Miracles still happen ....

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will  be opened." 

                                                                                                                         -- Matthew 7:7-8

I'm sure most of you have come to realize when I post in our blog that God is about to move or is moving within our family.  Well, you are absolutely right! God has proven once again that He is so incredibly faithful and good as we continue to walk in extreme faith and trust in His plan alone and not our own.  

Let us begin with how God has brought our family through some major hurdles that could only be overcome with trust and faith in Him.   

We discovered six months into marriage (spring of 2004) that Tiffany had stage 4 (5 is the worst) endometriosis. Surgery removed it, and her doctor encouraged us to try and get pregnant. She said that the chances for success were higher now since all the endometriosis had been cleaned out. However, it did not happen, and the disease grew back, So came a second surgery and then a third.

By 2006, we were seeing a fertility specialist. After other unsuccessful fertility treatments, we opted to do invitro fertilization. I remember waiting by the phone all day and then getting the call. "I am so sorry the test came back negative." Our hearts were broken. Our spirits crushed. I remember saying the words, "God must hate us." What other reason could there be that we could not get pregnant? Throughout these three years, we had prayed diligently for pregnancy and had others praying for us. We had meditated upon the passage in Psalm 37:4. "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." So, I asked God, "Since we are following you Lord, how come you are not giving us the desire of our heart?" To reveal the answer, the Lord took us on an incredible journey. 

We put the pregnancy quest on the back burner for the next few years. The passing of Tiffany's mother and then our subsequent adoption of her adopted son, Nicholas took our lives on a different course. By 2010, we had established some normalcy with Nick, and we decided that he needed a sibling. Still not pregnant, we considered going the fertility route again, but the Lord had other plans. 

In February 2010, Lou Engle gave an impassioned message on the church taking an active role in adoption in America to end abortion in America. I felt the Lord say in my spirit, "Jonathan, that message is for you and Tiffany." My heart nearly leaped out of my chest. I wept as I went to the front of our church to pledge our lives to the Lord's plan for our family. 

What followed were the adoptions of our three other children: Elijah in June 2011, Isabel, in  December 2013, and Isaiah, in December 2014. Each adoption has it own amazing story (and own blog post for that matter), but let me quickly go back to something the Lord showed me during our calling to adopt Isaiah. In October 2014, Tiffany and I were having a getaway to spend time together to seek the Lord for the direction of our family. Our desire to get pregnant remained strong and we spent time together expressing that to the Lord. 

First, He gave us a verse, Psalm 27:13-14. "I am still confident of this. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

The Lord had been incredibly good to us. We had three beautiful, healthy children, but to the both of us, our family still felt incomplete. What follows in an excerpt from my journal that October day.

             I asked of the Lord, "Does Your goodness involve us getting pregnant and giving birth to a                 healthy, strong baby?"

           "My child, I always desire life."

            I asked, "So,then why aren't we pregnant or have ever gotten pregnant?"

            "Because in your and Tiffany's case pregnancy can't precede the promise." 

             The promise..."Walk in My Will and My Way and the blessings will flow."

What followed then was God's call for us to adopt again although we weren't ready because it was His will/desire for us. His desire which quickly became our desire. So, followed little Isaiah two months later. But, "the promise" the Lord spoke to me is something that I will come back to shortly.

Fast forward to a year later - October 2015. We have four beautiful, healthy children, and we are satisfied with our family. However, the desire to get pregnant still lingers. Something awesome to know is that Tiffany no longer has endometriosis! The Lord healed her from it back in 2013 we believe. So, she has had a clean bill of health from her doctor for a couple years now yet still not pregnant. So, we decide if we cannot get pregnant within the year, it may be time for Tiffany to get a hysterectomy. The emotional pain of being reminded monthly that she is not pregnant is getting to be too much for her to bear after hoping and praying for eleven and a half years. I gave her my support, and we prayed again for pregnancy the same way we had prayed for the last eleven and half years. And then.........IT HAPPENED!

We can't believe our eyes with the first pregnancy test, but there is a faint second line.

Just to confirm, we take another the next morning, and it says "YES" ! Wow, we are pregnant. We are really pregnant. Praise the Lord! Jesus you are unfailing, faithful and forever good!

The goodness of the Lord had been revealed to us more and more through each adoption, and now it had come full circle with our pregnancy. Let me further explain. You remember when I asked the Lord during our darkest hour, "If we are delighting ourselves in You Lord, then why are You not giving us the desires of our heart?" The problem with my question to the Lord was that I misunderstood His Truth found in that passage, Psalm 37:4. Through our incredible journey, God taught me and Tiffany that if we truly delighted ourselves in Him and became captivated fully in His presence then the desires of our heart would be His desires for us. Going back to "the promise" spoken to us in October 2014, "Walk in My Will and My Way and the blessings will flow." The Father's Will and Way (desires) for us was to adopt first...well first, second, third and fourth. Something I asked Tiffany the other day was, had we gotten pregnant sooner, would there be an Elijah, an Izzy, an Isaiah? Proverbs 16:9 reads, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." From the beginning, we thought we knew the right way to build a family, but the Father knew the best way for us. We cannot imagine our lives without our Nick, Elijah, Izzy, and Isaiah. Praise Jesus for them!

Now, I want to be clear in saying that our journey from infertility to adoption to pregnancy is not every couple's journey that struggles with infertility. The Lord has a unique calling for each of us. However, I hope this encourages you if you are reading it and you are struggling with infertility. The Father loves you beloved! He is not mad at you! He has not forgotten about you! But let's face it, God is so unpredictable and such a mystery, which is what makes Him....well God. You've probably have read Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." But have you read the rest of it? Verse 10, "As the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." 

So, if the Lord has given you a word about becoming pregnant, cling to it! His Words do not return null and void, but they bear fruit!

 From the beginning of our marriage, we had a desire to become pregnant. When we could not get pregnant, we asked of the Lord, "Lord if you don't want us to become pregnant, then take that desire away." However, He did not take away the desire. Instead, He backed up our desire with various prophetic words from others over the years stating that "You will get pregnant!" So, another thing the Lord taught us through this long journey is to pray, pray some more, and keep praying. Persistent prayer is key as stated in Matthew 7:7-8. Ask, Seek, Knock is actually translated in the Greek as Ask and Keep Asking, Seek and Keep Seeking, Knock and Keep Knocking. (I gleaned that tidbit from one of my pastor friends). Your answer is coming beloved! Don't give up. 

So we are happy to announce that after 12 years, we are pregnant!  Our due date is July 17th and only 3 days shy of Tiffany' mom's birthday on the 20th! 

I am your "Super" in your "Supermom"

I live in God's never failing grace every single day that I wake up.  Although, as soon as the alarm on my phone goes off, I am immediately ready to sink back under the blankets, turn off the baby monitor with one of my four blessings crying to get out of their bed,  and pretend that it's still the middle of the night.  That grace, that strength, that patience, that endurance, that kindness, that peace, that "perfect super" mom is nowhere to be found.  I just can't do it today, as I sat there sobbing.... 

This has been a massive burden on this incredibly blessed mom of four's mind, heart, and spirit lately.  Once the mom and woman that everyone looked up to because of her strength, her extreme patience, her continuous energy, her generosity, and her kindness.  She was now the mom that couldn't do it anymore. I felt as though I was sinking into a state of overwhelming sadness and depression.  I would just sit on my couch, blanket covering my freezing body, in unrelenting tears of sadness...not even knowing why I was crying, but thinking I just want to walk out my front door, but my feet felt like lead.  Then I would start sobbing into my hands..."What is wrong with me?" "I am a mess!" "I'm a terrible mom!" "I am not meant to stay home!" "Why did God give me a child with special needs, and three little ones?" This was terrifying and overwhelming all at the same time! I couldn't figure out how I was suppose to take care of four children's needs, home school, run a home business, prepare for my language arts class and speech therapy, and then God calls us to co lead a group! I JUST CAN'T DO IT! Jesus?!!! I. CAN'T. DO. THIS.!! This went on for over a week.... but for every single month for the past 3 months.  

This may seem very trivial and ridiculous to some of you with all of the worlds problems at our feet, but my world seemed to be caving in around me.  In the days that followed my mom's passing, I felt this deep state of sadness and overwhelming feeling of not being able to move on ever again.  All of this rushed back into my mind and took over my whole being all over again! I was scared to drive my car, worrying that anxiety would attack and I would be lost again! I dug desperately into God's Word, feeling empty still! My heart was captive! It was being held hostage to lies and I couldn't free them! I kept it all a secret, with only my husband and children watching me shriveling away. 

I finally broke down to one of my dear friends, explaining all of what was going on and not holding back any of the details.  I had to be transparent. I had to release these lies and get help! I need someone else to intercede!! As I talked, she listened and then she said something that immediately drew me out of this feeling of something is horribly wrong with me.. "Tiffany... I walked through this. I know exactly how you feel." She went on to describe everything I was feeling and then continued with feelings that I hadn't even said yet. I immediately thought, "What's wrong with us?" "Nothing!!" "Nearly every mom of little ones, especially moms in our circumstances..this many little ones and special needs children..go through this. It's so hard, but you will get through this season, Tiffany. God will get you through this. Lean on him." It's like chains were broken! I sat down on our chair, in a sense of utter relief! I'm not alone! I finally began to feel as though I could live again! 

 AND THEN.....it hit me harder than a brick.. I literally felt as though I had run head first into the bricks of my house! Somewhere deep inside, I was still clinging to those relentless and awful lies.  Those lies paralyzed me, physically! Shooting pain through my body that I have never experienced before! I couldn't sit without extreme pain, lay down without extreme pain.  My head and neck throbbed day and night for two weeks straight. I couldn't sleep at night, anymore. I could barely take care of my children I was in so much pain!

 LORD!!! I cried out!!! What is wrong with me!! 

"Be still and know that I am God." 

GRACE... Tiffany... Walk daily in my grace...live each moment in my grace.  I am your strength! I am your "Super" in your "supermom" title.  You have to allow me to be, though, by humbling yourself before me!  You cannot do it all, because I can! If you could do it all, would you rely on and trust me daily?  You will not get everything on "your" to do list done each day, but if you listen to me and walk humbly with me each day, you will get everything done on "my" to do list! 

So for all those moms out there who feel like your the worst mom ever... stop listening to those lies and walk in the grace God has given you! Let God be your "Super!" Let's focus on God's To do List, not our own because God's To Do list is way more important that ours! Be encouraged that God is with you and you are not walking this journey alone!

"God Spoke, and They Listened"

"Our God is consistent, but also unpredictable. God has called you to see the invisible and do the impossible, God has not called you to do the things you can do, but he has called you do the things you will never be able to do in a million years.  Only He can do it. He has called you to live in his faithfulness." - Graham Cooke


This journey was simply about our complete obedience and whole hearted faithfulness to follow God into deep waters.  We simply decided to say 'Yes' when He said to move.  This is Isaiah's story: (names have been changed out of love and respect)

Isaiah's journey began with trembling and scary feeling of discernment with me.  We were suppose to go on a business trip for Jon's work, but I was absolutely rattled that for some reason we were not suppose to go.  I spent days praying, crying, and reaching out to my dear friends for guidance before sitting down with Jon to pour out my uneasiness for this trip.  After much prayer and seeking The Lord, Jon decided to cancel the trip, but instead take us to the Hill country to spend much needed time away to pray and to seek the Lord about our family.  After this trip, it was made clear that God was pressing on my heart, not fear or the enemy.

While we were in the Hill Country, we spent much needed time resting and sitting outside overlooking the beautiful fall colors and countryside.  On the afternoon of October 25th, Jon and I decided to take our journals, Bibles, and worship music to one of our favorite spots at the resort overlooking the hills and just pray, worship, and listen to the Lord.  We both encountered God, but Jon's encounter was extremely amazing: (excerpts from Jon's journal)

"I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord." Psalm 27; 13-14

The Lord: Walk in my will and in my way and the blessings will flow.
Jon: But, Lord have we not done that? Three adoptions and we've talked about adopting more, but maybe not yet.
The Lord: Why not yet? Did I say not yet?
Jon: No I just wasn't listening to hear you say adopt again.
The Lord: Well, you're listening now.
Jon: Lord, I'm just trying to adjust to life, 3 kids, bigger house, bigger mortgage, higher work goals.
The Lord: Look, Jonathan what lies before you (scenery of the hill country). I created every tree, every leaf, every hill, every rock, every speck of dirt.  Nothing happens apart from me. I hold your life in my hand. My scripture says to wait on me, not to wait on you, complete trust, true faith. It's not about waiting on yourselves to be ready.  It's about moving forward in faith knowing I will lead the way.

As Jon shared this with me, all I could do was cry.  Feelings of overwhelming inadequacy flooded me, yet a feeling of peace filled my heart.  We sat in prayer and complete worship for another 30 minutes or so and decided to wait on Him with what we were to do next.

On our drive home, tears of humility, honor, inadequacy, joy washed over me.  My thoughts wandered into the question of why us, Lord? Why now? How am I going to be able to handle another adoption?  I became overtaken with thoughts of "I can't do this, I am unworthy of this."  Then He reminded with such kindness and directness : You are able to do this and only with me and my strength can you do it. Trust and follow me."  This is when we heard the above quote from Graham Cooke:

  "Our God is consistent, but also unpredictable. God has called you to see the invisible and do the impossible, God has not called you to do the things you can do, but he has called you do the things you will never be able to do in a million years.  Only He can do it. He has called you to live in his faithfulness." 

On our way home, we sought the Lord as to what we were suppose to do first.  He clearly spoke to us both and told us, "Take this one step at a time and do only as I tell you to do, nothing more, nothing less.  Trust me."  We were to contact four people, alone: our Case worker to start our home study, Jon's parents, and two of my dear friends for consistent prayer.

As we entered back into our lives of chaos and fast pace life, God continued to pursue and push us forward.  As we began to make contacts, we began to worry about what others would think.  They are going to think we are crazy to adopt a fourth! What in the world are you doing?  Izzy isn't even one yet.  This began to eat at my mind, until the Lord directed Jon to His Word: "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Corinthians 1:25  The impossible and simply out of the box desires of God are always within reach with Him alone.  We chose to continue to trust and obey Him.

We sought out our caseworker, started preparing our documents, background checks, and medicals for the homestudy.  As part of a homestudy, medical forms have to be filled out on every member of the family.  This seemed impossible for me because I had no other reason to take my children to the pediatrician other than to have this form filled out.  I asked the Lord to give me wisdom on how I was to complete their medicals.  That same evening as I was taking Nick to his gym, Nick said to me, "mom, look at my toe.  It hurts so bad and it's oozing something."  Needless to say, we now had a reason to see the pediatrician and have our medicals filled out.  God opened a door, when I tried to close it.  At that moment, I knew God was in complete control and this adoption was all about Him and was going happen regardless of me.

A few days following this, the Lord spoke to me: "Continue to rest in my presence and peace, daily, yet pursuing the mission I have set you on.  Adoption.  This is about me completely, this time.  Your family will grow, but the timing, the situation, the adoption is all Me this time. Continue to listen to me for each step to take.  I am moving at my pace, quickly, steadfast, and perfectly.  Flow with me and follow me and I will carry you through."

During the next week or so, we continued to listen to the Lord, yet move forward in our lives with our children. God continued to sow into our hearts His heart for adoption and weave it so deeply in our souls and hearts in preparation for Isaiah.

"Adoption goes much deeper than increasing your family, Tiffany.  Adoption is my hand selected, chosen, predestined children to live in my presence, my glory, and my kingdom.  I have chosen you and Jon to raise them and guide them into my kingdom and to listen fully to Me.  I have chosen them to be loved by you, but more importantly I have chosen them to bring glory to me, to fulfill my purpose, make me known.  Raise them with overflowing love and compassion, with sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, and to know Me and my presence."

Thanksgiving approached without anymore direction from The Lord, except to wait and then I happened upon a post on Facebook.  Of all the places...God continued His adoption through Facebook!  I always say, "God has a sense of humor!"

On December 4th I wrote:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 8-9

In the past week, Lord, you have turned our lives into this amazing whirlwind of trusting you and learning to completely let you lead in every moment.  I met a woman through Facebook, of all places, who was seeking adoption for her nephew.  As I read her post, I heard your voice directly, "Pray over her, contact her, and guide her." I entered into their lives as a new friend, prayer warrior, and a guide through adoption.  Carol had posted on FB that her sister in law was pregnant and wanted to place her baby for adoption and they had no idea what or who to go to for this.  My heart was drawn to her.  I met with Rebecca (who was very emotional) and her her sister in law, Carol, on a Sunday late afternoon.  I had the honor of praying over them and talking with them about adoption and giving them advice.  I walked away knowing God's hand was there.  I continued to pray from them and for God to give them wisdom and guidance as they were meeting with a potential adoptive family.  Through it all, I had complete peace that it was all your will not my own.  The meeting with the other family did not go as well as she had hoped, which led her to ask Jon and I to adopt baby "Max."

Father, I feel so overwhelmed, yet at peace, so nervous, yet excited.  Lord, you are my strength and my peace.  Your will, not my own.  Please give us wisdom and guidance.

At this point, only our close friends knew about this and then the Lord pressed into our hearts to seek out a group of prayer warriors to pray fervently over Rebecca, Carol, baby, and over us.  These warriors became an integral part of Isaiah's life before He made his appearance.
The following day, Carol, the sister in law, whom Rebecca was living with at this time, revealed to me that Rebecca had been using drugs all throughout her pregnancy. She hasn't used since she has been living with her, as far as she knew.  I vividly remember this conversation as I was driving to swim lessons and my heart, mind, body were frozen in fear.  I started questioning everything!  I hesitantly told Jon, knowing he would not be open to it, but told him then went into swim lessons.  On our way home, I turned up my worship music and worshipped the Lord through prayer and song asking Him to speak and give us wisdom.

Lord, what do we do??  Dear Tiffany.  Trust me. You will call him Isaiah Maximus, because I am his greatest salvation!  I have saved him from the depths of the darkness.  "In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues." Psalm 31:20

We continued to press into the Lord and trust Him with this adoption and sent out our newest prayer request: Protection and wisdom.

On December 10th, I received a frantic call from Carol that Rebecca was deciding to spend the night with her boyfriend and supplier of the drugs.  Carol was terrified that she would do drugs with him and it would harm the baby.  We, too, began to become worried, but decided to press in and pray fervently and reach out to our group of prayer warriors!  God moved and intervened!!
The very next day, she came back and told Carol that as soon as she got to the hotel, she started vomitting non stop...meaning she was unable to take any drugs!  Perhaps not the way I would have done things, but God has his own ways of protecting his children!  Jon and I were completely floored by this and knew, Isaiah and Rebecca were chosen by Him for a beautiful purpose!

We continued to pray over and with them and prepare our hearts for baby's arrival, when yet another twist came into the story to show God's extreme faithfulness and glory would prevail!  On December 17th, Carol and Rebecca met with the social worker working with the lawyer and at the last minute decided they wanted to go an agency route, instead of a direct placement.  What this means is that Rebecca would receive money/assistance for up to 6 weeks after baby is born.  This also meant that the cost to adopt went up exponentially for us.  We prayed and again, reached out to our prayer warriors for God's wisdom.  In our hearts, we knew this was not the direction God wanted us, so we had to release this into his hands completely, knowing we could not afford this route and that either God would provide or circumstances would take a different directions.  Rebecca was not happy with our decision, but we knew God was ultimately in control and we continued to pray for her and baby, not knowing what would happen.

On December 20th, I was sitting at home with a very sick Izzy praying fervently, "Lord if this is meant to be please let Rebecca go into labor quickly and make this decision for her."  This became the prayer of our warriors as well!

At 9:30p, I got a frantic call and text from them, saying that Rebecca's water broke!! Rebecca said, "I will do direct placement, I want to place my baby with you and Jon.  Please come to the hospital!  Once again, God moved!!  I called Jon, who was at his parents, and he rushed home!  We made it to the hospital with about 10 minutes to spare before they took her back!  The last thing she said before going back was, "Tiffany, I prayed this morning, Father if you want Jon and Tiffany to have baby Max, please let me go into labor today."  Guess what?! The Lord answered her. An hour after that prayer Rachel's water broke! The amazing thing... this is the first time (she has three other children) that her water broke with her pregnancy.

Mr. Isaiah made his debut at 11:50p.  He was beautiful!  Quiet at first, but after a thorough exam, he looked perfect!  The hospital kept a very close eye on little bits, but he never had any withdrawal symptoms and appeared perfectly healthy!  God's protection on this child has been nothing short of a miracle and we know that God's plan for Isaiah is going to far exceed anything we can ever imagine!
We are still in complete awe of God's faithfulness, protection, and glory in this journey to Isaiah!  I want to ask you. Jon and I pray Ephesians 3:20-21 over each of you as you read this.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen!"


Photos courtesy of Jaime Truman with www.truphotography.me.
Embroidery courtesy of Sherri Kring with Chloe's Wings. (The words on gown and title of this blog are words spoken to Sherri from the Lord, before we brought Baby Isaiah home. )

Baby Girl Stewart has arrived!!

The last few days have been such a roller coaster ride!  Last I left you, we were about to wait out another two days before our daughter would be here.  We managed to keep ourselves busy with some Christmas shopping, but it was definitely hard not to think about Shannon and our daughter.

On December 11th, we had the honor of taking Shannon to her final doctors appointment and to her pre admittance appointment at the hospital.  I was thrilled because I had the best conversations with her and truly got to know her heart.  After this day, we felt like we had known each other forever!!  I knew what made her tick, when she started feeling anxious, and then how to calm her down.  She had become part of our family!!  We all felt really great and a huge peace about placement.  That night we came home feeling great, yet we still had that little butterfly in our stomachs about her signing over.

On December 12th, We woke up at 5:00am to take Shannon to the hospital for her C-section!  She was so nervous, as I would be in that situation and her anxiety was high.  They took her back for preperation, without me, and she was back there forever.  I felt the Lord's prompting to ask about her, because in my heart, I felt something wasn't right and she was upset.  I went up and asked about her, they said she was in her room and a nurse was hugging her!  (this is how connected God has made us..I knew she was upset)  They moved quicker to get us back to her and the nurse that came to get us, told us that she had adopted her little boy and was sharing that with Shannon.  She then told us that she prayed with Shannon too!  This was amazing!  God was showing us His presence in this every step of the way.  We sat with a very nervous Shannon and then prayed over her.  It was such a sweet moment.  It was then time to head down to surgery.  As they prepared her, I got into my scrubs and patiently waited to go in to comfort her through the c-section.  Sitting next to her head, wiping the tears from her eyes and speaking God's peace over her was one of the best moments of this journey.  Then, the doctor said, "Stand up.  Look."  Out came my daughters rear, legs, and her entire beautiful body!  It was amazing!  Incredible!  I wanted so much to go right over to her, but God held my heart and I stayed with Shannon, continuing to comfort her.  They brought baby girl over and I motioned for her to be taken to Shannon's head.  It was beautiful!!  Shannon spoke softley to her and gave her a kiss and then drifted off to sleep.  I then got up and was able to hold her for the first time.  Be still my heart!  I was in love with this 9.8 pound bundle of baby joy!  We followed up to the nursery for the doctor to weigh her, check her blood sugar, etc.  Her blood sugar was low, but eventually rose to the level they wanted.  She was/is perfect.  Jon and I were able to watch the examination by the doctor and nurse, then her bath.  I have to say, the doctors and nurses at this hospital were phenomenal and so understanding!!  We were then notified that Shannon was back in her room, so we left to be with her.  She was groggy, anxious, and ready to see baby girl.  About 15 minutes into our visit, she was becoming agitated, so we requested for baby to come down and then Shannon asked us to leave and wanted the remainder of the day with baby and her kids by herself.  We were heartbroken, but understood.  Jon had not yet held her in his arms.  We were crushed.  We obliged, but snuck up to the nursery and the Doctor and nurse let us come back to at least give her kisses and say goodbye until the next day.  We went back to the hotel, sad, but happy, and hopeful for our signing the next day.

On December 13th, we met caseworker at breakfast with the hope to go to the hospital to see our daughter and praying we would sign papers today.  While at breakfast, Shannon asked us to wait.  Sad, but we released it to the Lord.  We went back up there a little after noon and the caseworker informed us that Shannon wanted to sign before her next pain med dose at 2pm.  The caseworker quickly got a notary, and we grabbed lunch for Shannon.  By the time we got back from getting lunch, Shannon had already signed all of the paperwork!  We signed our part and a huge sigh of relief went through us hearts!  We were ready to see our daughter, but Shannon's mental state was not well and was getting increasingly upset, so we had to leave.  We went back to the hotel with caseworker, frustrated, angry, and confused.  At about 7:00p, caseworker check with Shannon, again, and said we could come up and bring her kids their Christmas gifts.  We were ecstatic!!  It was amazing.  The kids were thrilled and loved the items we got them!  Jon finally got to hold his beautiful daughter!!  We left tonight, our hearts full, our minds at peace, and ready to bring our daughter home! 

We now wait for mom to be discharged from hospital.  The doctor said not until Sunday, but Shannon hopes to leave tomorrow.  We really hope she is discharged tomorrow, so we may bring baby girl back to our hotel and love on her all we want!!  She will not be discharged until Shannon is... 

I tell you what, this journey has been the most difficult journeys our hearts have been a part of.  We are so grateful for the journey, because God has been chiseling away at our hearts, minds, and spirits bringing us closer to His heart than we have ever been. 

I know you all want to see pictures!!  I promise, pictures will come, but we want to have her in our arms and loving on her first.  Stand by until Saturday or Sunday for pictures and another update!

Please continue to pray for the remainder of this journey... discharge of baby girl, ICPC paperwork, and getting home!

Love you all!!

Tiffany

Waiting for God's princess to arrive....

Trust in Me, I will provide, and I will be glorified.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

This journey to bring our little girl home has been nothing short of extreme dependency on the Lord.  Whenever we felt the need to even take the slightest control of our adoption journey, God quickly reminded us that He was in control and would whisper in our hearts, "Trust in Me, I will provide, and I will be glorified."  After our previous adoption fall through, our hearts were confused, sad, but extremely hopeful that God was still good and our little girl would be right around the corner.

Well, on November 14th, I received a phone call about a birth momma, Shannon, that was due at the end of December.  I wasn't sure if about the timing, but felt we should say yes.  Let me back track a minute.  About a week before this, I had a vision, as I was standing in the kitchen watching my boys stir batter at the counter together.  In that vision, I saw Nick on the right, Elijah in the middle, and a little girl of caucasian and African American mix on the very left.  I knew right then and there that God was revealing to me our daughter. Back to this call.  Mom is caucasian and dad is African American.  Whoa!!  Of course, Jon and I were hopeful, but extrememly guarded and cautious with hearts, not telling anyone of this situation possibility.  We gave over to the Lord and moved forward.  I look back at my journal and I remember pleading with God, please bring our little girl home before Christmas.

On Novermber 15th, we got an e-mail stating the Shannon had not chosen our family.  A bit discouraged, we moved forward and rested in the hands of the Lord.

Then, on November 18th, I got a call saying, "Shannon didn't necessarily not pick your family, she hadn't chose any family.  You see she wanted a biracial couple, but we did not have any, but she really likes your family and wants to pray about it a little more."  We had a small bit of hope and found our prayer warriors to help stand in the gap for us. 

On November 20th, we got a call saying that Shannon wanted to move forward with our family and really loved us!  She also wanted to have a conference call with Jon and I!  I was abosolutely thrilled!!  You see, God had pressed into my heart that this ministry not only included our new little one but her momma and family.  This would definitely be a more open adoption which would give us the opportunity to minister, love, and show God's redemption and grace to the momma and family.  My prayer started becoming, "Lord, please begin a beautiful relationship between Shannon and I and direct our conversations, filling with your love and peace."

On November 25th, Jon and I were blessed to have the opportunity to talk with Shannon over the phone.  It was amazing!  Shannon has the most grateful heart and kept telling us how thankful she was for us and how we were an answer to her prayers.  We were so blessed and so ready to have her as part of our family.  After about a 20 minute conversation, we all decided to talk again the following Monday.  We were so excited, yet still decided to share our wonderful news.

November 27th, Shannon had a doctor's appointment to check on the baby.  Her doctor noticed that baby girl was extremely large and possibly already 8 pounds and told her to think about an iduction or a c-section.  Of course this scared Shannon quite a bit, so her response was that she was going to  pray about it first before she made her decision.  We started praying for peace for Shannon and the decision God would place on her heart.

November 30th, we shared with our families about Shannon and asked for continued prayers for Shannon and her family.

On December 3rd, I had the opportunity to talk with Shannon again and I was blessed beyond belief!!  She was so sweet and are hearts definitely connected.  I also had the honor of praying with her over the phone and it was such a blessing to my heart!  She did ask me to pray about the c-section, because she was very nervous about this and really did not want to do it.  At this point we were unsure whether Shannon would fly to Utah or stay put in Georgia.  This conversation blessed me so much and I was so grateful to start bonding with her.  She also asked me if I would be in the delivery room with her, too.  I was ecstatic and completely floored!

On December 5th, we got a call saying that Shannon may have the baby on Friday or Monday.  With all of the weather coming into Dallas that night, we sat and waited and start packing.  We waited all day to find out whether or not we needed to leave or wait.  At about 5pm, our caseworker called and said she was flying out to be safe and it was up to us of what we wanted to do.  We were very concerned about getting stuck and missing the birth and not being able to be there for Shannon that God granted us the last two seats on the last plane going out of Dallas to Atlanta.  We met our caseworker at the airport and drove two hours to Augusta.  

On December 6th, our caseworker was able to take Shannon to the doctor, in hopes of scheduling a c-section.  After hours of being at the hospital, they decided not to do the c-section, but were doing a ton of tests.  There were tons of communication problems with the hospital and doctors.  They came back saying the baby is breech, very large, and lots of fluid.  They were trying to determine if baby was safer in or out.  At this point the caseworker realizes that Shannon has gestational diabetes and her blood pressure is high.  

On December 7th, Shannon stayed over night at the hospital, but they are releasing her for the night.  They ran lots of tests to make sure mom and baby are okay.  She will most likely go back on Sunday or Monday morning for more tests and is being monitored very closely.  Doctor is suppose to schedule a c-section for Monday or Tuesday if baby's lungs are developed after an amino test was done.  We prayed her lungs were developed.  That evening we had the opportunity to have dinner with Shannon and her two children!  It was amazing!!  We love her and her two kids are so sweet and smart.  She has such a grateful heart.  She already has a plan for her and her kids after baby is born in hopes of getting better schools and better place for the them to grow up.  She is very thoughtful and such a kind heart.

On December 8th, Shannon went back to the doctor with caseworker.  Shannon and baby were doing great!  Lungs were developed!!  BUT..the doctor never scheduled the c-section and now cant get it scheduled until Thursday morning!!  We considered flying home to see our boys, but financially it did not make sense.  My heart was crushed, yet hopeful still.  So what now?  We wait.

We are still, here, in Georgia, awaiting the arrival of this little girl that has decided that a dramatic entrance is something she insists on.  Shannon hasn't waivered in her decision to place and loves us as we love her.  We are so blessed to have Shannon a part of our family and continue to pray for God's peace throughout this entire journey.

We ask that you stand with us and not only pray for us, but for Shannon.  She has an amazing heart, but still struggles with anxiety.  Pray God's overwhelming peace for her and for us.  I will do much better about keeping this journey update, but this is where we are...  WAITING on the Lord.  Trusting in the Lord.  Resting in His timing so that He may be completely glorified.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.  As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,so is my word that goes out from my mouth; It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."  Isaiah 55:8-12

Be still and wait patiently on Him..... A week later.

So it's been a week since God walked beside us along an incredibly difficult journey with one precious little girl.  I know that many are wondering how we are doing.  My typical answer is, "We are good.  We know that God is faithful and He is good.  We are just trusting Him."  While this answer is completely and whole heartedly true, it only hits the surface that God is digging under to reveal His heart and our heart.

I have to confess, my heart was taken into a place of discouragement, yesterday.  It became anxious in the unknown and the plan God has planned for our family.  I am by no means doubting God's promise, but my heart burdened and longed for this little girl that God has intended for our family.  My heart began longing for our little girl, not the little girl we prayed over, but our little girl.  I was able to ask for prayer by some friends and then Jon and I prayed through this last night.

As morning came, I felt God saying, "Press into me."  I brought before Him our concerns.  What about the funding that is still with this agency? Should we move it back to give us more opportunity outside this agency only to be thrown back into a bigger pool, again instead of having priority?  Should we update our almost expiring home study?  Lord, what do we do?  His answer, "Be still.  Rest in Me."  What?!  Father, I've been waiting.  What do you mean be still?  My daughter needs me and cannot rest until she is in my arms.  His response, "Be still. Do not be anxious.  I'm preparing the way."  I literally fought this battle within my heart all day, yesterday, but I know God is good, I just. have. to. let. go....  Easier said than done.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn."  Psalm 37:3-6

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him....." Psalm 37:7

These verses are what God wants me to imprint onto my heart and into my mind and all over my spirit, today.  I keep moving forward, one step at a time, waiting on the Lord to fulfill His promise.  It will happen.  Not in my timing, but in His perfect timing.

God continually reminds me this journey is far bigger than me.  Far bigger than Jon.  Far bigger than any agency can fathom.  This journey continues to be about God and His glory.  It has nothing to do about me.  Yes, it's a struggle, but God is with us and has always been with us.

Thank you for your continuous prayers over our family.  They are felt.  This journey is rocking the core of many people, including the agency we are working with, the grant and loan companies, other friends, and family members.  God is being glorified through this and we continue to ask that you pray for us as we continue to walk out this journey...this mission...God has our family on.  God is moving and we will continue to update you as God moves.....

Walking a 48 hour path of extreme trust

"This will be a journey of My provision, My glory, and complete/extreme trust in Me."  

These words ring through my heart this morning after we walked one of the hardest paths God has called us into.  I look back this morning, still grieving, but finally at peace knowing we are within the Will of God.  Let me take you on this journey for a minute and as you read this and walk it with us, open your heart to see God at work and not to let your heart see the negativity.

Last Wednesday, October 23rd, God called me into a heart of repentence for bondage that had overtaken my heart. Straight from my journal entry that morning:

"It's time.  Proclaim my faithfulness, healing, and glory. Time to expose your heart even more sweet daughter.  I will give you time and I will write the words, but it's time humble yourself and expose your heart and the glory of my name.  Don't worry about the words you will say.  I will write them.  Just let me use you.  Don't hinder me and my truth and glory.  This is all about me, not about you, Tiffany.  You asked to be used as a vessel, now let me work through you.  You have to let go of the reigns and give them to me."

As I rewrite this into this blog, God was already preparing us and we were not even aware.  We were used as His vessels...for His Glory!

 I  released all of that and asked for forgiveness. (Another post)  Within 20 minutes of that posting we were matched with a birth mom situation that we knew was from God.  From the very beginning, I had not only peace, but uneasiness in this situation.  I felt God say move forward, this is for you, just trust in Me.  So, we did.  We followed Him onto a path of the unknown, but a path God needed us to walk for Him.  At the time, we didn't know why, but we had to be obedient and keep our hope in Him.

As I look at the following journal entry..I am right now seeing how God was preparing my spirit for what was coming.  The verse written on October 24th was 

"To shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace."  Luke 1:79

He was preparing our hearts to walk among the darkness of this little one's family.  Strengthening us to pray continually, without ceasing for her heart.

In the days that followed, God started filling the financial gap that we needed for this little girl, showing us his amazing provision as we trusted him.  

On October 28th, the verse written in my journal was:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."  Psalm 32:8

God's Word into my heart that day was:

"Daughter, let me guide you with each task and I will fill you up with peace, time, and strength.  Rest and I will let you know what's next."

The day before little lady was born,  this is the verse written in my journal:

"Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  Hebrews 12:3

You see, God was preparing us for something we couldn't fathom, but God knew we could handle.  We asked to be his vessel and to work through us, and He did.  Here is how it unfolded...

We were called on October 30th at 5:30 am that mom was in delivery.  We frantically got up and ready and drove an hour to where mom and baby were.  We got there after she was born and could only look at her from a window in the nursery.  We had to jumped about a million hoops, have forms signed and notarized by mom and hospital to even hold and see her.  Two hours later, she was in our arms.  We were rejoicing and praying for and over this sweet little girl.  As we were holding this sweet girl, the enemy was churning the hearts of birth mom's family, who were completely opposed of this adoption.  Grandma was stirring the waters.  Mom was very clear about her decision to place her child for adoption, knowing that she had a future for herself, her four year old daughter, and this little one.  She refused to see the baby, have her family see the baby, and had her name taken off the baby's crib in the nursery.  She wanted no one to be in touch with this child, except for us.  It was completely closed, yet we had to wait 48 hours until she could sign papers to release her rights to her.  Those were the most stressful 48 hours as mom's family continued to try and sway her.  She stood firm.  That night our caseworker had some time to sit and chat with the mom about her decision and how she was feeling without the influence of family.  She walked out that night and into the next morning feeling confident that mom was 100% in on this adoption.  We arrived the next morning, ready to hold our sweet girl, yet our nerves were still high.  We continued to hold her, pray for her, and had worship music pouring into all of our hearts as we rocked her.  Then the roller coaster started again.  Grandma was asking to see the baby, while mom refused.  She was finally able to with mom permission and we went to lunch.  We came back and things changed.  Birth mom's so called positive influence that was supporting this decision came in and after talking with grandma, was also swayed.  We got a call...Birth mom wants to see the baby.  We sat there empty, yet praying and pressing into the Lord.  We prayed for that little girl so hard and with all of our hearts and just trusted the Lord.  Baby came back in and case worker followed.  "mom wants to keep her."  Our hearts sunk.  We were devastated and just cried and cried.  We knew God had a purpose, but at that moment, we couldn't quite see it.  We were shaken to our core!  After tears with our wonderful caseworker, we left in tears, heartbroken, and ready to hold and love our two boys at home.  

This morning, I woke up, as if it was all a bad dream, but it wasn't, it was so real.  My phone was full of encouraging words and prayers, but my heart was still hurting so badly.  One of my dear friends, reminded me of the very beginning of this journey and my unsettled heart and that God knew the plans for this.  I released this to the Lord and cried in desperation for what the purpose of this journey was.  This is the text I sent straight to my consultant through the words God placed into my heart:

This has been one of the hardest 48 hours ever!  A friend of mine reminding me that my heart was truly unsettled about this situation but I chose to follow God and trust Him.  As I have worked through this in my heart and have cried out to the Lord all night and morning I felt Him whispering in my heart to keep trusting Him.  As hard as it is to go forward, we must for the sake of His Kingdom.  I believe God spoke into my heart that He planted us in the life of this little girl for a greater purpose.  Not to just love and hug on her the first two days of her life, but to pray over her, speak God's truth into her heart and spirit, and to cover her life with prayer from 100s of prayer warriors.  This little girl is meant to be a daughter of the Most High and God planted us there to cover her in God's protection and fill her up with His love that will give her heart the longing to love Him so deeply.  I know I will continue to grieve but I know God's love and plan is perfect and He will bring our little girl into our home in His timing.

Our hearts are definitely healing and we are now confident that God knows the bigger picture for our family and His kingdom.  We will remain in his arms and continue to trust in his goodness and faithfulness to bring our little girl home.  If this is the journey that God has called us on to in order for His Glory to be shown, then we choose to walk it.  We choose to go through the valleys, cross the rivers, and stand on His mountain top in order for His glory to be shown to all.  God sacrificed His Son for our life, are we willing to sacrifice for Him?  We are saying and absolute YES.  Would we do this again?  YES.  Would we continue if it meant more struggles?  YES. God is still good and we are still his children.  We continue to walk His journey of provision, His glory, and trust in Him.

Praying over baby girl

Straight from freedom into Blessing

So, not 20 minutes after I posted the previous post, did God set His promise into place.  I got a call from one of our agencies we are working with.  She called me and said, "I have some sad news, but some good news."  Not quite sure what to think about that, but knowing part of it meant that we weren't matched with the birth mom we had been waiting to hear from for two weeks, I sat in listened.  She said, "well birth mom L chose the other family, but we do have another situation we want to talk to you about."  Hmm.this is new.  "This is an agency pick situation, where the agency picks the family, because the birth mom does not want to and we would like to know if you would like to match with her?"  WHAT?!  Of course.  I listened to her tell me about mom as tears streamed down my face with complete gratitude and humility at the goodness of God.  Mom is due on November 4th!  That's in two weeks!  I tell you, when God tells us to move and we obey then he does not delay on his Word and promise.  Needless to say, we are downright thrilled and excited.  We still have reservation as with any adoption until all papers have been signed, but we are handing it over to God and trusting Him!

 As we look at the amazing donations and funding that we have been blessed with for our adoption, we discover we are still $9,000 short to be able to complete this match.  We have been asked to have all funding turned in with our contract by Monday, October 28th.  We know that God is our provider and are continuing to press into his arms with complete trust.

We are first and foremost asking you to stand alongside of us in prayer as we trust in God's provision and wisdom to bring her home in two weeks.  If you feel God is leading you to help fill in the gap to bring our baby girl home, you can donate through our paypal account linked to this page.  We are so grateful for all of the prayers that have been covering our family and look forward to sharing how God moves through this journey to bring our baby girl home.

From Bondage into Freedom

This is perhaps one of the hardest posts I have ever written, but it comes out of extreme faith and obedience to God.  I'm cringing on the inside as I begin to type, knowing that my whole heart is about to be exposed...more exposed than I have ever let it be outside of my own thoughts.  My stomach is churning, my heart is racing, and I'm near shaking with nerves and anguish, but I know that with complete obedience, comes complete redemption and grace from God, my Father.

As we began this adoption journey, nearly a year ago, God told me that this was a journey of trust, provision, and His glory, not just adding to our family.  I sort of thought I knew what that meant, but not until recently did this come to the surface for our family, specifically to me.  As many of you know, I have dealt with medical issues from the very beginning of our marriage.  Deep down I knew that these were signs of something deeper...something spiritual, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it.  I struggled for 10 years of endometriosis and the pain and side effects of it.  I struggled with debilitating migraines.  I was attacked with random ailments, such as a stenosis in my ureter affecting my kidney, a hernia, and more recently the diagnosis of a gluten allergy.  With every diagnosis, I remember going to Jon and asking why, then crying out to God with the same question and frustration of why this could continually happen to someone who followed God and put others before herself.  I began doubting God's ability to heal me and wondered if this was what was meant for me.  I began opening the doors to the spirit of doubt into my life.  I left the door cracked open at the first diagnosis and the enemy began to open it a little more adding to my ailments...all while I was unaware.  In addition, with each new diagnosis, my heart was growing dark.  I didn't know it was growing, because I felt and thought that I was trusting God completely with my health and thought he was going to heal me....eventually.  I even told people, "maybe God just has adoption for our family and He was closing the door with these illness." or I would say, "it could be worse, I'm just going to pray through it."  When in reality, I was angry, mad, frustrated, and becoming increasingly bitter and jealous.  That little crack into my heart and spirit was beginning to go from the tiny crack to being wide open to these horrible spirits that were wrecking my life, not only spiritually, but physically!  I was in bondage and I didn't even know it!!

So what did this look like?  This is the part that breaks my heart, but it is how the enemy destroyed me!  The spirit of jealousy stepped in the moment my younger sister got pregnant with her first child and we had just recently had a failed fertility treatment.  I remember sobbing and crying and wondering why.  I was sad, but my anger and frustration turned into jealousy and bitterness toward her, although I did not outwardly show this, it was burning inside my heart and seeping quickly into my health.  This horrible jealousy and bitterness controlled me and re-surfaced every time a friend got pregnant.  I would hide my feelings and thoughts so deeply and outwardly be so excited for them and want the best for them, which I did and was excited, but Satan was twisting my heart, internally.  With every pregnancy, it got worse, and I got unfortunately, better at hiding my internal feelings of bitterness, sadness, frustration, and jealousy.  I learned to avoid situations that would bring these feelings forward or hide away.  I would speak words of resentment toward them, but not at them, yet still hurtful, because my heart had turned.  All the while, I was "happy" for them.  Through these nine years, my heart grew heavy, so heavy that my health became unbearable!  I lost 10 pounds in 9 months!
Before I move forward, I need to ask for forgiveness for those friends and family members that I so dearly love, yet my heart was ugly during their most amazing time.  I let the enemy into my heart and I don't feel I was able to celebrate with you like I should have and for that I am so deeply sorry and hope that you can forgive me.  You know who you are, especially, if you received this update through e-mail.  You and your children are jewels and I'm so grateful to be their aunts and to be your friends!

As this adoption began, I felt there was something deeper to this journey.  God kept reminding me, it's not about the adoption, it's about the journey to your heart and the hearts of others, which is meant to bring glory to me, your Father.  I continued to trust God daily and through each "no" from a birth mom, but my heart was still struggling.  God yanked me one day as I went in to see my OB for just a regular appointment.  I went in with horrible abdominal pain and was so worried about the outcome of this appointment.  As she examined me and asked questions, she noticed that my uterus was shifted and possible attached to my ovary.  I was so overwhelmed with sadness, that my eyes began tearing up.  She scheduled me for a sonogram to see if we had cysts and what was going on.  I walked out of that office discouraged about the thought of more surgeries.  This was on a Friday.  On Sunday morning, I don't even remember the sermon, but God pressed into my heart to step forward for prayer.  I walked from the back of the church to the front, tears welling up and fell apart into this very sweet lady's arms.  I wanted freedom and healing.  I needed a miracle.  I was done.  She prayed that God would bring to my heart and mind anything preventing healing and then declared healing over my body.  That next month, God brought to the surface all of the bondage and the links it had over my life!  I worked through it daily with the Lord and confessing it to Jon.  My heart began changing.  I felt lighter and happier for the first time in nine years.  My contentment was overwhelming, because He was filling my heart with so much peace and joy that it was overflowing.  Kept pressing into God whenever the enemy would try and attack and he fought for me.  The bondage was gone!!  On October 11th, Jon and I returned to the doctor, anxious, to have the sonogram.  I told her what my history was and what the doctor was expecting to find.  She wrote it down and then began the sonogram.  I took a deep breath and just prayed, "God, thank you for your healing.  I trust in you no matter what."  She was taking her measurements and then asked, where did she say the uterus was tilted and attached?  I told her again, and she said, "hmmm, this looks unremarkable to me.  Let me show you.  Normal. and here...normal...and here...normal..."  I then asked, "no cysts?"  "No...this is a perfect sonogram."  I then proceeded to say, " I have never heard that, not in the last 10 years.  I have always had a cyst or abnormality."  "Well, this is not abnormal.  Everything looks perfect."  We walked out of that office, a bit baffled, but in complete shock and gratitude for healing!!  I waited to hear from the doctor for confirmation and sure enough same thing.
All this to say, my spiritual bondage had impacted my health so dramatically that the release and freedom from the bondage allowed healing to break through in my body.  God does heal!  He is healing and He healed me, mind, heart, and body!
God has been so faithful to me and I am declaring that I am healed by God's grace and by His hand.  This is my testimony, that I have walked through and out of bondage into the healing graces and power of my Lord Jesus Christ.  I hope that this will give you a hope that God listens, loves, and is healing today.

Internal anguish brought to the surface

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear...." 1 John 4:18

A verse that has been prayed over Nick, since he moved in with us.  A verse that he has memorized and has imprinted upon his heart, yet this fear seems to be fighting back!  Nick has recently started seeing a psychiatrist as his emotions, heart, self-esteem, and anxieties have changed in the last couple of years.  As a mom, I knew we would be experiencing this with Nick, only because it is part of the symptoms of FASD, but never imagined it to the degree it is.  As we sat at the doctor's office and were talking about how things were going, I felt things were getting so much better.  Nick didn't seem to be on a constant roller coaster of emotions.  He said, he enjoyed his school work more, because he could focus and that he continued to like gymnastics.  I then asked the doctor about an incident that occurred at his gym, where Nick froze in fear over a skill that he is able to do.  This comment led to about 20 minutes of Nick's heart falling out all over the place.  I was in complete shock and felt so terrible as a mom at this moment in time.

 As we started probing Nick a little bit we realized that Nick is really, really struggling with self-worth/self-esteem, anxiety, and just plain internal anguish.  His words in our appointment, "I'm just never as good as everyone else in the gym.  Everyone thinks I'm a weirdo and stupid, because I struggle with my back handspring and can't remember what I'm suppose to do.  They look at me like I'm stupid and different.  The girls all hate me and think I'm dumb and make fun of me.  They won't ever listen to me and then they call me names.  They will talk to everyone else, but not me, because I'm weird.  Everyone hates me at the gym.  I just can't do anything right."  This was all said in different chunks as we were beginning to get him to open up.  He just kept repeating, "Everyone hates me because I'm weird."  I was completely floored by this and as he started talking more and more, tears started welling up in his eyes.  I felt horrible as a mom.  This is just what is going on in Nick's head that he is just plain unable to verbalize, until today! We are so incredibly grateful with Nick's gym and coach, who have  been so understanding and willing to listen to us as parents and help Nick become successful. God has placed Nick in this gym and we are truly blessed.  Regardless of the anxiety, Nick loves his gym and his coach, per recent conversation with Nick.  We believe God has aligned the gym in Nicks life for this specific reason.

As we started attempting to walk Nick through these feelings of unworth, he could not seem to see himself as I see him.  "Fearfully and wonderfully made!"  All the way home, well first to Chick-fil-a, I was fighting the tears as I kept thinking, how can did I not see this.  My inadequacy overwhelmed me, but God gently reminded me to love Nick as He loves me.  Unconditionally.  Take more quiet time with Nick and open up about life with him.  So we did...at Chick-fil-A.  

It's so hard to imagine a child struggling so deeply and so often, but it is happening within Nick.  My heart breaks thinking about the internal anguish he lives with on a daily basis.  He seems to hide it well, doesn't he?  But, watching my "tough" kid cry because his heart, mind, and spirit were falling apart and no one even knew crushed all that I am.  I write this knowing that we have so many who read this and this is a cry of a mom's heart to pray for my child's heart, mind, and spirit.  God has him in his hands, but his little spirit is internally battling the evil spirits of anxiety, fear, self worth, depression, and anger.  Please take a few moments to pray over Nick, because I know I cannot do this on my own.  

Someone once said, "it takes a village to raise our children."  Please be our village for Nick...

Our "waiting" season.

I never have time to just sit down and just write without interruptions, but when God opens a window of time in my day and says, "write. show them my goodness."  I must obey.  So, as my two beautiful blessings are currently playing nicely together, I write and share with you how God is moving within our family during our "waiting."

All our paperwork and applications have been completed and sent in to agencies and grant committees at this point.  We are in what I call the "waiting" season of adoption.  What are we "waiting" on.

 First, we are waiting on continued approval for grants and funding.  We are so honored and blessed to have been selected for a non interest covenant Loan with ABBA fund, recently.  This loan will not cover all of our expenses, but it is definitely an answer to prayer for our family, if this is needed.  We have two outstanding applications awaiting approval for grants, Show Hope and Gift of Adoption.  We completely understand that we are most likely one of hundreds applying for these grants, so please pray alongside of us for favor in the Committees eyes for these grants.  So, where are we at with our funding?  We have about half of our funding needed for a match at this point, but we are not losing hope that the remainder will be here in just the right timing.  Because, like God has always done...He will provide for the calling He has set us on.

Second, we are waiting for a special momma to choose us to care for and raise her little one into the Kingdom of God!  We have been shown to some birth moms, but haven't been the right match for their little ones.  We have not lost heart in these situations, knowing that God's perfect plan is in front of us and we will move into it with a trusting heart.

Third, we are living the life, God has set in front of us each day.  Loving our boys, planning for Nick's schooling at home, preparing for Elijah to go to Mother's Day out (sniff, sniff), and gradually making changes to our home in preparation for our new one.  In the middle of it all, God is moving!  Through this adoption, thus far, we are learning that ultimately trusting God is the only way to make it through each day.  He has given both of us different ways to learn to rely completely on Him and to bring us together for the sake of His calling on our family.  You see, God works in our hearts individually in order to align each of us together for what He has prepared for us.  We see are lessons in trusting Him beginning to align, but we still have some much needed work before that.

We pray that God will move in our family in a way that only He can and that He will be glorified, completely in all that is done.  None of this is our doing, but all comes together because of God.

We are praying and exploring another fundraiser that we hope will fill a little more of our gap, so keep your eyes open on facebook and through e-mail for a link or information.  In the meantime, if you feel led to give to our adoption with a tax-deductible donation, you can still donate through Life Song, which in a previous post I posted information on how to do that.

Blessings from the Stewart Clan!

"I love you, no matter what you do."

I often wonder why God has placed me onto the paths that I am on in my life and even admit to wishing that I was on another.  If you have read the beginnings of this blog, you would know that our life has not been the easiest, but looking back we can all agree that God has blessed through the trials.  Today, I felt as though I was both grateful for the path I was given and then wishing my path was the one next to mine.  
The reason I am writing this post is to give you my transparent view of being a mother of a child affected by Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.  Where to even begin.....

My precious child, Nick, was born to a mother, who loved him dearly, yet was captured by alcohol and smoking.  This in turn affected Nick's development and the rest of my child's life.  I have written before about a day in the life of Nick, but never gave you the mindset of me as I am travelling through the day with him.  Each day with Nick is never the same.  We never know what our day is going to involve.  Each morning as I spend my brief time with the Lord, I pray over him.  I ask God to heal his mind, change his heart, and get him through the day with clarity.  I then venture out and wake Nick up for the day.

I want you to understand that I love my child so extremely much that I couldn't imagine my life without him and that my thoughts are human thoughts and that God is doing a great work in my heart through Nick.

Honestly, as I go to get Nick up, my mind is fighting my heart ever so much as to whether or not I want to wake him up or not.  You see, like I said before, I don't know what Nick's mindset will be in the morning.  If I wake up Nick with a ," Hey Nick, we need to get up and get ready for .... " The response may be, "I don't want to." or "leave me alone."  or "I love you mom." or "what are we doing today," or just nothing and refuses to get out of bed.  If I wake Nick up with a, "Nick?  are you ready to get up?" I may receive pretty much the same answers as above.  It does not even matter how, what, or when I get Nick up, I truly do not know the response I will get.  I am scared.

I try very hard to remember all of the great advice from the FASD group I'm a part of when talking with or to Nick.  Such as, is this a behavior of defiance?  Or perhaps, does he not understand my instructions?  or maybe I said to much...slow it down...one step at a time.  Or Maybe he didn't hear me.  Wait, I have to remember he is really functioning half his age. Or maybe his brain is on shut down.  Oh my!  It's so hard to determine what is going on in his head because it's never the same when the action doesn't happen.  I become overwhelmed.

Some people/friends try to understand our strict rules of no video games, limited tv, and no tv after dinner.  Let me educate you a little bit on how my son's brain changes when he is overly visually stimulated.  When a tv, video game, or even a phone with games for that matter, are placed in front my son, it's as if his "eyeballs become glued to the tv."  Yep, I just said that.  Jon and I use that term a lot!  Nothing goes into Nick's brain and nothing comes out when he is getting this type of stimulation.  I truly fear these moments, because when those things go away, my child's brain cannot readjust.  What does that mean?  A meltdown!  I don't mean the whining and saying why can't I watch more, it's not fair.  I mean the kicking, screaming, stomping, huffing, puffing, slamming meltdown. We had one of those tonight! So please do not be offended or think I am too strict when I say, Nick is not allowed to play video games when your kids come to visit, because then your child will not want to come again.  So, what do we do when mom needs a break?  Good question!  I am exhausted.


I love the moments when Nick comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and says, "Mom, you are the best mom in the world! I love you so much!"  This makes those constant battles, meltdowns, and breaks downs worth going through..... until it happens all over again..tomorrow.  I feel loved and appreciated.

Being Nick's mom is truly an honor bestowed upon me by God.  I doubt everyday my ability to be a mom to Nick and often wonder why and how I can keep going, but God is faithful and is my strength.  There are even days when I sit in my room just crying and praying, please God heal my son, make this go away, yet knowing this is who God created and that God will be using Nick's story as an amazing testimony.  I have days where I just want to hide as a meltdown ensues, but God pulls me out of the door to meet this head on and bring our child into the arms of God.  Some days, I just want to pull him into my arms as his anxiety overwhelms him to the point of crying or withdrawal, but am learning to walk him through it in prayer and scripture.  I have days, where I just want to pretend batteries, water guns, paper, and balloons never existed.  We have some days, where I just want to sit in my bed out of pure exhaustion from the days many meltdowns, searching obsessions, and anxiety moments of done me in.  

We strive to carve scripture into his heart so much that my child may not be able to remember his math facts, but he can recite so much scripture that God has imprinted into his heart for the battles that God is helping him and will continue to help him fight in the future.

Although each day brings me something different with Nick, I know that God will always be whispering to me through Nick, "Your the best mom in the world, and I love you so much!"  God makes me the mom I am, faults and all, He still loves me unconditionally and if I teach Nick anything, I want him to know that as God loves us all no matter what we do, I love him no matter what you do!

"Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

  This past week has been filled with blessings and downfalls for our family, which makes for an exhausting week.  God blessed us beyond our expectations at the beginning of the week, knowing that we were about to walk through some trials intended to stretch our hearts into more trusting, leaning, and seeking Him.  Hmm...interesting how God knows us so well!

On Sunday, Jon and I attended a Habitation service for Gateway in Southlake.  After the enemy kept trying to prevent us from going, we picked ourselves up and attended the most refreshing, renewing, and encouraging service we have attended in awhile!  The worship was amazing!  The testimonies of healing brought tears to our eyes and hope in our hearts!  The prayers for specific healing gave us a complete trust and belief that God has healed us!  We stood in the threshold for family, friends, and then for ourselves.  God moved in that service and we were personally touched!  I wasn't going to share our personal experience through this, but I feel this is how God will be glorified when God's promise is fulfilled.  There were Words of healing for many different illnesses, physical, mental, etc.  One of the pastors stood up and spoke a Word of Healing for couples dealing with infertility and the desire to get pregnant.  I looked at Jon and felt our time had past for this and our calling is now adoption.  Well, God answered that response with, "You may not think you can't get pregnant, because you have been dealing with it for so long and you feel you have moved on, but God's desire is still deep within you."  Ok, Lord...here we are!  Let's stand and declare that I am healed and you will pursue us!  As we stood for healing and for pregnancy, Tears streamed down my face.  I'm not sure if this was joy, sadness, fear, excitement or what, but I chose to depend completely on God in this situation and just let go of my desires and assumptions that I "thought" God wanted for me and believe that He is almighty and He is good!  We continued to worship and declare/pray for healing over many people in this service.  God moved!!
As we were getting ready to leave, weaving through the thousands of people that attended this service, a lady, Grace is her name, came up behind me and tap me on the shoulder.  I turned and she reached out to me and says, "I wanted to tell you, that God gave me a Word for you this evening.  He says you are healed and you will be pregnant soon."  My response as I'm holding back tears, "Really?! (my doubt!!)"  "Yes," she answers.  I asked her what her name was and gave her mine and just pulled her in for a hug, thanking her over and over for her courage and obedience.  Grace's name and face will be forever in my mind!  God enabled her to find me through the crowds of thousands ...rewind a bit..she was sitting down the aisle from me in the sanctuary... and give this encouraging Word from God... keep trusting and obeying me through adoption, because I'm not done with you yet and your deepest desires are still mine.  Your heart for adoption is not my only desire for you.  This was so encouraging for Jon and I.
This was the beginning of a few more blessings that occurred, but then the trials hit us.  Some dealing with Jon's job, our adoption with different situations, our kids, sickness, etc. I'm not going to lie, they were difficult and filled my mind with doubt, anxiety, and a feeling of confusion, but God woke me this morning, reminding me, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12.  I went to my knees a lot this week, but then slowly let my fears interfere with what God was trying to teach me.  It brings me back to his Word, "Trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...."

"Father, my life is yours!  I release my anxieties, hopes, and desires into your hands.  You do know the plans for me, not to harm, but to prosper.  You are refining my soul through trust and complete dependence on You. Thank you for never giving me anything that you know I can't handle, but giving me just enough to stretch my faith and complete trust in You."

Quick update on our adoption:  We have been shown to one birth mom, but was not a match for her.  Currently, we are being shown to a birth mom, whom is pregnant with a little one that we do not know the gender of.  Those of you who know me, know my extreme desire to adopt a little girl.  We felt God lead us to trust in Him and to be shown to her, regardless, because He knows what our family looks like and not us!  Trusting fully in Him.  

If you still have the desire to help us with our adoption, please let me know how you can fill our gap.

Trusting in God's Promises,
Tiffany

Mom; Guilty of disobedience. Nick; victim of mom's disobedience.

This post has been whirling around in my head for weeks... I hear the Lord whispering into my spirit and wanting me to be transparent.  Transparent to those I don't know, although I feel as though I have been so transparent and open to everyone through this blog, He continues to tell me, "transparent enough for everyone to see ME?"  Perhaps I am not being "transparent" in the eyes of the Lord.

You see, God moves in His time...never in the time I would like Him to move....but in perfect time.  His perfect time for healing, provision, and redirection.  I am by far NOT perfect and I am truly a struggling mom and woman striving to please everyone around me...yet I seem to have missed someone very important....My Father, My Creator.  This has been the area of redirection God has called me...yes, me..into these past ...oh 3 months or so.  What does this look like?  What does this mean?  I believe this looks different for each person, depending on where God wants to mold your character.  For me...it's Obedience.

Whoa!!  Obedience?!  Yes.  How can my children follow/obey me when I'm directly not obeying my Heavenly Father?  No, I'm not doing anything illegal in the eyes of this world.  Perhaps, I'm doing everything right in the eyes of this world, but I'm not obeying God, completely.  Confused, yet?  So was I when he spoke this into my heart.

God calls us to follow Him, to trust Him, completely.  When He says move, speak, or go, what should we do?  Wait a few days?  Perhaps a couple of months...or for me..years?  No, we should obey in faith knowing that He knows our path and the plans for us.  Why, now?  Good question that I have chosen to confess to the Lord my disobedience and lack of trust in Him, therefore I am forgiven and now can live freely in his arms....Now I'm not saying that I don't falter, have a time of fear, or lack of faith, but I can now recognize and feel the rebuking quite a bit faster than before.  My first huge leap of faith and obedience?

Here goes.... Many know that God called me to be a stay at home mom, perhaps years ago, but our fear of provision prevented us from taking that complete leap of faith until a year ago.  What I learned in that year has brought me to the point that I am right now.  God provided all our needs on one income... an income based on commission and complete trust on God's provision.  As we moved Nick from an amazing, small private school to a school where I would be teaching some of his concepts, we felt God's hand in this and felt this was a transition point for Nick and our family.  At the time, we were not quite sure what that was, but I was relieved to have special education assistance and the ability to work more and more with Nick at home.  As the year moved forward, God started speaking into my heart his educational plan for our children, again.

 Let me rewind a bit....  Nick has moved from a variety of different "traditional" school settings in his lifetime with this hovering thought that it was not quite right.  We couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong, but knew God knew and so we continued to be educational "nomads."  I had a feeling of inadequacy when it came to my child's needs and education, so we kept looking for help and the "perfect school" for Nick.

 Back to present... Well, God made it pretty clear this past spring as we were talking about how his first year at his school went and what he did and did not like about it.  The response we got was astounding and absolutely broke our hearts.  "Mom, it's okay.  I like my teachers, but I don't have any friends.  The kids don't like me."  He then proceeded to tell Jon in a separate conversation, "Dad, I don't feel 'safe' there." Holding back the tears as my child's heart is broken and we put him into this situation, because I felt inadequate and didn't obey God, years ago!!  So, I went through a time of frustration, anger, sadness, and just plain feeling sorry for myself, because my child was seeing a psychologist and I was making it worse because of the situation I put him in.  Guilty!!!!  Oh, Lord, please help us!!  This was my.... "Tiffany, it's time to obey Me completely and trust Me completely!" moment!

God spoke directly to me...
"I have equipped you, Tiffany.  Nick is your son because you are strong, you are patient, and your are loving.  I will fill you up in your moments of inadequacy, but rely on me, not yourself.  Continue to listen to me and obey me.  The path may not be easy, but I am with you and Nick is going to be a man after my heart because of your sacrifices.  Protect his heart and mind from conforming to the world.  He is so precious and needs your shelter."

What does this mean?  God has called us to home school Nick and our children.  I know...a bit scary, but I know that I must obey and trust God in faith that He will give me strength, energy, wisdom and knowledge to guide him.  More importantly, God will be able to work in His heart more closely and build his character to His and not the worlds.  I know many of you will think I am crazy and this is ridiculous, but I know in my heart and have had many forms of confirmation in this that I will choose to ignore the words and thoughts the enemy tries to plant and follow God in faith for my children's lives.  Yes, I know.  It will not always be easy, but God is in control and God has surrounded me with so much support that we cannot fail.  What does Nick think?  Well...in the past, Nick refused this thought, but he is so excited about this that he is telling everyone and even started his curriculum this summer!  If that's not a direct confirmation of God's will....I don't know what else would be!

Our lives our continuously in motion, but we are moving in the waves of our Father instead of the world's.  We ask that you pray for our family and that we continue to listen and obey our Father.  Another post soon on our adoption update!!