Our "waiting" season.

I never have time to just sit down and just write without interruptions, but when God opens a window of time in my day and says, "write. show them my goodness."  I must obey.  So, as my two beautiful blessings are currently playing nicely together, I write and share with you how God is moving within our family during our "waiting."

All our paperwork and applications have been completed and sent in to agencies and grant committees at this point.  We are in what I call the "waiting" season of adoption.  What are we "waiting" on.

 First, we are waiting on continued approval for grants and funding.  We are so honored and blessed to have been selected for a non interest covenant Loan with ABBA fund, recently.  This loan will not cover all of our expenses, but it is definitely an answer to prayer for our family, if this is needed.  We have two outstanding applications awaiting approval for grants, Show Hope and Gift of Adoption.  We completely understand that we are most likely one of hundreds applying for these grants, so please pray alongside of us for favor in the Committees eyes for these grants.  So, where are we at with our funding?  We have about half of our funding needed for a match at this point, but we are not losing hope that the remainder will be here in just the right timing.  Because, like God has always done...He will provide for the calling He has set us on.

Second, we are waiting for a special momma to choose us to care for and raise her little one into the Kingdom of God!  We have been shown to some birth moms, but haven't been the right match for their little ones.  We have not lost heart in these situations, knowing that God's perfect plan is in front of us and we will move into it with a trusting heart.

Third, we are living the life, God has set in front of us each day.  Loving our boys, planning for Nick's schooling at home, preparing for Elijah to go to Mother's Day out (sniff, sniff), and gradually making changes to our home in preparation for our new one.  In the middle of it all, God is moving!  Through this adoption, thus far, we are learning that ultimately trusting God is the only way to make it through each day.  He has given both of us different ways to learn to rely completely on Him and to bring us together for the sake of His calling on our family.  You see, God works in our hearts individually in order to align each of us together for what He has prepared for us.  We see are lessons in trusting Him beginning to align, but we still have some much needed work before that.

We pray that God will move in our family in a way that only He can and that He will be glorified, completely in all that is done.  None of this is our doing, but all comes together because of God.

We are praying and exploring another fundraiser that we hope will fill a little more of our gap, so keep your eyes open on facebook and through e-mail for a link or information.  In the meantime, if you feel led to give to our adoption with a tax-deductible donation, you can still donate through Life Song, which in a previous post I posted information on how to do that.

Blessings from the Stewart Clan!

"I love you, no matter what you do."

I often wonder why God has placed me onto the paths that I am on in my life and even admit to wishing that I was on another.  If you have read the beginnings of this blog, you would know that our life has not been the easiest, but looking back we can all agree that God has blessed through the trials.  Today, I felt as though I was both grateful for the path I was given and then wishing my path was the one next to mine.  
The reason I am writing this post is to give you my transparent view of being a mother of a child affected by Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.  Where to even begin.....

My precious child, Nick, was born to a mother, who loved him dearly, yet was captured by alcohol and smoking.  This in turn affected Nick's development and the rest of my child's life.  I have written before about a day in the life of Nick, but never gave you the mindset of me as I am travelling through the day with him.  Each day with Nick is never the same.  We never know what our day is going to involve.  Each morning as I spend my brief time with the Lord, I pray over him.  I ask God to heal his mind, change his heart, and get him through the day with clarity.  I then venture out and wake Nick up for the day.

I want you to understand that I love my child so extremely much that I couldn't imagine my life without him and that my thoughts are human thoughts and that God is doing a great work in my heart through Nick.

Honestly, as I go to get Nick up, my mind is fighting my heart ever so much as to whether or not I want to wake him up or not.  You see, like I said before, I don't know what Nick's mindset will be in the morning.  If I wake up Nick with a ," Hey Nick, we need to get up and get ready for .... " The response may be, "I don't want to." or "leave me alone."  or "I love you mom." or "what are we doing today," or just nothing and refuses to get out of bed.  If I wake Nick up with a, "Nick?  are you ready to get up?" I may receive pretty much the same answers as above.  It does not even matter how, what, or when I get Nick up, I truly do not know the response I will get.  I am scared.

I try very hard to remember all of the great advice from the FASD group I'm a part of when talking with or to Nick.  Such as, is this a behavior of defiance?  Or perhaps, does he not understand my instructions?  or maybe I said to much...slow it down...one step at a time.  Or Maybe he didn't hear me.  Wait, I have to remember he is really functioning half his age. Or maybe his brain is on shut down.  Oh my!  It's so hard to determine what is going on in his head because it's never the same when the action doesn't happen.  I become overwhelmed.

Some people/friends try to understand our strict rules of no video games, limited tv, and no tv after dinner.  Let me educate you a little bit on how my son's brain changes when he is overly visually stimulated.  When a tv, video game, or even a phone with games for that matter, are placed in front my son, it's as if his "eyeballs become glued to the tv."  Yep, I just said that.  Jon and I use that term a lot!  Nothing goes into Nick's brain and nothing comes out when he is getting this type of stimulation.  I truly fear these moments, because when those things go away, my child's brain cannot readjust.  What does that mean?  A meltdown!  I don't mean the whining and saying why can't I watch more, it's not fair.  I mean the kicking, screaming, stomping, huffing, puffing, slamming meltdown. We had one of those tonight! So please do not be offended or think I am too strict when I say, Nick is not allowed to play video games when your kids come to visit, because then your child will not want to come again.  So, what do we do when mom needs a break?  Good question!  I am exhausted.


I love the moments when Nick comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and says, "Mom, you are the best mom in the world! I love you so much!"  This makes those constant battles, meltdowns, and breaks downs worth going through..... until it happens all over again..tomorrow.  I feel loved and appreciated.

Being Nick's mom is truly an honor bestowed upon me by God.  I doubt everyday my ability to be a mom to Nick and often wonder why and how I can keep going, but God is faithful and is my strength.  There are even days when I sit in my room just crying and praying, please God heal my son, make this go away, yet knowing this is who God created and that God will be using Nick's story as an amazing testimony.  I have days where I just want to hide as a meltdown ensues, but God pulls me out of the door to meet this head on and bring our child into the arms of God.  Some days, I just want to pull him into my arms as his anxiety overwhelms him to the point of crying or withdrawal, but am learning to walk him through it in prayer and scripture.  I have days, where I just want to pretend batteries, water guns, paper, and balloons never existed.  We have some days, where I just want to sit in my bed out of pure exhaustion from the days many meltdowns, searching obsessions, and anxiety moments of done me in.  

We strive to carve scripture into his heart so much that my child may not be able to remember his math facts, but he can recite so much scripture that God has imprinted into his heart for the battles that God is helping him and will continue to help him fight in the future.

Although each day brings me something different with Nick, I know that God will always be whispering to me through Nick, "Your the best mom in the world, and I love you so much!"  God makes me the mom I am, faults and all, He still loves me unconditionally and if I teach Nick anything, I want him to know that as God loves us all no matter what we do, I love him no matter what you do!

"Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

  This past week has been filled with blessings and downfalls for our family, which makes for an exhausting week.  God blessed us beyond our expectations at the beginning of the week, knowing that we were about to walk through some trials intended to stretch our hearts into more trusting, leaning, and seeking Him.  Hmm...interesting how God knows us so well!

On Sunday, Jon and I attended a Habitation service for Gateway in Southlake.  After the enemy kept trying to prevent us from going, we picked ourselves up and attended the most refreshing, renewing, and encouraging service we have attended in awhile!  The worship was amazing!  The testimonies of healing brought tears to our eyes and hope in our hearts!  The prayers for specific healing gave us a complete trust and belief that God has healed us!  We stood in the threshold for family, friends, and then for ourselves.  God moved in that service and we were personally touched!  I wasn't going to share our personal experience through this, but I feel this is how God will be glorified when God's promise is fulfilled.  There were Words of healing for many different illnesses, physical, mental, etc.  One of the pastors stood up and spoke a Word of Healing for couples dealing with infertility and the desire to get pregnant.  I looked at Jon and felt our time had past for this and our calling is now adoption.  Well, God answered that response with, "You may not think you can't get pregnant, because you have been dealing with it for so long and you feel you have moved on, but God's desire is still deep within you."  Ok, Lord...here we are!  Let's stand and declare that I am healed and you will pursue us!  As we stood for healing and for pregnancy, Tears streamed down my face.  I'm not sure if this was joy, sadness, fear, excitement or what, but I chose to depend completely on God in this situation and just let go of my desires and assumptions that I "thought" God wanted for me and believe that He is almighty and He is good!  We continued to worship and declare/pray for healing over many people in this service.  God moved!!
As we were getting ready to leave, weaving through the thousands of people that attended this service, a lady, Grace is her name, came up behind me and tap me on the shoulder.  I turned and she reached out to me and says, "I wanted to tell you, that God gave me a Word for you this evening.  He says you are healed and you will be pregnant soon."  My response as I'm holding back tears, "Really?! (my doubt!!)"  "Yes," she answers.  I asked her what her name was and gave her mine and just pulled her in for a hug, thanking her over and over for her courage and obedience.  Grace's name and face will be forever in my mind!  God enabled her to find me through the crowds of thousands ...rewind a bit..she was sitting down the aisle from me in the sanctuary... and give this encouraging Word from God... keep trusting and obeying me through adoption, because I'm not done with you yet and your deepest desires are still mine.  Your heart for adoption is not my only desire for you.  This was so encouraging for Jon and I.
This was the beginning of a few more blessings that occurred, but then the trials hit us.  Some dealing with Jon's job, our adoption with different situations, our kids, sickness, etc. I'm not going to lie, they were difficult and filled my mind with doubt, anxiety, and a feeling of confusion, but God woke me this morning, reminding me, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12.  I went to my knees a lot this week, but then slowly let my fears interfere with what God was trying to teach me.  It brings me back to his Word, "Trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...."

"Father, my life is yours!  I release my anxieties, hopes, and desires into your hands.  You do know the plans for me, not to harm, but to prosper.  You are refining my soul through trust and complete dependence on You. Thank you for never giving me anything that you know I can't handle, but giving me just enough to stretch my faith and complete trust in You."

Quick update on our adoption:  We have been shown to one birth mom, but was not a match for her.  Currently, we are being shown to a birth mom, whom is pregnant with a little one that we do not know the gender of.  Those of you who know me, know my extreme desire to adopt a little girl.  We felt God lead us to trust in Him and to be shown to her, regardless, because He knows what our family looks like and not us!  Trusting fully in Him.  

If you still have the desire to help us with our adoption, please let me know how you can fill our gap.

Trusting in God's Promises,
Tiffany

Mom; Guilty of disobedience. Nick; victim of mom's disobedience.

This post has been whirling around in my head for weeks... I hear the Lord whispering into my spirit and wanting me to be transparent.  Transparent to those I don't know, although I feel as though I have been so transparent and open to everyone through this blog, He continues to tell me, "transparent enough for everyone to see ME?"  Perhaps I am not being "transparent" in the eyes of the Lord.

You see, God moves in His time...never in the time I would like Him to move....but in perfect time.  His perfect time for healing, provision, and redirection.  I am by far NOT perfect and I am truly a struggling mom and woman striving to please everyone around me...yet I seem to have missed someone very important....My Father, My Creator.  This has been the area of redirection God has called me...yes, me..into these past ...oh 3 months or so.  What does this look like?  What does this mean?  I believe this looks different for each person, depending on where God wants to mold your character.  For me...it's Obedience.

Whoa!!  Obedience?!  Yes.  How can my children follow/obey me when I'm directly not obeying my Heavenly Father?  No, I'm not doing anything illegal in the eyes of this world.  Perhaps, I'm doing everything right in the eyes of this world, but I'm not obeying God, completely.  Confused, yet?  So was I when he spoke this into my heart.

God calls us to follow Him, to trust Him, completely.  When He says move, speak, or go, what should we do?  Wait a few days?  Perhaps a couple of months...or for me..years?  No, we should obey in faith knowing that He knows our path and the plans for us.  Why, now?  Good question that I have chosen to confess to the Lord my disobedience and lack of trust in Him, therefore I am forgiven and now can live freely in his arms....Now I'm not saying that I don't falter, have a time of fear, or lack of faith, but I can now recognize and feel the rebuking quite a bit faster than before.  My first huge leap of faith and obedience?

Here goes.... Many know that God called me to be a stay at home mom, perhaps years ago, but our fear of provision prevented us from taking that complete leap of faith until a year ago.  What I learned in that year has brought me to the point that I am right now.  God provided all our needs on one income... an income based on commission and complete trust on God's provision.  As we moved Nick from an amazing, small private school to a school where I would be teaching some of his concepts, we felt God's hand in this and felt this was a transition point for Nick and our family.  At the time, we were not quite sure what that was, but I was relieved to have special education assistance and the ability to work more and more with Nick at home.  As the year moved forward, God started speaking into my heart his educational plan for our children, again.

 Let me rewind a bit....  Nick has moved from a variety of different "traditional" school settings in his lifetime with this hovering thought that it was not quite right.  We couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong, but knew God knew and so we continued to be educational "nomads."  I had a feeling of inadequacy when it came to my child's needs and education, so we kept looking for help and the "perfect school" for Nick.

 Back to present... Well, God made it pretty clear this past spring as we were talking about how his first year at his school went and what he did and did not like about it.  The response we got was astounding and absolutely broke our hearts.  "Mom, it's okay.  I like my teachers, but I don't have any friends.  The kids don't like me."  He then proceeded to tell Jon in a separate conversation, "Dad, I don't feel 'safe' there." Holding back the tears as my child's heart is broken and we put him into this situation, because I felt inadequate and didn't obey God, years ago!!  So, I went through a time of frustration, anger, sadness, and just plain feeling sorry for myself, because my child was seeing a psychologist and I was making it worse because of the situation I put him in.  Guilty!!!!  Oh, Lord, please help us!!  This was my.... "Tiffany, it's time to obey Me completely and trust Me completely!" moment!

God spoke directly to me...
"I have equipped you, Tiffany.  Nick is your son because you are strong, you are patient, and your are loving.  I will fill you up in your moments of inadequacy, but rely on me, not yourself.  Continue to listen to me and obey me.  The path may not be easy, but I am with you and Nick is going to be a man after my heart because of your sacrifices.  Protect his heart and mind from conforming to the world.  He is so precious and needs your shelter."

What does this mean?  God has called us to home school Nick and our children.  I know...a bit scary, but I know that I must obey and trust God in faith that He will give me strength, energy, wisdom and knowledge to guide him.  More importantly, God will be able to work in His heart more closely and build his character to His and not the worlds.  I know many of you will think I am crazy and this is ridiculous, but I know in my heart and have had many forms of confirmation in this that I will choose to ignore the words and thoughts the enemy tries to plant and follow God in faith for my children's lives.  Yes, I know.  It will not always be easy, but God is in control and God has surrounded me with so much support that we cannot fail.  What does Nick think?  Well...in the past, Nick refused this thought, but he is so excited about this that he is telling everyone and even started his curriculum this summer!  If that's not a direct confirmation of God's will....I don't know what else would be!

Our lives our continuously in motion, but we are moving in the waves of our Father instead of the world's.  We ask that you pray for our family and that we continue to listen and obey our Father.  Another post soon on our adoption update!!

Moving forward with our adoption....

As many of you know, we are in the process of adopting our third little one.  You also know, that this has been in direct obedience to God's call on our family.  We are in complete reliance and trust in Him when it comes to funding our adoption and many have prayed and helped in our adoptions.  We are forever grateful for you support in bringing a child into the arms of our family and out of the possibility of an orphan.  We are currently working with Lifesong through a Matching grant to help with part of our funding.  If you feel called to help with this part of our adoption, please read the letter below.  Even if you wish to pray, specifically, for this adoption, please read this letter.  We are so grateful for all of your love, support, and prayers as we walk this road of obedience to our Father.

April 14, 2013                                                                                                                                                            

Dear Family and Friends,

This past November, we felt prompted by the Lord to continue to expand our family and adopt a third child, a baby from the United States. At the time, the urging from the Lord surprised us. From a financial perspective, we didn’t seem ready for a third adoption. We were still in the process of rebuilding our reserves from Elijah’s adoption. However, something that our adoption journeys for Nick and Elijah have taught us is: “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps,” Proverbs 16:9. Ready or not, the Lord said “Move,” so we began…again.

After Elijah’s adoption, we knew that we were not done adopting. However, God’s calling on us to adopt is more than about us having a bigger family. Adoption is very much on the heart of Our Heavenly Father. Psalm 68:5,6 reads, “A father to the fatherless…God sets the lonely in families….” God uses adoption to change a child’s story. Nick’s birth mom was an alcoholic, and Elijah’s birth mom was homeless. Tiffany and I often wonder: Where would they be without adoption? More importantly, where would they be without many of you? If you are reading this letter, it’s because you have sown into both of their lives in such amazing ways. Now, will you help us change another child’s story?

The biggest challenge facing us is the finances to bring our third child home. We estimate the total cost for the adoption agency fees, document preparation, and attorney fees to be $30,000. This is money we do not have right now, but we know God is faithful and will supply all our needs. By God’s grace, we have raised $10,000 thus far between our own funds, the generosity of others in a TShirt fundraiser, and Jon’s employer reimbursement. Some of you may be aware of another fundraiser that we attempted. It did not pan out as we had hoped, but God told us to “rest in Him.” So, here we are.

 Honestly, our family is very humbled having to ask our family and friends for additional financial support. However, God has called us to be in community within the Body of Christ, and He has called us to make our needs known to fellow brothers and sisters. We are so blessed by your friendship, and we would like to ask you to pray and consider helping us in our adoption. There are two ways you can help change another child’s story:

1. Prayer – Please pray for our precious baby. Pray for a healthy pregnancy for the baby and the birth mother. Pray for the birth mother that God would give her peace and comfort as she prepares her heart to place her child for adoption. Pray that God would prepare the hearts of Nicholas and Elijah to have a new baby sister/brother.

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2. Financial Support – Please prayerfully consider making a tax deductible donation to help us pay the remaining $20,000 to bring our baby home.

Lifesong for Orphans (www.lifesongfororphans.org) and Legacy685 have partnered together to create a $2,500 Matching Grant on our behalf. So, whatever you give is doubled.

If you feel led to support us financially, please make checks payable to: “Lifesong for Orphans” and write this information in the memo line “preference Stewart #3546 adoption.”  *Note. In following IRS guidelines, your donation is to the named non profit organization. This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the donor’s suggested use.               

Please mail checks to:

            Lifesong for Orphans

            PO Box 40 / 202 N. Ford St.

            Gridley, IL 61744

Thank you so much for helping us to change a child’s story with your prayers and financial support.  Investing in this child’s life is an investment with an eternal return! (Matt 6:20). We will be sure to keep you updated as our adoption progresses.

Resting in Him,

Jonathan, Tiffany, Nicholas, and Elijah Stewart

http://stewartfamilyjourney.blogspot.com

Mothers...See as God sees you....

The woman I see is completely different than the woman God sees.  I see a woman struggling to understand, taking each day in grace and mercy with difficult decisions to make for her children's futures.  Hoping that each decision is not the wrong one.  I see a woman whose body is ripping to shreds and decreasing in size as  the years advance.  I see and feel a daily physical pain inside my body that won't subside, regardless of doctors' tests and medicines.  I see weakness in my faith, even though God has proven over and over again his faithfulness to me.  I see my short comings as a wife, a mother, as a friend, as a sister, a daughter.  Am I supportive enough and encouraging enough to my husband?  Am I raising my children the way God desires me to raise them?  Am I understand of their needs?  Am a friend to those in need or just need to talk?  Am I good listening ear?  I see my lack of trust in provision, even as God has provided when He called me to stay at home.  I see a veil covering the miracles that God wants to rain over my life because I can't seem to fall, completely, into His arms, letting go of all expectations I have set for myself.  I see a human girl wanting to be free of these struggles, diseases, and worries.  I wand to let go...I want to be free...Don't you?

As I look into the mirror with these exact thoughts overflowing my heart, my mind, and my whole being...a feeling of anxiety and fear begin to creep in, until God shuts it out and says, "STOP."  Close your eyes and see what I see...

My beautiful daughter.... A daughter of the Most High!  Daughter, I see a daughter, a woman that loves until she can't love no more.  I see a daughter who is a mother to all; to children of others, a mother of orphans, a mother to the sick, a mother to those in need.  I see a daughter living each day to please Me and Me alone.  I see a daughter sacrificing for her children, giving up the career she worked years for, to raise them to see Me as Me and not the world's view of God.  A woman who sacrifices her time to sit and teach her children and lend a listening ear to anyone in need.  A daughter who sacrifices everything to be the best mother, daughter, friend, wife, and sister she can strive to be.  I see a daughter who sits and prays for her family, her children, her father, her sisters and brothers and prays them to see Me and love Me and as I desire.  I see her pouring blessings over people she comes into contact with.  Daughter..please see this vision.  Look deep within and see the woman I see:

                                I see my daughter dancing, freely, in my rays of light without worry, 
                             without pain, without disease, without fear, and in my glorious presence.  

Daughter, see what I see and walk with me into the life I desire for you.  You are a precious jewel and a beautiful creation in my sight.  Remember, what I see is how I want you to see yourself, so that you may walk in my freedom and my kingdom.  Never forget....


You are a daughter of the Most High, therefore you are Royalty, deserving all                                                       my riches and glory as you walk with Me.

5 years ago, God confirmed his promise....Nick

Wow!  5 years ago, today, Nicholas went from being orphaned for the second time to being our sweet son!  The 6 month journey leading up to this most amazing moment in our lives was not so easy, but completely worth it.

I reflect on the past five years and remember the wonderful moments and the extremely trying moments, but each moment shared with a child placed into our home on this very day five years ago.  I remember that day, vividly, as does Nick.  Sitting outside the judge's courtroom, waiting patiently with a six year old, five days shy of being 7 years old and the feeling of joy swelling my heart.  The excitement and happiness in Nick's eyes were unforgettable, knowing that he was with his mom and dad, forever!



Nick has brought so much joy to Jon and my heart and confirmed God's calling on our lives through his adoption.  God has turned an orphan into a vessel of hope and true perseverance in God's plan over our lives.  We are so grateful for May 6th and will forever celebrate this day in our family!  The day that we aligned our hearts with God's vision for our family and the adoption of this precious kid!