. Time to expose your heart even more sweet daughter. I will give you time and I will write the words, but it's time humble yourself and expose your heart and the glory of my name. Don't worry about the words you will say. I will write them. Just let me use you. Don't hinder me and my truth and glory. This is all about me, not about you, Tiffany. You asked to be used as a vessel, now let me work through you. You have to let go of the reigns and give them to me."
As I rewrite this into this blog, God was already preparing us and we were not even aware. We were used as His vessels...for His Glory!
I released all of that and asked for forgiveness. (Another post) Within 20 minutes of that posting we were matched with a birth mom situation that we knew was from God. From the very beginning, I had not only peace, but uneasiness in this situation. I felt God say move forward, this is for you, just trust in Me. So, we did. We followed Him onto a path of the unknown, but a path God needed us to walk for Him. At the time, we didn't know why, but we had to be obedient and keep our hope in Him.
As I look at the following journal entry..I am right now seeing how God was preparing my spirit for what was coming. The verse written on October 24th was
"To shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace." Luke 1:79
He was preparing our hearts to walk among the darkness of this little one's family. Strengthening us to pray continually, without ceasing for her heart.
In the days that followed, God started filling the financial gap that we needed for this little girl, showing us his amazing provision as we trusted him.
On October 28th, the verse written in my journal was:
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8
God's Word into my heart that day was:
"Daughter, let me guide you with each task and I will fill you up with peace, time, and strength. Rest and I will let you know what's next."
The day before little lady was born, this is the verse written in my journal:
"Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:3
You see, God was preparing us for something we couldn't fathom, but God knew we could handle. We asked to be his vessel and to work through us, and He did. Here is how it unfolded...
We were called on October 30th at 5:30 am that mom was in delivery. We frantically got up and ready and drove an hour to where mom and baby were. We got there after she was born and could only look at her from a window in the nursery. We had to jumped about a million hoops, have forms signed and notarized by mom and hospital to even hold and see her. Two hours later, she was in our arms. We were rejoicing and praying for and over this sweet little girl. As we were holding this sweet girl, the enemy was churning the hearts of birth mom's family, who were completely opposed of this adoption. Grandma was stirring the waters. Mom was very clear about her decision to place her child for adoption, knowing that she had a future for herself, her four year old daughter, and this little one. She refused to see the baby, have her family see the baby, and had her name taken off the baby's crib in the nursery. She wanted no one to be in touch with this child, except for us. It was completely closed, yet we had to wait 48 hours until she could sign papers to release her rights to her. Those were the most stressful 48 hours as mom's family continued to try and sway her. She stood firm. That night our caseworker had some time to sit and chat with the mom about her decision and how she was feeling without the influence of family. She walked out that night and into the next morning feeling confident that mom was 100% in on this adoption. We arrived the next morning, ready to hold our sweet girl, yet our nerves were still high. We continued to hold her, pray for her, and had worship music pouring into all of our hearts as we rocked her. Then the roller coaster started again. Grandma was asking to see the baby, while mom refused. She was finally able to with mom permission and we went to lunch. We came back and things changed. Birth mom's so called positive influence that was supporting this decision came in and after talking with grandma, was also swayed. We got a call...Birth mom wants to see the baby. We sat there empty, yet praying and pressing into the Lord. We prayed for that little girl so hard and with all of our hearts and just trusted the Lord. Baby came back in and case worker followed. "mom wants to keep her." Our hearts sunk. We were devastated and just cried and cried. We knew God had a purpose, but at that moment, we couldn't quite see it. We were shaken to our core! After tears with our wonderful caseworker, we left in tears, heartbroken, and ready to hold and love our two boys at home.
This morning, I woke up, as if it was all a bad dream, but it wasn't, it was so real. My phone was full of encouraging words and prayers, but my heart was still hurting so badly. One of my dear friends, reminded me of the very beginning of this journey and my unsettled heart and that God knew the plans for this. I released this to the Lord and cried in desperation for what the purpose of this journey was. This is the text I sent straight to my consultant through the words God placed into my heart:
This has been one of the hardest 48 hours ever! A friend of mine reminding me that my heart was truly unsettled about this situation but I chose to follow God and trust Him. As I have worked through this in my heart and have cried out to the Lord all night and morning I felt Him whispering in my heart to keep trusting Him. As hard as it is to go forward, we must for the sake of His Kingdom. I believe God spoke into my heart that He planted us in the life of this little girl for a greater purpose. Not to just love and hug on her the first two days of her life, but to pray over her, speak God's truth into her heart and spirit, and to cover her life with prayer from 100s of prayer warriors. This little girl is meant to be a daughter of the Most High and God planted us there to cover her in God's protection and fill her up with His love that will give her heart the longing to love Him so deeply. I know I will continue to grieve but I know God's love and plan is perfect and He will bring our little girl into our home in His timing.
Our hearts are definitely healing and we are now confident that God knows the bigger picture for our family and His kingdom. We will remain in his arms and continue to trust in his goodness and faithfulness to bring our little girl home. If this is the journey that God has called us on to in order for His Glory to be shown, then we choose to walk it. We choose to go through the valleys, cross the rivers, and stand on His mountain top in order for His glory to be shown to all. God sacrificed His Son for our life, are we willing to sacrifice for Him? We are saying and absolute YES. Would we do this again? YES. Would we continue if it meant more struggles? YES. God is still good and we are still his children. We continue to walk His journey of provision, His glory, and trust in Him.
Praying over baby girl
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Straight from freedom into Blessing
So, not 20 minutes after I posted the previous post, did God set His promise into place. I got a call from one of our agencies we are working with. She called me and said, "I have some sad news, but some good news." Not quite sure what to think about that, but knowing part of it meant that we weren't matched with the birth mom we had been waiting to hear from for two weeks, I sat in listened. She said, "well birth mom L chose the other family, but we do have another situation we want to talk to you about." Hmm.this is new. "This is an agency pick situation, where the agency picks the family, because the birth mom does not want to and we would like to know if you would like to match with her?" WHAT?! Of course. I listened to her tell me about mom as tears streamed down my face with complete gratitude and humility at the goodness of God. Mom is due on November 4th! That's in two weeks! I tell you, when God tells us to move and we obey then he does not delay on his Word and promise. Needless to say, we are downright thrilled and excited. We still have reservation as with any adoption until all papers have been signed, but we are handing it over to God and trusting Him!
As we look at the amazing donations and funding that we have been blessed with for our adoption, we discover we are still $9,000 short to be able to complete this match. We have been asked to have all funding turned in with our contract by Monday, October 28th. We know that God is our provider and are continuing to press into his arms with complete trust.
We are first and foremost asking you to stand alongside of us in prayer as we trust in God's provision and wisdom to bring her home in two weeks. If you feel God is leading you to help fill in the gap to bring our baby girl home, you can donate through our paypal account linked to this page. We are so grateful for all of the prayers that have been covering our family and look forward to sharing how God moves through this journey to bring our baby girl home.
As we look at the amazing donations and funding that we have been blessed with for our adoption, we discover we are still $9,000 short to be able to complete this match. We have been asked to have all funding turned in with our contract by Monday, October 28th. We know that God is our provider and are continuing to press into his arms with complete trust.
We are first and foremost asking you to stand alongside of us in prayer as we trust in God's provision and wisdom to bring her home in two weeks. If you feel God is leading you to help fill in the gap to bring our baby girl home, you can donate through our paypal account linked to this page. We are so grateful for all of the prayers that have been covering our family and look forward to sharing how God moves through this journey to bring our baby girl home.
From Bondage into Freedom
This is perhaps one of the hardest posts I have ever written, but it comes out of extreme faith and obedience to God. I'm cringing on the inside as I begin to type, knowing that my whole heart is about to be exposed...more exposed than I have ever let it be outside of my own thoughts. My stomach is churning, my heart is racing, and I'm near shaking with nerves and anguish, but I know that with complete obedience, comes complete redemption and grace from God, my Father.
As we began this adoption journey, nearly a year ago, God told me that this was a journey of trust, provision, and His glory, not just adding to our family. I sort of thought I knew what that meant, but not until recently did this come to the surface for our family, specifically to me. As many of you know, I have dealt with medical issues from the very beginning of our marriage. Deep down I knew that these were signs of something deeper...something spiritual, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it. I struggled for 10 years of endometriosis and the pain and side effects of it. I struggled with debilitating migraines. I was attacked with random ailments, such as a stenosis in my ureter affecting my kidney, a hernia, and more recently the diagnosis of a gluten allergy. With every diagnosis, I remember going to Jon and asking why, then crying out to God with the same question and frustration of why this could continually happen to someone who followed God and put others before herself. I began doubting God's ability to heal me and wondered if this was what was meant for me. I began opening the doors to the spirit of doubt into my life. I left the door cracked open at the first diagnosis and the enemy began to open it a little more adding to my ailments...all while I was unaware. In addition, with each new diagnosis, my heart was growing dark. I didn't know it was growing, because I felt and thought that I was trusting God completely with my health and thought he was going to heal me....eventually. I even told people, "maybe God just has adoption for our family and He was closing the door with these illness." or I would say, "it could be worse, I'm just going to pray through it." When in reality, I was angry, mad, frustrated, and becoming increasingly bitter and jealous. That little crack into my heart and spirit was beginning to go from the tiny crack to being wide open to these horrible spirits that were wrecking my life, not only spiritually, but physically! I was in bondage and I didn't even know it!!
So what did this look like? This is the part that breaks my heart, but it is how the enemy destroyed me! The spirit of jealousy stepped in the moment my younger sister got pregnant with her first child and we had just recently had a failed fertility treatment. I remember sobbing and crying and wondering why. I was sad, but my anger and frustration turned into jealousy and bitterness toward her, although I did not outwardly show this, it was burning inside my heart and seeping quickly into my health. This horrible jealousy and bitterness controlled me and re-surfaced every time a friend got pregnant. I would hide my feelings and thoughts so deeply and outwardly be so excited for them and want the best for them, which I did and was excited, but Satan was twisting my heart, internally. With every pregnancy, it got worse, and I got unfortunately, better at hiding my internal feelings of bitterness, sadness, frustration, and jealousy. I learned to avoid situations that would bring these feelings forward or hide away. I would speak words of resentment toward them, but not at them, yet still hurtful, because my heart had turned. All the while, I was "happy" for them. Through these nine years, my heart grew heavy, so heavy that my health became unbearable! I lost 10 pounds in 9 months!
Before I move forward, I need to ask for forgiveness for those friends and family members that I so dearly love, yet my heart was ugly during their most amazing time. I let the enemy into my heart and I don't feel I was able to celebrate with you like I should have and for that I am so deeply sorry and hope that you can forgive me. You know who you are, especially, if you received this update through e-mail. You and your children are jewels and I'm so grateful to be their aunts and to be your friends!
As this adoption began, I felt there was something deeper to this journey. God kept reminding me, it's not about the adoption, it's about the journey to your heart and the hearts of others, which is meant to bring glory to me, your Father. I continued to trust God daily and through each "no" from a birth mom, but my heart was still struggling. God yanked me one day as I went in to see my OB for just a regular appointment. I went in with horrible abdominal pain and was so worried about the outcome of this appointment. As she examined me and asked questions, she noticed that my uterus was shifted and possible attached to my ovary. I was so overwhelmed with sadness, that my eyes began tearing up. She scheduled me for a sonogram to see if we had cysts and what was going on. I walked out of that office discouraged about the thought of more surgeries. This was on a Friday. On Sunday morning, I don't even remember the sermon, but God pressed into my heart to step forward for prayer. I walked from the back of the church to the front, tears welling up and fell apart into this very sweet lady's arms. I wanted freedom and healing. I needed a miracle. I was done. She prayed that God would bring to my heart and mind anything preventing healing and then declared healing over my body. That next month, God brought to the surface all of the bondage and the links it had over my life! I worked through it daily with the Lord and confessing it to Jon. My heart began changing. I felt lighter and happier for the first time in nine years. My contentment was overwhelming, because He was filling my heart with so much peace and joy that it was overflowing. Kept pressing into God whenever the enemy would try and attack and he fought for me. The bondage was gone!! On October 11th, Jon and I returned to the doctor, anxious, to have the sonogram. I told her what my history was and what the doctor was expecting to find. She wrote it down and then began the sonogram. I took a deep breath and just prayed, "God, thank you for your healing. I trust in you no matter what." She was taking her measurements and then asked, where did she say the uterus was tilted and attached? I told her again, and she said, "hmmm, this looks unremarkable to me. Let me show you. Normal. and here...normal...and here...normal..." I then asked, "no cysts?" "No...this is a perfect sonogram." I then proceeded to say, " I have never heard that, not in the last 10 years. I have always had a cyst or abnormality." "Well, this is not abnormal. Everything looks perfect." We walked out of that office, a bit baffled, but in complete shock and gratitude for healing!! I waited to hear from the doctor for confirmation and sure enough same thing.
All this to say, my spiritual bondage had impacted my health so dramatically that the release and freedom from the bondage allowed healing to break through in my body. God does heal! He is healing and He healed me, mind, heart, and body!
God has been so faithful to me and I am declaring that I am healed by God's grace and by His hand. This is my testimony, that I have walked through and out of bondage into the healing graces and power of my Lord Jesus Christ. I hope that this will give you a hope that God listens, loves, and is healing today.
As we began this adoption journey, nearly a year ago, God told me that this was a journey of trust, provision, and His glory, not just adding to our family. I sort of thought I knew what that meant, but not until recently did this come to the surface for our family, specifically to me. As many of you know, I have dealt with medical issues from the very beginning of our marriage. Deep down I knew that these were signs of something deeper...something spiritual, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it. I struggled for 10 years of endometriosis and the pain and side effects of it. I struggled with debilitating migraines. I was attacked with random ailments, such as a stenosis in my ureter affecting my kidney, a hernia, and more recently the diagnosis of a gluten allergy. With every diagnosis, I remember going to Jon and asking why, then crying out to God with the same question and frustration of why this could continually happen to someone who followed God and put others before herself. I began doubting God's ability to heal me and wondered if this was what was meant for me. I began opening the doors to the spirit of doubt into my life. I left the door cracked open at the first diagnosis and the enemy began to open it a little more adding to my ailments...all while I was unaware. In addition, with each new diagnosis, my heart was growing dark. I didn't know it was growing, because I felt and thought that I was trusting God completely with my health and thought he was going to heal me....eventually. I even told people, "maybe God just has adoption for our family and He was closing the door with these illness." or I would say, "it could be worse, I'm just going to pray through it." When in reality, I was angry, mad, frustrated, and becoming increasingly bitter and jealous. That little crack into my heart and spirit was beginning to go from the tiny crack to being wide open to these horrible spirits that were wrecking my life, not only spiritually, but physically! I was in bondage and I didn't even know it!!
So what did this look like? This is the part that breaks my heart, but it is how the enemy destroyed me! The spirit of jealousy stepped in the moment my younger sister got pregnant with her first child and we had just recently had a failed fertility treatment. I remember sobbing and crying and wondering why. I was sad, but my anger and frustration turned into jealousy and bitterness toward her, although I did not outwardly show this, it was burning inside my heart and seeping quickly into my health. This horrible jealousy and bitterness controlled me and re-surfaced every time a friend got pregnant. I would hide my feelings and thoughts so deeply and outwardly be so excited for them and want the best for them, which I did and was excited, but Satan was twisting my heart, internally. With every pregnancy, it got worse, and I got unfortunately, better at hiding my internal feelings of bitterness, sadness, frustration, and jealousy. I learned to avoid situations that would bring these feelings forward or hide away. I would speak words of resentment toward them, but not at them, yet still hurtful, because my heart had turned. All the while, I was "happy" for them. Through these nine years, my heart grew heavy, so heavy that my health became unbearable! I lost 10 pounds in 9 months!
Before I move forward, I need to ask for forgiveness for those friends and family members that I so dearly love, yet my heart was ugly during their most amazing time. I let the enemy into my heart and I don't feel I was able to celebrate with you like I should have and for that I am so deeply sorry and hope that you can forgive me. You know who you are, especially, if you received this update through e-mail. You and your children are jewels and I'm so grateful to be their aunts and to be your friends!
As this adoption began, I felt there was something deeper to this journey. God kept reminding me, it's not about the adoption, it's about the journey to your heart and the hearts of others, which is meant to bring glory to me, your Father. I continued to trust God daily and through each "no" from a birth mom, but my heart was still struggling. God yanked me one day as I went in to see my OB for just a regular appointment. I went in with horrible abdominal pain and was so worried about the outcome of this appointment. As she examined me and asked questions, she noticed that my uterus was shifted and possible attached to my ovary. I was so overwhelmed with sadness, that my eyes began tearing up. She scheduled me for a sonogram to see if we had cysts and what was going on. I walked out of that office discouraged about the thought of more surgeries. This was on a Friday. On Sunday morning, I don't even remember the sermon, but God pressed into my heart to step forward for prayer. I walked from the back of the church to the front, tears welling up and fell apart into this very sweet lady's arms. I wanted freedom and healing. I needed a miracle. I was done. She prayed that God would bring to my heart and mind anything preventing healing and then declared healing over my body. That next month, God brought to the surface all of the bondage and the links it had over my life! I worked through it daily with the Lord and confessing it to Jon. My heart began changing. I felt lighter and happier for the first time in nine years. My contentment was overwhelming, because He was filling my heart with so much peace and joy that it was overflowing. Kept pressing into God whenever the enemy would try and attack and he fought for me. The bondage was gone!! On October 11th, Jon and I returned to the doctor, anxious, to have the sonogram. I told her what my history was and what the doctor was expecting to find. She wrote it down and then began the sonogram. I took a deep breath and just prayed, "God, thank you for your healing. I trust in you no matter what." She was taking her measurements and then asked, where did she say the uterus was tilted and attached? I told her again, and she said, "hmmm, this looks unremarkable to me. Let me show you. Normal. and here...normal...and here...normal..." I then asked, "no cysts?" "No...this is a perfect sonogram." I then proceeded to say, " I have never heard that, not in the last 10 years. I have always had a cyst or abnormality." "Well, this is not abnormal. Everything looks perfect." We walked out of that office, a bit baffled, but in complete shock and gratitude for healing!! I waited to hear from the doctor for confirmation and sure enough same thing.
All this to say, my spiritual bondage had impacted my health so dramatically that the release and freedom from the bondage allowed healing to break through in my body. God does heal! He is healing and He healed me, mind, heart, and body!
God has been so faithful to me and I am declaring that I am healed by God's grace and by His hand. This is my testimony, that I have walked through and out of bondage into the healing graces and power of my Lord Jesus Christ. I hope that this will give you a hope that God listens, loves, and is healing today.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Internal anguish brought to the surface
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear...." 1 John 4:18
A verse that has been prayed over Nick, since he moved in with us. A verse that he has memorized and has imprinted upon his heart, yet this fear seems to be fighting back! Nick has recently started seeing a psychiatrist as his emotions, heart, self-esteem, and anxieties have changed in the last couple of years. As a mom, I knew we would be experiencing this with Nick, only because it is part of the symptoms of FASD, but never imagined it to the degree it is. As we sat at the doctor's office and were talking about how things were going, I felt things were getting so much better. Nick didn't seem to be on a constant roller coaster of emotions. He said, he enjoyed his school work more, because he could focus and that he continued to like gymnastics. I then asked the doctor about an incident that occurred at his gym, where Nick froze in fear over a skill that he is able to do. This comment led to about 20 minutes of Nick's heart falling out all over the place. I was in complete shock and felt so terrible as a mom at this moment in time.
As we started probing Nick a little bit we realized that Nick is really, really struggling with self-worth/self-esteem, anxiety, and just plain internal anguish. His words in our appointment, "I'm just never as good as everyone else in the gym. Everyone thinks I'm a weirdo and stupid, because I struggle with my back handspring and can't remember what I'm suppose to do. They look at me like I'm stupid and different. The girls all hate me and think I'm dumb and make fun of me. They won't ever listen to me and then they call me names. They will talk to everyone else, but not me, because I'm weird. Everyone hates me at the gym. I just can't do anything right." This was all said in different chunks as we were beginning to get him to open up. He just kept repeating, "Everyone hates me because I'm weird." I was completely floored by this and as he started talking more and more, tears started welling up in his eyes. I felt horrible as a mom. This is just what is going on in Nick's head that he is just plain unable to verbalize, until today! We are so incredibly grateful with Nick's gym and coach, who have been so understanding and willing to listen to us as parents and help Nick become successful. God has placed Nick in this gym and we are truly blessed. Regardless of the anxiety, Nick loves his gym and his coach, per recent conversation with Nick. We believe God has aligned the gym in Nicks life for this specific reason.
As we started attempting to walk Nick through these feelings of unworth, he could not seem to see himself as I see him. "Fearfully and wonderfully made!" All the way home, well first to Chick-fil-a, I was fighting the tears as I kept thinking, how can did I not see this. My inadequacy overwhelmed me, but God gently reminded me to love Nick as He loves me. Unconditionally. Take more quiet time with Nick and open up about life with him. So we did...at Chick-fil-A.
It's so hard to imagine a child struggling so deeply and so often, but it is happening within Nick. My heart breaks thinking about the internal anguish he lives with on a daily basis. He seems to hide it well, doesn't he? But, watching my "tough" kid cry because his heart, mind, and spirit were falling apart and no one even knew crushed all that I am. I write this knowing that we have so many who read this and this is a cry of a mom's heart to pray for my child's heart, mind, and spirit. God has him in his hands, but his little spirit is internally battling the evil spirits of anxiety, fear, self worth, depression, and anger. Please take a few moments to pray over Nick, because I know I cannot do this on my own.
Someone once said, "it takes a village to raise our children." Please be our village for Nick...
A verse that has been prayed over Nick, since he moved in with us. A verse that he has memorized and has imprinted upon his heart, yet this fear seems to be fighting back! Nick has recently started seeing a psychiatrist as his emotions, heart, self-esteem, and anxieties have changed in the last couple of years. As a mom, I knew we would be experiencing this with Nick, only because it is part of the symptoms of FASD, but never imagined it to the degree it is. As we sat at the doctor's office and were talking about how things were going, I felt things were getting so much better. Nick didn't seem to be on a constant roller coaster of emotions. He said, he enjoyed his school work more, because he could focus and that he continued to like gymnastics. I then asked the doctor about an incident that occurred at his gym, where Nick froze in fear over a skill that he is able to do. This comment led to about 20 minutes of Nick's heart falling out all over the place. I was in complete shock and felt so terrible as a mom at this moment in time.
As we started probing Nick a little bit we realized that Nick is really, really struggling with self-worth/self-esteem, anxiety, and just plain internal anguish. His words in our appointment, "I'm just never as good as everyone else in the gym. Everyone thinks I'm a weirdo and stupid, because I struggle with my back handspring and can't remember what I'm suppose to do. They look at me like I'm stupid and different. The girls all hate me and think I'm dumb and make fun of me. They won't ever listen to me and then they call me names. They will talk to everyone else, but not me, because I'm weird. Everyone hates me at the gym. I just can't do anything right." This was all said in different chunks as we were beginning to get him to open up. He just kept repeating, "Everyone hates me because I'm weird." I was completely floored by this and as he started talking more and more, tears started welling up in his eyes. I felt horrible as a mom. This is just what is going on in Nick's head that he is just plain unable to verbalize, until today! We are so incredibly grateful with Nick's gym and coach, who have been so understanding and willing to listen to us as parents and help Nick become successful. God has placed Nick in this gym and we are truly blessed. Regardless of the anxiety, Nick loves his gym and his coach, per recent conversation with Nick. We believe God has aligned the gym in Nicks life for this specific reason.
As we started attempting to walk Nick through these feelings of unworth, he could not seem to see himself as I see him. "Fearfully and wonderfully made!" All the way home, well first to Chick-fil-a, I was fighting the tears as I kept thinking, how can did I not see this. My inadequacy overwhelmed me, but God gently reminded me to love Nick as He loves me. Unconditionally. Take more quiet time with Nick and open up about life with him. So we did...at Chick-fil-A.
It's so hard to imagine a child struggling so deeply and so often, but it is happening within Nick. My heart breaks thinking about the internal anguish he lives with on a daily basis. He seems to hide it well, doesn't he? But, watching my "tough" kid cry because his heart, mind, and spirit were falling apart and no one even knew crushed all that I am. I write this knowing that we have so many who read this and this is a cry of a mom's heart to pray for my child's heart, mind, and spirit. God has him in his hands, but his little spirit is internally battling the evil spirits of anxiety, fear, self worth, depression, and anger. Please take a few moments to pray over Nick, because I know I cannot do this on my own.
Someone once said, "it takes a village to raise our children." Please be our village for Nick...
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Our "waiting" season.
I never have time to just sit down and just write without interruptions, but when God opens a window of time in my day and says, "write. show them my goodness." I must obey. So, as my two beautiful blessings are currently playing nicely together, I write and share with you how God is moving within our family during our "waiting."
All our paperwork and applications have been completed and sent in to agencies and grant committees at this point. We are in what I call the "waiting" season of adoption. What are we "waiting" on.
First, we are waiting on continued approval for grants and funding. We are so honored and blessed to have been selected for a non interest covenant Loan with ABBA fund, recently. This loan will not cover all of our expenses, but it is definitely an answer to prayer for our family, if this is needed. We have two outstanding applications awaiting approval for grants, Show Hope and Gift of Adoption. We completely understand that we are most likely one of hundreds applying for these grants, so please pray alongside of us for favor in the Committees eyes for these grants. So, where are we at with our funding? We have about half of our funding needed for a match at this point, but we are not losing hope that the remainder will be here in just the right timing. Because, like God has always done...He will provide for the calling He has set us on.
Second, we are waiting for a special momma to choose us to care for and raise her little one into the Kingdom of God! We have been shown to some birth moms, but haven't been the right match for their little ones. We have not lost heart in these situations, knowing that God's perfect plan is in front of us and we will move into it with a trusting heart.
Third, we are living the life, God has set in front of us each day. Loving our boys, planning for Nick's schooling at home, preparing for Elijah to go to Mother's Day out (sniff, sniff), and gradually making changes to our home in preparation for our new one. In the middle of it all, God is moving! Through this adoption, thus far, we are learning that ultimately trusting God is the only way to make it through each day. He has given both of us different ways to learn to rely completely on Him and to bring us together for the sake of His calling on our family. You see, God works in our hearts individually in order to align each of us together for what He has prepared for us. We see are lessons in trusting Him beginning to align, but we still have some much needed work before that.
We pray that God will move in our family in a way that only He can and that He will be glorified, completely in all that is done. None of this is our doing, but all comes together because of God.
We are praying and exploring another fundraiser that we hope will fill a little more of our gap, so keep your eyes open on facebook and through e-mail for a link or information. In the meantime, if you feel led to give to our adoption with a tax-deductible donation, you can still donate through Life Song, which in a previous post I posted information on how to do that.
Blessings from the Stewart Clan!
All our paperwork and applications have been completed and sent in to agencies and grant committees at this point. We are in what I call the "waiting" season of adoption. What are we "waiting" on.
First, we are waiting on continued approval for grants and funding. We are so honored and blessed to have been selected for a non interest covenant Loan with ABBA fund, recently. This loan will not cover all of our expenses, but it is definitely an answer to prayer for our family, if this is needed. We have two outstanding applications awaiting approval for grants, Show Hope and Gift of Adoption. We completely understand that we are most likely one of hundreds applying for these grants, so please pray alongside of us for favor in the Committees eyes for these grants. So, where are we at with our funding? We have about half of our funding needed for a match at this point, but we are not losing hope that the remainder will be here in just the right timing. Because, like God has always done...He will provide for the calling He has set us on.
Second, we are waiting for a special momma to choose us to care for and raise her little one into the Kingdom of God! We have been shown to some birth moms, but haven't been the right match for their little ones. We have not lost heart in these situations, knowing that God's perfect plan is in front of us and we will move into it with a trusting heart.
Third, we are living the life, God has set in front of us each day. Loving our boys, planning for Nick's schooling at home, preparing for Elijah to go to Mother's Day out (sniff, sniff), and gradually making changes to our home in preparation for our new one. In the middle of it all, God is moving! Through this adoption, thus far, we are learning that ultimately trusting God is the only way to make it through each day. He has given both of us different ways to learn to rely completely on Him and to bring us together for the sake of His calling on our family. You see, God works in our hearts individually in order to align each of us together for what He has prepared for us. We see are lessons in trusting Him beginning to align, but we still have some much needed work before that.
We pray that God will move in our family in a way that only He can and that He will be glorified, completely in all that is done. None of this is our doing, but all comes together because of God.
We are praying and exploring another fundraiser that we hope will fill a little more of our gap, so keep your eyes open on facebook and through e-mail for a link or information. In the meantime, if you feel led to give to our adoption with a tax-deductible donation, you can still donate through Life Song, which in a previous post I posted information on how to do that.
Blessings from the Stewart Clan!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
"I love you, no matter what you do."
I often wonder why God has placed me onto the paths that I am on in my life and even admit to wishing that I was on another. If you have read the beginnings of this blog, you would know that our life has not been the easiest, but looking back we can all agree that God has blessed through the trials. Today, I felt as though I was both grateful for the path I was given and then wishing my path was the one next to mine.
The reason I am writing this post is to give you my transparent view of being a mother of a child affected by Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Where to even begin.....
My precious child, Nick, was born to a mother, who loved him dearly, yet was captured by alcohol and smoking. This in turn affected Nick's development and the rest of my child's life. I have written before about a day in the life of Nick, but never gave you the mindset of me as I am travelling through the day with him. Each day with Nick is never the same. We never know what our day is going to involve. Each morning as I spend my brief time with the Lord, I pray over him. I ask God to heal his mind, change his heart, and get him through the day with clarity. I then venture out and wake Nick up for the day.
I want you to understand that I love my child so extremely much that I couldn't imagine my life without him and that my thoughts are human thoughts and that God is doing a great work in my heart through Nick.
Honestly, as I go to get Nick up, my mind is fighting my heart ever so much as to whether or not I want to wake him up or not. You see, like I said before, I don't know what Nick's mindset will be in the morning. If I wake up Nick with a ," Hey Nick, we need to get up and get ready for .... " The response may be, "I don't want to." or "leave me alone." or "I love you mom." or "what are we doing today," or just nothing and refuses to get out of bed. If I wake Nick up with a, "Nick? are you ready to get up?" I may receive pretty much the same answers as above. It does not even matter how, what, or when I get Nick up, I truly do not know the response I will get. I am scared.
I try very hard to remember all of the great advice from the FASD group I'm a part of when talking with or to Nick. Such as, is this a behavior of defiance? Or perhaps, does he not understand my instructions? or maybe I said to much...slow it down...one step at a time. Or Maybe he didn't hear me. Wait, I have to remember he is really functioning half his age. Or maybe his brain is on shut down. Oh my! It's so hard to determine what is going on in his head because it's never the same when the action doesn't happen. I become overwhelmed.
Some people/friends try to understand our strict rules of no video games, limited tv, and no tv after dinner. Let me educate you a little bit on how my son's brain changes when he is overly visually stimulated. When a tv, video game, or even a phone with games for that matter, are placed in front my son, it's as if his "eyeballs become glued to the tv." Yep, I just said that. Jon and I use that term a lot! Nothing goes into Nick's brain and nothing comes out when he is getting this type of stimulation. I truly fear these moments, because when those things go away, my child's brain cannot readjust. What does that mean? A meltdown! I don't mean the whining and saying why can't I watch more, it's not fair. I mean the kicking, screaming, stomping, huffing, puffing, slamming meltdown. We had one of those tonight! So please do not be offended or think I am too strict when I say, Nick is not allowed to play video games when your kids come to visit, because then your child will not want to come again. So, what do we do when mom needs a break? Good question! I am exhausted.
I love the moments when Nick comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and says, "Mom, you are the best mom in the world! I love you so much!" This makes those constant battles, meltdowns, and breaks downs worth going through..... until it happens all over again..tomorrow. I feel loved and appreciated.
Being Nick's mom is truly an honor bestowed upon me by God. I doubt everyday my ability to be a mom to Nick and often wonder why and how I can keep going, but God is faithful and is my strength. There are even days when I sit in my room just crying and praying, please God heal my son, make this go away, yet knowing this is who God created and that God will be using Nick's story as an amazing testimony. I have days where I just want to hide as a meltdown ensues, but God pulls me out of the door to meet this head on and bring our child into the arms of God. Some days, I just want to pull him into my arms as his anxiety overwhelms him to the point of crying or withdrawal, but am learning to walk him through it in prayer and scripture. I have days, where I just want to pretend batteries, water guns, paper, and balloons never existed. We have some days, where I just want to sit in my bed out of pure exhaustion from the days many meltdowns, searching obsessions, and anxiety moments of done me in.
We strive to carve scripture into his heart so much that my child may not be able to remember his math facts, but he can recite so much scripture that God has imprinted into his heart for the battles that God is helping him and will continue to help him fight in the future.
Although each day brings me something different with Nick, I know that God will always be whispering to me through Nick, "Your the best mom in the world, and I love you so much!" God makes me the mom I am, faults and all, He still loves me unconditionally and if I teach Nick anything, I want him to know that as God loves us all no matter what we do, I love him no matter what you do!
The reason I am writing this post is to give you my transparent view of being a mother of a child affected by Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Where to even begin.....
My precious child, Nick, was born to a mother, who loved him dearly, yet was captured by alcohol and smoking. This in turn affected Nick's development and the rest of my child's life. I have written before about a day in the life of Nick, but never gave you the mindset of me as I am travelling through the day with him. Each day with Nick is never the same. We never know what our day is going to involve. Each morning as I spend my brief time with the Lord, I pray over him. I ask God to heal his mind, change his heart, and get him through the day with clarity. I then venture out and wake Nick up for the day.
I want you to understand that I love my child so extremely much that I couldn't imagine my life without him and that my thoughts are human thoughts and that God is doing a great work in my heart through Nick.
Honestly, as I go to get Nick up, my mind is fighting my heart ever so much as to whether or not I want to wake him up or not. You see, like I said before, I don't know what Nick's mindset will be in the morning. If I wake up Nick with a ," Hey Nick, we need to get up and get ready for .... " The response may be, "I don't want to." or "leave me alone." or "I love you mom." or "what are we doing today," or just nothing and refuses to get out of bed. If I wake Nick up with a, "Nick? are you ready to get up?" I may receive pretty much the same answers as above. It does not even matter how, what, or when I get Nick up, I truly do not know the response I will get. I am scared.
I try very hard to remember all of the great advice from the FASD group I'm a part of when talking with or to Nick. Such as, is this a behavior of defiance? Or perhaps, does he not understand my instructions? or maybe I said to much...slow it down...one step at a time. Or Maybe he didn't hear me. Wait, I have to remember he is really functioning half his age. Or maybe his brain is on shut down. Oh my! It's so hard to determine what is going on in his head because it's never the same when the action doesn't happen. I become overwhelmed.
Some people/friends try to understand our strict rules of no video games, limited tv, and no tv after dinner. Let me educate you a little bit on how my son's brain changes when he is overly visually stimulated. When a tv, video game, or even a phone with games for that matter, are placed in front my son, it's as if his "eyeballs become glued to the tv." Yep, I just said that. Jon and I use that term a lot! Nothing goes into Nick's brain and nothing comes out when he is getting this type of stimulation. I truly fear these moments, because when those things go away, my child's brain cannot readjust. What does that mean? A meltdown! I don't mean the whining and saying why can't I watch more, it's not fair. I mean the kicking, screaming, stomping, huffing, puffing, slamming meltdown. We had one of those tonight! So please do not be offended or think I am too strict when I say, Nick is not allowed to play video games when your kids come to visit, because then your child will not want to come again. So, what do we do when mom needs a break? Good question! I am exhausted.
I love the moments when Nick comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and says, "Mom, you are the best mom in the world! I love you so much!" This makes those constant battles, meltdowns, and breaks downs worth going through..... until it happens all over again..tomorrow. I feel loved and appreciated.
Being Nick's mom is truly an honor bestowed upon me by God. I doubt everyday my ability to be a mom to Nick and often wonder why and how I can keep going, but God is faithful and is my strength. There are even days when I sit in my room just crying and praying, please God heal my son, make this go away, yet knowing this is who God created and that God will be using Nick's story as an amazing testimony. I have days where I just want to hide as a meltdown ensues, but God pulls me out of the door to meet this head on and bring our child into the arms of God. Some days, I just want to pull him into my arms as his anxiety overwhelms him to the point of crying or withdrawal, but am learning to walk him through it in prayer and scripture. I have days, where I just want to pretend batteries, water guns, paper, and balloons never existed. We have some days, where I just want to sit in my bed out of pure exhaustion from the days many meltdowns, searching obsessions, and anxiety moments of done me in.
We strive to carve scripture into his heart so much that my child may not be able to remember his math facts, but he can recite so much scripture that God has imprinted into his heart for the battles that God is helping him and will continue to help him fight in the future.
Although each day brings me something different with Nick, I know that God will always be whispering to me through Nick, "Your the best mom in the world, and I love you so much!" God makes me the mom I am, faults and all, He still loves me unconditionally and if I teach Nick anything, I want him to know that as God loves us all no matter what we do, I love him no matter what you do!
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