Miracles still happen ....

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will  be opened." 

                                                                                                                         -- Matthew 7:7-8

I'm sure most of you have come to realize when I post in our blog that God is about to move or is moving within our family.  Well, you are absolutely right! God has proven once again that He is so incredibly faithful and good as we continue to walk in extreme faith and trust in His plan alone and not our own.  

Let us begin with how God has brought our family through some major hurdles that could only be overcome with trust and faith in Him.   

We discovered six months into marriage (spring of 2004) that Tiffany had stage 4 (5 is the worst) endometriosis. Surgery removed it, and her doctor encouraged us to try and get pregnant. She said that the chances for success were higher now since all the endometriosis had been cleaned out. However, it did not happen, and the disease grew back, So came a second surgery and then a third.

By 2006, we were seeing a fertility specialist. After other unsuccessful fertility treatments, we opted to do invitro fertilization. I remember waiting by the phone all day and then getting the call. "I am so sorry the test came back negative." Our hearts were broken. Our spirits crushed. I remember saying the words, "God must hate us." What other reason could there be that we could not get pregnant? Throughout these three years, we had prayed diligently for pregnancy and had others praying for us. We had meditated upon the passage in Psalm 37:4. "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." So, I asked God, "Since we are following you Lord, how come you are not giving us the desire of our heart?" To reveal the answer, the Lord took us on an incredible journey. 

We put the pregnancy quest on the back burner for the next few years. The passing of Tiffany's mother and then our subsequent adoption of her adopted son, Nicholas took our lives on a different course. By 2010, we had established some normalcy with Nick, and we decided that he needed a sibling. Still not pregnant, we considered going the fertility route again, but the Lord had other plans. 

In February 2010, Lou Engle gave an impassioned message on the church taking an active role in adoption in America to end abortion in America. I felt the Lord say in my spirit, "Jonathan, that message is for you and Tiffany." My heart nearly leaped out of my chest. I wept as I went to the front of our church to pledge our lives to the Lord's plan for our family. 

What followed were the adoptions of our three other children: Elijah in June 2011, Isabel, in  December 2013, and Isaiah, in December 2014. Each adoption has it own amazing story (and own blog post for that matter), but let me quickly go back to something the Lord showed me during our calling to adopt Isaiah. In October 2014, Tiffany and I were having a getaway to spend time together to seek the Lord for the direction of our family. Our desire to get pregnant remained strong and we spent time together expressing that to the Lord. 

First, He gave us a verse, Psalm 27:13-14. "I am still confident of this. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

The Lord had been incredibly good to us. We had three beautiful, healthy children, but to the both of us, our family still felt incomplete. What follows in an excerpt from my journal that October day.

             I asked of the Lord, "Does Your goodness involve us getting pregnant and giving birth to a                 healthy, strong baby?"

           "My child, I always desire life."

            I asked, "So,then why aren't we pregnant or have ever gotten pregnant?"

            "Because in your and Tiffany's case pregnancy can't precede the promise." 

             The promise..."Walk in My Will and My Way and the blessings will flow."

What followed then was God's call for us to adopt again although we weren't ready because it was His will/desire for us. His desire which quickly became our desire. So, followed little Isaiah two months later. But, "the promise" the Lord spoke to me is something that I will come back to shortly.

Fast forward to a year later - October 2015. We have four beautiful, healthy children, and we are satisfied with our family. However, the desire to get pregnant still lingers. Something awesome to know is that Tiffany no longer has endometriosis! The Lord healed her from it back in 2013 we believe. So, she has had a clean bill of health from her doctor for a couple years now yet still not pregnant. So, we decide if we cannot get pregnant within the year, it may be time for Tiffany to get a hysterectomy. The emotional pain of being reminded monthly that she is not pregnant is getting to be too much for her to bear after hoping and praying for eleven and a half years. I gave her my support, and we prayed again for pregnancy the same way we had prayed for the last eleven and half years. And then.........IT HAPPENED!

We can't believe our eyes with the first pregnancy test, but there is a faint second line.

Just to confirm, we take another the next morning, and it says "YES" ! Wow, we are pregnant. We are really pregnant. Praise the Lord! Jesus you are unfailing, faithful and forever good!

The goodness of the Lord had been revealed to us more and more through each adoption, and now it had come full circle with our pregnancy. Let me further explain. You remember when I asked the Lord during our darkest hour, "If we are delighting ourselves in You Lord, then why are You not giving us the desires of our heart?" The problem with my question to the Lord was that I misunderstood His Truth found in that passage, Psalm 37:4. Through our incredible journey, God taught me and Tiffany that if we truly delighted ourselves in Him and became captivated fully in His presence then the desires of our heart would be His desires for us. Going back to "the promise" spoken to us in October 2014, "Walk in My Will and My Way and the blessings will flow." The Father's Will and Way (desires) for us was to adopt first...well first, second, third and fourth. Something I asked Tiffany the other day was, had we gotten pregnant sooner, would there be an Elijah, an Izzy, an Isaiah? Proverbs 16:9 reads, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." From the beginning, we thought we knew the right way to build a family, but the Father knew the best way for us. We cannot imagine our lives without our Nick, Elijah, Izzy, and Isaiah. Praise Jesus for them!

Now, I want to be clear in saying that our journey from infertility to adoption to pregnancy is not every couple's journey that struggles with infertility. The Lord has a unique calling for each of us. However, I hope this encourages you if you are reading it and you are struggling with infertility. The Father loves you beloved! He is not mad at you! He has not forgotten about you! But let's face it, God is so unpredictable and such a mystery, which is what makes Him....well God. You've probably have read Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." But have you read the rest of it? Verse 10, "As the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." 

So, if the Lord has given you a word about becoming pregnant, cling to it! His Words do not return null and void, but they bear fruit!

 From the beginning of our marriage, we had a desire to become pregnant. When we could not get pregnant, we asked of the Lord, "Lord if you don't want us to become pregnant, then take that desire away." However, He did not take away the desire. Instead, He backed up our desire with various prophetic words from others over the years stating that "You will get pregnant!" So, another thing the Lord taught us through this long journey is to pray, pray some more, and keep praying. Persistent prayer is key as stated in Matthew 7:7-8. Ask, Seek, Knock is actually translated in the Greek as Ask and Keep Asking, Seek and Keep Seeking, Knock and Keep Knocking. (I gleaned that tidbit from one of my pastor friends). Your answer is coming beloved! Don't give up. 

So we are happy to announce that after 12 years, we are pregnant!  Our due date is July 17th and only 3 days shy of Tiffany' mom's birthday on the 20th! 

I am your "Super" in your "Supermom"

I live in God's never failing grace every single day that I wake up.  Although, as soon as the alarm on my phone goes off, I am immediately ready to sink back under the blankets, turn off the baby monitor with one of my four blessings crying to get out of their bed,  and pretend that it's still the middle of the night.  That grace, that strength, that patience, that endurance, that kindness, that peace, that "perfect super" mom is nowhere to be found.  I just can't do it today, as I sat there sobbing.... 

This has been a massive burden on this incredibly blessed mom of four's mind, heart, and spirit lately.  Once the mom and woman that everyone looked up to because of her strength, her extreme patience, her continuous energy, her generosity, and her kindness.  She was now the mom that couldn't do it anymore. I felt as though I was sinking into a state of overwhelming sadness and depression.  I would just sit on my couch, blanket covering my freezing body, in unrelenting tears of sadness...not even knowing why I was crying, but thinking I just want to walk out my front door, but my feet felt like lead.  Then I would start sobbing into my hands..."What is wrong with me?" "I am a mess!" "I'm a terrible mom!" "I am not meant to stay home!" "Why did God give me a child with special needs, and three little ones?" This was terrifying and overwhelming all at the same time! I couldn't figure out how I was suppose to take care of four children's needs, home school, run a home business, prepare for my language arts class and speech therapy, and then God calls us to co lead a group! I JUST CAN'T DO IT! Jesus?!!! I. CAN'T. DO. THIS.!! This went on for over a week.... but for every single month for the past 3 months.  

This may seem very trivial and ridiculous to some of you with all of the worlds problems at our feet, but my world seemed to be caving in around me.  In the days that followed my mom's passing, I felt this deep state of sadness and overwhelming feeling of not being able to move on ever again.  All of this rushed back into my mind and took over my whole being all over again! I was scared to drive my car, worrying that anxiety would attack and I would be lost again! I dug desperately into God's Word, feeling empty still! My heart was captive! It was being held hostage to lies and I couldn't free them! I kept it all a secret, with only my husband and children watching me shriveling away. 

I finally broke down to one of my dear friends, explaining all of what was going on and not holding back any of the details.  I had to be transparent. I had to release these lies and get help! I need someone else to intercede!! As I talked, she listened and then she said something that immediately drew me out of this feeling of something is horribly wrong with me.. "Tiffany... I walked through this. I know exactly how you feel." She went on to describe everything I was feeling and then continued with feelings that I hadn't even said yet. I immediately thought, "What's wrong with us?" "Nothing!!" "Nearly every mom of little ones, especially moms in our circumstances..this many little ones and special needs children..go through this. It's so hard, but you will get through this season, Tiffany. God will get you through this. Lean on him." It's like chains were broken! I sat down on our chair, in a sense of utter relief! I'm not alone! I finally began to feel as though I could live again! 

 AND THEN.....it hit me harder than a brick.. I literally felt as though I had run head first into the bricks of my house! Somewhere deep inside, I was still clinging to those relentless and awful lies.  Those lies paralyzed me, physically! Shooting pain through my body that I have never experienced before! I couldn't sit without extreme pain, lay down without extreme pain.  My head and neck throbbed day and night for two weeks straight. I couldn't sleep at night, anymore. I could barely take care of my children I was in so much pain!

 LORD!!! I cried out!!! What is wrong with me!! 

"Be still and know that I am God." 

GRACE... Tiffany... Walk daily in my grace...live each moment in my grace.  I am your strength! I am your "Super" in your "supermom" title.  You have to allow me to be, though, by humbling yourself before me!  You cannot do it all, because I can! If you could do it all, would you rely on and trust me daily?  You will not get everything on "your" to do list done each day, but if you listen to me and walk humbly with me each day, you will get everything done on "my" to do list! 

So for all those moms out there who feel like your the worst mom ever... stop listening to those lies and walk in the grace God has given you! Let God be your "Super!" Let's focus on God's To do List, not our own because God's To Do list is way more important that ours! Be encouraged that God is with you and you are not walking this journey alone!

"God Spoke, and They Listened"

"Our God is consistent, but also unpredictable. God has called you to see the invisible and do the impossible, God has not called you to do the things you can do, but he has called you do the things you will never be able to do in a million years.  Only He can do it. He has called you to live in his faithfulness." - Graham Cooke


This journey was simply about our complete obedience and whole hearted faithfulness to follow God into deep waters.  We simply decided to say 'Yes' when He said to move.  This is Isaiah's story: (names have been changed out of love and respect)

Isaiah's journey began with trembling and scary feeling of discernment with me.  We were suppose to go on a business trip for Jon's work, but I was absolutely rattled that for some reason we were not suppose to go.  I spent days praying, crying, and reaching out to my dear friends for guidance before sitting down with Jon to pour out my uneasiness for this trip.  After much prayer and seeking The Lord, Jon decided to cancel the trip, but instead take us to the Hill country to spend much needed time away to pray and to seek the Lord about our family.  After this trip, it was made clear that God was pressing on my heart, not fear or the enemy.

While we were in the Hill Country, we spent much needed time resting and sitting outside overlooking the beautiful fall colors and countryside.  On the afternoon of October 25th, Jon and I decided to take our journals, Bibles, and worship music to one of our favorite spots at the resort overlooking the hills and just pray, worship, and listen to the Lord.  We both encountered God, but Jon's encounter was extremely amazing: (excerpts from Jon's journal)

"I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord." Psalm 27; 13-14

The Lord: Walk in my will and in my way and the blessings will flow.
Jon: But, Lord have we not done that? Three adoptions and we've talked about adopting more, but maybe not yet.
The Lord: Why not yet? Did I say not yet?
Jon: No I just wasn't listening to hear you say adopt again.
The Lord: Well, you're listening now.
Jon: Lord, I'm just trying to adjust to life, 3 kids, bigger house, bigger mortgage, higher work goals.
The Lord: Look, Jonathan what lies before you (scenery of the hill country). I created every tree, every leaf, every hill, every rock, every speck of dirt.  Nothing happens apart from me. I hold your life in my hand. My scripture says to wait on me, not to wait on you, complete trust, true faith. It's not about waiting on yourselves to be ready.  It's about moving forward in faith knowing I will lead the way.

As Jon shared this with me, all I could do was cry.  Feelings of overwhelming inadequacy flooded me, yet a feeling of peace filled my heart.  We sat in prayer and complete worship for another 30 minutes or so and decided to wait on Him with what we were to do next.

On our drive home, tears of humility, honor, inadequacy, joy washed over me.  My thoughts wandered into the question of why us, Lord? Why now? How am I going to be able to handle another adoption?  I became overtaken with thoughts of "I can't do this, I am unworthy of this."  Then He reminded with such kindness and directness : You are able to do this and only with me and my strength can you do it. Trust and follow me."  This is when we heard the above quote from Graham Cooke:

  "Our God is consistent, but also unpredictable. God has called you to see the invisible and do the impossible, God has not called you to do the things you can do, but he has called you do the things you will never be able to do in a million years.  Only He can do it. He has called you to live in his faithfulness." 

On our way home, we sought the Lord as to what we were suppose to do first.  He clearly spoke to us both and told us, "Take this one step at a time and do only as I tell you to do, nothing more, nothing less.  Trust me."  We were to contact four people, alone: our Case worker to start our home study, Jon's parents, and two of my dear friends for consistent prayer.

As we entered back into our lives of chaos and fast pace life, God continued to pursue and push us forward.  As we began to make contacts, we began to worry about what others would think.  They are going to think we are crazy to adopt a fourth! What in the world are you doing?  Izzy isn't even one yet.  This began to eat at my mind, until the Lord directed Jon to His Word: "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Corinthians 1:25  The impossible and simply out of the box desires of God are always within reach with Him alone.  We chose to continue to trust and obey Him.

We sought out our caseworker, started preparing our documents, background checks, and medicals for the homestudy.  As part of a homestudy, medical forms have to be filled out on every member of the family.  This seemed impossible for me because I had no other reason to take my children to the pediatrician other than to have this form filled out.  I asked the Lord to give me wisdom on how I was to complete their medicals.  That same evening as I was taking Nick to his gym, Nick said to me, "mom, look at my toe.  It hurts so bad and it's oozing something."  Needless to say, we now had a reason to see the pediatrician and have our medicals filled out.  God opened a door, when I tried to close it.  At that moment, I knew God was in complete control and this adoption was all about Him and was going happen regardless of me.

A few days following this, the Lord spoke to me: "Continue to rest in my presence and peace, daily, yet pursuing the mission I have set you on.  Adoption.  This is about me completely, this time.  Your family will grow, but the timing, the situation, the adoption is all Me this time. Continue to listen to me for each step to take.  I am moving at my pace, quickly, steadfast, and perfectly.  Flow with me and follow me and I will carry you through."

During the next week or so, we continued to listen to the Lord, yet move forward in our lives with our children. God continued to sow into our hearts His heart for adoption and weave it so deeply in our souls and hearts in preparation for Isaiah.

"Adoption goes much deeper than increasing your family, Tiffany.  Adoption is my hand selected, chosen, predestined children to live in my presence, my glory, and my kingdom.  I have chosen you and Jon to raise them and guide them into my kingdom and to listen fully to Me.  I have chosen them to be loved by you, but more importantly I have chosen them to bring glory to me, to fulfill my purpose, make me known.  Raise them with overflowing love and compassion, with sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, and to know Me and my presence."

Thanksgiving approached without anymore direction from The Lord, except to wait and then I happened upon a post on Facebook.  Of all the places...God continued His adoption through Facebook!  I always say, "God has a sense of humor!"

On December 4th I wrote:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 8-9

In the past week, Lord, you have turned our lives into this amazing whirlwind of trusting you and learning to completely let you lead in every moment.  I met a woman through Facebook, of all places, who was seeking adoption for her nephew.  As I read her post, I heard your voice directly, "Pray over her, contact her, and guide her." I entered into their lives as a new friend, prayer warrior, and a guide through adoption.  Carol had posted on FB that her sister in law was pregnant and wanted to place her baby for adoption and they had no idea what or who to go to for this.  My heart was drawn to her.  I met with Rebecca (who was very emotional) and her her sister in law, Carol, on a Sunday late afternoon.  I had the honor of praying over them and talking with them about adoption and giving them advice.  I walked away knowing God's hand was there.  I continued to pray from them and for God to give them wisdom and guidance as they were meeting with a potential adoptive family.  Through it all, I had complete peace that it was all your will not my own.  The meeting with the other family did not go as well as she had hoped, which led her to ask Jon and I to adopt baby "Max."

Father, I feel so overwhelmed, yet at peace, so nervous, yet excited.  Lord, you are my strength and my peace.  Your will, not my own.  Please give us wisdom and guidance.

At this point, only our close friends knew about this and then the Lord pressed into our hearts to seek out a group of prayer warriors to pray fervently over Rebecca, Carol, baby, and over us.  These warriors became an integral part of Isaiah's life before He made his appearance.
The following day, Carol, the sister in law, whom Rebecca was living with at this time, revealed to me that Rebecca had been using drugs all throughout her pregnancy. She hasn't used since she has been living with her, as far as she knew.  I vividly remember this conversation as I was driving to swim lessons and my heart, mind, body were frozen in fear.  I started questioning everything!  I hesitantly told Jon, knowing he would not be open to it, but told him then went into swim lessons.  On our way home, I turned up my worship music and worshipped the Lord through prayer and song asking Him to speak and give us wisdom.

Lord, what do we do??  Dear Tiffany.  Trust me. You will call him Isaiah Maximus, because I am his greatest salvation!  I have saved him from the depths of the darkness.  "In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues." Psalm 31:20

We continued to press into the Lord and trust Him with this adoption and sent out our newest prayer request: Protection and wisdom.

On December 10th, I received a frantic call from Carol that Rebecca was deciding to spend the night with her boyfriend and supplier of the drugs.  Carol was terrified that she would do drugs with him and it would harm the baby.  We, too, began to become worried, but decided to press in and pray fervently and reach out to our group of prayer warriors!  God moved and intervened!!
The very next day, she came back and told Carol that as soon as she got to the hotel, she started vomitting non stop...meaning she was unable to take any drugs!  Perhaps not the way I would have done things, but God has his own ways of protecting his children!  Jon and I were completely floored by this and knew, Isaiah and Rebecca were chosen by Him for a beautiful purpose!

We continued to pray over and with them and prepare our hearts for baby's arrival, when yet another twist came into the story to show God's extreme faithfulness and glory would prevail!  On December 17th, Carol and Rebecca met with the social worker working with the lawyer and at the last minute decided they wanted to go an agency route, instead of a direct placement.  What this means is that Rebecca would receive money/assistance for up to 6 weeks after baby is born.  This also meant that the cost to adopt went up exponentially for us.  We prayed and again, reached out to our prayer warriors for God's wisdom.  In our hearts, we knew this was not the direction God wanted us, so we had to release this into his hands completely, knowing we could not afford this route and that either God would provide or circumstances would take a different directions.  Rebecca was not happy with our decision, but we knew God was ultimately in control and we continued to pray for her and baby, not knowing what would happen.

On December 20th, I was sitting at home with a very sick Izzy praying fervently, "Lord if this is meant to be please let Rebecca go into labor quickly and make this decision for her."  This became the prayer of our warriors as well!

At 9:30p, I got a frantic call and text from them, saying that Rebecca's water broke!! Rebecca said, "I will do direct placement, I want to place my baby with you and Jon.  Please come to the hospital!  Once again, God moved!!  I called Jon, who was at his parents, and he rushed home!  We made it to the hospital with about 10 minutes to spare before they took her back!  The last thing she said before going back was, "Tiffany, I prayed this morning, Father if you want Jon and Tiffany to have baby Max, please let me go into labor today."  Guess what?! The Lord answered her. An hour after that prayer Rachel's water broke! The amazing thing... this is the first time (she has three other children) that her water broke with her pregnancy.

Mr. Isaiah made his debut at 11:50p.  He was beautiful!  Quiet at first, but after a thorough exam, he looked perfect!  The hospital kept a very close eye on little bits, but he never had any withdrawal symptoms and appeared perfectly healthy!  God's protection on this child has been nothing short of a miracle and we know that God's plan for Isaiah is going to far exceed anything we can ever imagine!
We are still in complete awe of God's faithfulness, protection, and glory in this journey to Isaiah!  I want to ask you. Jon and I pray Ephesians 3:20-21 over each of you as you read this.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen!"


Photos courtesy of Jaime Truman with www.truphotography.me.
Embroidery courtesy of Sherri Kring with Chloe's Wings. (The words on gown and title of this blog are words spoken to Sherri from the Lord, before we brought Baby Isaiah home. )

Baby Girl Stewart has arrived!!

The last few days have been such a roller coaster ride!  Last I left you, we were about to wait out another two days before our daughter would be here.  We managed to keep ourselves busy with some Christmas shopping, but it was definitely hard not to think about Shannon and our daughter.

On December 11th, we had the honor of taking Shannon to her final doctors appointment and to her pre admittance appointment at the hospital.  I was thrilled because I had the best conversations with her and truly got to know her heart.  After this day, we felt like we had known each other forever!!  I knew what made her tick, when she started feeling anxious, and then how to calm her down.  She had become part of our family!!  We all felt really great and a huge peace about placement.  That night we came home feeling great, yet we still had that little butterfly in our stomachs about her signing over.

On December 12th, We woke up at 5:00am to take Shannon to the hospital for her C-section!  She was so nervous, as I would be in that situation and her anxiety was high.  They took her back for preperation, without me, and she was back there forever.  I felt the Lord's prompting to ask about her, because in my heart, I felt something wasn't right and she was upset.  I went up and asked about her, they said she was in her room and a nurse was hugging her!  (this is how connected God has made us..I knew she was upset)  They moved quicker to get us back to her and the nurse that came to get us, told us that she had adopted her little boy and was sharing that with Shannon.  She then told us that she prayed with Shannon too!  This was amazing!  God was showing us His presence in this every step of the way.  We sat with a very nervous Shannon and then prayed over her.  It was such a sweet moment.  It was then time to head down to surgery.  As they prepared her, I got into my scrubs and patiently waited to go in to comfort her through the c-section.  Sitting next to her head, wiping the tears from her eyes and speaking God's peace over her was one of the best moments of this journey.  Then, the doctor said, "Stand up.  Look."  Out came my daughters rear, legs, and her entire beautiful body!  It was amazing!  Incredible!  I wanted so much to go right over to her, but God held my heart and I stayed with Shannon, continuing to comfort her.  They brought baby girl over and I motioned for her to be taken to Shannon's head.  It was beautiful!!  Shannon spoke softley to her and gave her a kiss and then drifted off to sleep.  I then got up and was able to hold her for the first time.  Be still my heart!  I was in love with this 9.8 pound bundle of baby joy!  We followed up to the nursery for the doctor to weigh her, check her blood sugar, etc.  Her blood sugar was low, but eventually rose to the level they wanted.  She was/is perfect.  Jon and I were able to watch the examination by the doctor and nurse, then her bath.  I have to say, the doctors and nurses at this hospital were phenomenal and so understanding!!  We were then notified that Shannon was back in her room, so we left to be with her.  She was groggy, anxious, and ready to see baby girl.  About 15 minutes into our visit, she was becoming agitated, so we requested for baby to come down and then Shannon asked us to leave and wanted the remainder of the day with baby and her kids by herself.  We were heartbroken, but understood.  Jon had not yet held her in his arms.  We were crushed.  We obliged, but snuck up to the nursery and the Doctor and nurse let us come back to at least give her kisses and say goodbye until the next day.  We went back to the hotel, sad, but happy, and hopeful for our signing the next day.

On December 13th, we met caseworker at breakfast with the hope to go to the hospital to see our daughter and praying we would sign papers today.  While at breakfast, Shannon asked us to wait.  Sad, but we released it to the Lord.  We went back up there a little after noon and the caseworker informed us that Shannon wanted to sign before her next pain med dose at 2pm.  The caseworker quickly got a notary, and we grabbed lunch for Shannon.  By the time we got back from getting lunch, Shannon had already signed all of the paperwork!  We signed our part and a huge sigh of relief went through us hearts!  We were ready to see our daughter, but Shannon's mental state was not well and was getting increasingly upset, so we had to leave.  We went back to the hotel with caseworker, frustrated, angry, and confused.  At about 7:00p, caseworker check with Shannon, again, and said we could come up and bring her kids their Christmas gifts.  We were ecstatic!!  It was amazing.  The kids were thrilled and loved the items we got them!  Jon finally got to hold his beautiful daughter!!  We left tonight, our hearts full, our minds at peace, and ready to bring our daughter home! 

We now wait for mom to be discharged from hospital.  The doctor said not until Sunday, but Shannon hopes to leave tomorrow.  We really hope she is discharged tomorrow, so we may bring baby girl back to our hotel and love on her all we want!!  She will not be discharged until Shannon is... 

I tell you what, this journey has been the most difficult journeys our hearts have been a part of.  We are so grateful for the journey, because God has been chiseling away at our hearts, minds, and spirits bringing us closer to His heart than we have ever been. 

I know you all want to see pictures!!  I promise, pictures will come, but we want to have her in our arms and loving on her first.  Stand by until Saturday or Sunday for pictures and another update!

Please continue to pray for the remainder of this journey... discharge of baby girl, ICPC paperwork, and getting home!

Love you all!!

Tiffany

Waiting for God's princess to arrive....

Trust in Me, I will provide, and I will be glorified.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

This journey to bring our little girl home has been nothing short of extreme dependency on the Lord.  Whenever we felt the need to even take the slightest control of our adoption journey, God quickly reminded us that He was in control and would whisper in our hearts, "Trust in Me, I will provide, and I will be glorified."  After our previous adoption fall through, our hearts were confused, sad, but extremely hopeful that God was still good and our little girl would be right around the corner.

Well, on November 14th, I received a phone call about a birth momma, Shannon, that was due at the end of December.  I wasn't sure if about the timing, but felt we should say yes.  Let me back track a minute.  About a week before this, I had a vision, as I was standing in the kitchen watching my boys stir batter at the counter together.  In that vision, I saw Nick on the right, Elijah in the middle, and a little girl of caucasian and African American mix on the very left.  I knew right then and there that God was revealing to me our daughter. Back to this call.  Mom is caucasian and dad is African American.  Whoa!!  Of course, Jon and I were hopeful, but extrememly guarded and cautious with hearts, not telling anyone of this situation possibility.  We gave over to the Lord and moved forward.  I look back at my journal and I remember pleading with God, please bring our little girl home before Christmas.

On Novermber 15th, we got an e-mail stating the Shannon had not chosen our family.  A bit discouraged, we moved forward and rested in the hands of the Lord.

Then, on November 18th, I got a call saying, "Shannon didn't necessarily not pick your family, she hadn't chose any family.  You see she wanted a biracial couple, but we did not have any, but she really likes your family and wants to pray about it a little more."  We had a small bit of hope and found our prayer warriors to help stand in the gap for us. 

On November 20th, we got a call saying that Shannon wanted to move forward with our family and really loved us!  She also wanted to have a conference call with Jon and I!  I was abosolutely thrilled!!  You see, God had pressed into my heart that this ministry not only included our new little one but her momma and family.  This would definitely be a more open adoption which would give us the opportunity to minister, love, and show God's redemption and grace to the momma and family.  My prayer started becoming, "Lord, please begin a beautiful relationship between Shannon and I and direct our conversations, filling with your love and peace."

On November 25th, Jon and I were blessed to have the opportunity to talk with Shannon over the phone.  It was amazing!  Shannon has the most grateful heart and kept telling us how thankful she was for us and how we were an answer to her prayers.  We were so blessed and so ready to have her as part of our family.  After about a 20 minute conversation, we all decided to talk again the following Monday.  We were so excited, yet still decided to share our wonderful news.

November 27th, Shannon had a doctor's appointment to check on the baby.  Her doctor noticed that baby girl was extremely large and possibly already 8 pounds and told her to think about an iduction or a c-section.  Of course this scared Shannon quite a bit, so her response was that she was going to  pray about it first before she made her decision.  We started praying for peace for Shannon and the decision God would place on her heart.

November 30th, we shared with our families about Shannon and asked for continued prayers for Shannon and her family.

On December 3rd, I had the opportunity to talk with Shannon again and I was blessed beyond belief!!  She was so sweet and are hearts definitely connected.  I also had the honor of praying with her over the phone and it was such a blessing to my heart!  She did ask me to pray about the c-section, because she was very nervous about this and really did not want to do it.  At this point we were unsure whether Shannon would fly to Utah or stay put in Georgia.  This conversation blessed me so much and I was so grateful to start bonding with her.  She also asked me if I would be in the delivery room with her, too.  I was ecstatic and completely floored!

On December 5th, we got a call saying that Shannon may have the baby on Friday or Monday.  With all of the weather coming into Dallas that night, we sat and waited and start packing.  We waited all day to find out whether or not we needed to leave or wait.  At about 5pm, our caseworker called and said she was flying out to be safe and it was up to us of what we wanted to do.  We were very concerned about getting stuck and missing the birth and not being able to be there for Shannon that God granted us the last two seats on the last plane going out of Dallas to Atlanta.  We met our caseworker at the airport and drove two hours to Augusta.  

On December 6th, our caseworker was able to take Shannon to the doctor, in hopes of scheduling a c-section.  After hours of being at the hospital, they decided not to do the c-section, but were doing a ton of tests.  There were tons of communication problems with the hospital and doctors.  They came back saying the baby is breech, very large, and lots of fluid.  They were trying to determine if baby was safer in or out.  At this point the caseworker realizes that Shannon has gestational diabetes and her blood pressure is high.  

On December 7th, Shannon stayed over night at the hospital, but they are releasing her for the night.  They ran lots of tests to make sure mom and baby are okay.  She will most likely go back on Sunday or Monday morning for more tests and is being monitored very closely.  Doctor is suppose to schedule a c-section for Monday or Tuesday if baby's lungs are developed after an amino test was done.  We prayed her lungs were developed.  That evening we had the opportunity to have dinner with Shannon and her two children!  It was amazing!!  We love her and her two kids are so sweet and smart.  She has such a grateful heart.  She already has a plan for her and her kids after baby is born in hopes of getting better schools and better place for the them to grow up.  She is very thoughtful and such a kind heart.

On December 8th, Shannon went back to the doctor with caseworker.  Shannon and baby were doing great!  Lungs were developed!!  BUT..the doctor never scheduled the c-section and now cant get it scheduled until Thursday morning!!  We considered flying home to see our boys, but financially it did not make sense.  My heart was crushed, yet hopeful still.  So what now?  We wait.

We are still, here, in Georgia, awaiting the arrival of this little girl that has decided that a dramatic entrance is something she insists on.  Shannon hasn't waivered in her decision to place and loves us as we love her.  We are so blessed to have Shannon a part of our family and continue to pray for God's peace throughout this entire journey.

We ask that you stand with us and not only pray for us, but for Shannon.  She has an amazing heart, but still struggles with anxiety.  Pray God's overwhelming peace for her and for us.  I will do much better about keeping this journey update, but this is where we are...  WAITING on the Lord.  Trusting in the Lord.  Resting in His timing so that He may be completely glorified.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.  As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,so is my word that goes out from my mouth; It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."  Isaiah 55:8-12

Be still and wait patiently on Him..... A week later.

So it's been a week since God walked beside us along an incredibly difficult journey with one precious little girl.  I know that many are wondering how we are doing.  My typical answer is, "We are good.  We know that God is faithful and He is good.  We are just trusting Him."  While this answer is completely and whole heartedly true, it only hits the surface that God is digging under to reveal His heart and our heart.

I have to confess, my heart was taken into a place of discouragement, yesterday.  It became anxious in the unknown and the plan God has planned for our family.  I am by no means doubting God's promise, but my heart burdened and longed for this little girl that God has intended for our family.  My heart began longing for our little girl, not the little girl we prayed over, but our little girl.  I was able to ask for prayer by some friends and then Jon and I prayed through this last night.

As morning came, I felt God saying, "Press into me."  I brought before Him our concerns.  What about the funding that is still with this agency? Should we move it back to give us more opportunity outside this agency only to be thrown back into a bigger pool, again instead of having priority?  Should we update our almost expiring home study?  Lord, what do we do?  His answer, "Be still.  Rest in Me."  What?!  Father, I've been waiting.  What do you mean be still?  My daughter needs me and cannot rest until she is in my arms.  His response, "Be still. Do not be anxious.  I'm preparing the way."  I literally fought this battle within my heart all day, yesterday, but I know God is good, I just. have. to. let. go....  Easier said than done.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn."  Psalm 37:3-6

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him....." Psalm 37:7

These verses are what God wants me to imprint onto my heart and into my mind and all over my spirit, today.  I keep moving forward, one step at a time, waiting on the Lord to fulfill His promise.  It will happen.  Not in my timing, but in His perfect timing.

God continually reminds me this journey is far bigger than me.  Far bigger than Jon.  Far bigger than any agency can fathom.  This journey continues to be about God and His glory.  It has nothing to do about me.  Yes, it's a struggle, but God is with us and has always been with us.

Thank you for your continuous prayers over our family.  They are felt.  This journey is rocking the core of many people, including the agency we are working with, the grant and loan companies, other friends, and family members.  God is being glorified through this and we continue to ask that you pray for us as we continue to walk out this journey...this mission...God has our family on.  God is moving and we will continue to update you as God moves.....

Walking a 48 hour path of extreme trust

"This will be a journey of My provision, My glory, and complete/extreme trust in Me."  

These words ring through my heart this morning after we walked one of the hardest paths God has called us into.  I look back this morning, still grieving, but finally at peace knowing we are within the Will of God.  Let me take you on this journey for a minute and as you read this and walk it with us, open your heart to see God at work and not to let your heart see the negativity.

Last Wednesday, October 23rd, God called me into a heart of repentence for bondage that had overtaken my heart. Straight from my journal entry that morning:

"It's time.  Proclaim my faithfulness, healing, and glory. Time to expose your heart even more sweet daughter.  I will give you time and I will write the words, but it's time humble yourself and expose your heart and the glory of my name.  Don't worry about the words you will say.  I will write them.  Just let me use you.  Don't hinder me and my truth and glory.  This is all about me, not about you, Tiffany.  You asked to be used as a vessel, now let me work through you.  You have to let go of the reigns and give them to me."

As I rewrite this into this blog, God was already preparing us and we were not even aware.  We were used as His vessels...for His Glory!

 I  released all of that and asked for forgiveness. (Another post)  Within 20 minutes of that posting we were matched with a birth mom situation that we knew was from God.  From the very beginning, I had not only peace, but uneasiness in this situation.  I felt God say move forward, this is for you, just trust in Me.  So, we did.  We followed Him onto a path of the unknown, but a path God needed us to walk for Him.  At the time, we didn't know why, but we had to be obedient and keep our hope in Him.

As I look at the following journal entry..I am right now seeing how God was preparing my spirit for what was coming.  The verse written on October 24th was 

"To shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace."  Luke 1:79

He was preparing our hearts to walk among the darkness of this little one's family.  Strengthening us to pray continually, without ceasing for her heart.

In the days that followed, God started filling the financial gap that we needed for this little girl, showing us his amazing provision as we trusted him.  

On October 28th, the verse written in my journal was:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."  Psalm 32:8

God's Word into my heart that day was:

"Daughter, let me guide you with each task and I will fill you up with peace, time, and strength.  Rest and I will let you know what's next."

The day before little lady was born,  this is the verse written in my journal:

"Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  Hebrews 12:3

You see, God was preparing us for something we couldn't fathom, but God knew we could handle.  We asked to be his vessel and to work through us, and He did.  Here is how it unfolded...

We were called on October 30th at 5:30 am that mom was in delivery.  We frantically got up and ready and drove an hour to where mom and baby were.  We got there after she was born and could only look at her from a window in the nursery.  We had to jumped about a million hoops, have forms signed and notarized by mom and hospital to even hold and see her.  Two hours later, she was in our arms.  We were rejoicing and praying for and over this sweet little girl.  As we were holding this sweet girl, the enemy was churning the hearts of birth mom's family, who were completely opposed of this adoption.  Grandma was stirring the waters.  Mom was very clear about her decision to place her child for adoption, knowing that she had a future for herself, her four year old daughter, and this little one.  She refused to see the baby, have her family see the baby, and had her name taken off the baby's crib in the nursery.  She wanted no one to be in touch with this child, except for us.  It was completely closed, yet we had to wait 48 hours until she could sign papers to release her rights to her.  Those were the most stressful 48 hours as mom's family continued to try and sway her.  She stood firm.  That night our caseworker had some time to sit and chat with the mom about her decision and how she was feeling without the influence of family.  She walked out that night and into the next morning feeling confident that mom was 100% in on this adoption.  We arrived the next morning, ready to hold our sweet girl, yet our nerves were still high.  We continued to hold her, pray for her, and had worship music pouring into all of our hearts as we rocked her.  Then the roller coaster started again.  Grandma was asking to see the baby, while mom refused.  She was finally able to with mom permission and we went to lunch.  We came back and things changed.  Birth mom's so called positive influence that was supporting this decision came in and after talking with grandma, was also swayed.  We got a call...Birth mom wants to see the baby.  We sat there empty, yet praying and pressing into the Lord.  We prayed for that little girl so hard and with all of our hearts and just trusted the Lord.  Baby came back in and case worker followed.  "mom wants to keep her."  Our hearts sunk.  We were devastated and just cried and cried.  We knew God had a purpose, but at that moment, we couldn't quite see it.  We were shaken to our core!  After tears with our wonderful caseworker, we left in tears, heartbroken, and ready to hold and love our two boys at home.  

This morning, I woke up, as if it was all a bad dream, but it wasn't, it was so real.  My phone was full of encouraging words and prayers, but my heart was still hurting so badly.  One of my dear friends, reminded me of the very beginning of this journey and my unsettled heart and that God knew the plans for this.  I released this to the Lord and cried in desperation for what the purpose of this journey was.  This is the text I sent straight to my consultant through the words God placed into my heart:

This has been one of the hardest 48 hours ever!  A friend of mine reminding me that my heart was truly unsettled about this situation but I chose to follow God and trust Him.  As I have worked through this in my heart and have cried out to the Lord all night and morning I felt Him whispering in my heart to keep trusting Him.  As hard as it is to go forward, we must for the sake of His Kingdom.  I believe God spoke into my heart that He planted us in the life of this little girl for a greater purpose.  Not to just love and hug on her the first two days of her life, but to pray over her, speak God's truth into her heart and spirit, and to cover her life with prayer from 100s of prayer warriors.  This little girl is meant to be a daughter of the Most High and God planted us there to cover her in God's protection and fill her up with His love that will give her heart the longing to love Him so deeply.  I know I will continue to grieve but I know God's love and plan is perfect and He will bring our little girl into our home in His timing.

Our hearts are definitely healing and we are now confident that God knows the bigger picture for our family and His kingdom.  We will remain in his arms and continue to trust in his goodness and faithfulness to bring our little girl home.  If this is the journey that God has called us on to in order for His Glory to be shown, then we choose to walk it.  We choose to go through the valleys, cross the rivers, and stand on His mountain top in order for His glory to be shown to all.  God sacrificed His Son for our life, are we willing to sacrifice for Him?  We are saying and absolute YES.  Would we do this again?  YES.  Would we continue if it meant more struggles?  YES. God is still good and we are still his children.  We continue to walk His journey of provision, His glory, and trust in Him.

Praying over baby girl